Slightly hungover and just wanting to get out of the house, a few of us went to see the new Paul Rudd vehicle "Our Idiot Brother" yesterday. The film, which is as bland and inoffensive as mayonnaise, is interesting in that I can't figure out why it was made. I mean, someone had to champion this film, right? They had to walk the script around LA and have pitch meetings and go home and think "Man!!! I think I'm really close!" And then you get this wallpaper paste of a movie that isn't angry-making like an Adam Sandler movie but isn't interesting or even funny. There are episodes - maybe almost every episode - of "Parks and Recreation" that are funnier than this movie.
I mean, one of the major jokes - SPOILER ALERT, I guess, if you're hell-bent on wasting $10.75 to see this - is that Paul Rudd's dog is named "Willie Nelson." Hilarious, right? The dog is a major part of the movie, and no one passes up and opportunity to say the dog's name. A dog named after a real person! I'm gasping for breath! THAT IS SO FUNNY!!!!
(Plus, this gave the producers a reason to put a bunch of Willie Nelson - the musician (or "musician," I could say), not the dog - on the soundtrack. I fucking hate Willie Nelson. Like nails on a chalkboard. That voice. So I would say the repeated Willie Nelson songs did nothing to enhance my enjoyment.)
The basic plot is that Paul Rudd's character gets out of prison and then ruins the lives of his sisters in one way or another. I got the impression that he's supposed to be one of those Magical Innocent character types who's the only one who can tell people the truth, but whatever, I didn't really care enough to think about it. I just kept going back to Why did this movie get made?
Here's what I hope happened: It was originally a much, much darker comedy called "Our Sociopathic Brother" in which Paul Rudd gets out of jail and then decides to WREAK HAVOC on all those who have wronged him. He returns to his sisters' homes and kills them and their families and burns their houses down before dying in a hail of gunfire. Then this script was progressively watered down by one studio exec after another until we have what's left. Anyway, with all these fine actors and all this money, it's curious that no one thought to make a better movie.
One of the people who went with us took a klonopin and seemed to like it better than me, so if you have to see it, I recommend taking a klonopin first.
I'm still on jury duty. That is all.
Showing posts with label fillum. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fillum. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Programming Note
We're going to San Diego tomorrow and then Mexico on Thursday for a few days. We'll be back Sunday, so the blog will probably be quiet until Monday. C'est la vie.
In the meantime, here's a video of a chihuahua wearing booties.
Have a good rest of week/weekend/whatever.
In the meantime, here's a video of a chihuahua wearing booties.
Have a good rest of week/weekend/whatever.
Friday, July 22, 2011
TK's Better Tour of San Francisco
Got some of the Wife's relatives in town! It's her brother, who grew up in Ireland and now lives in New Zealand, and his New Zealander kids. They're all super-nice and awesome and everything. I volunteered to show 'em around SF this afternoon. Now, anyone could go see the sea lions at Pier 39 and whatnot, but where's the fun in that? I have my own tour of SF that beats the shit out of that:
Portsmouth Square
Kearny and Clay Streets
"The Sydney Ducks were this Australian gang, duh, that pretty much owned the waterfront around Broadway and Pacific. On May 3, 1851, one of the Ducks was seen running out of a shop on the southern side of Portsmouth Square just before the building started burning. The fire destroyed something like 2000 buildings, and was so bright you could see it in Monterey. They apparently set the fire so they could loot shit when people fled. A few Aussies were lynched a couple of months later and that seemed to have the desired effect."
Erno Tattoo
252 Fillmore
"That's where I got my first tattoo. I was drinking with my friend Jim at 13% on Haight, which was this bar where the Underground SF is now, and I stood up and said 'I guess I'm gonna go get a tattoo,' and I walked up there and sat down and got one. I was pretty lit. The less said about the tattoo, the better. Erno's is long gone now. So is 13%."
Church of Satan
6114 California Street
Wiki can tell the story better than me:
A duplex! Man, Satan, that fucking SUCKS.
Imperial Palace restaurant
816 Washington Street
"Two and a half stars on Yelp. Tammie W. says that 'the selection was rather heavy on pork and shrimp and gone were the forays into vegetarian choices,' whatever the fucks that means. But we don't care about the food. This used to be the Golden Dragon, site of the Golden Dragon Massacre, a shootout between the Joe Boys and Wah Ching on September 4, 1977. 5 people got killed and 11 injured. Even more tragic was James Woods' hair in the 1989 film True Believer, which was loosely based on the incident."
Nightmarish.
The Furniture Mart
1355 Market St.
"This is the future home of Twitter. Twitter may be cool and all, but I bet you anything they will never, ever have a party like Jack Davis had on his 50th birthday at the Furniture Mart penthouse. Here's how Cintra Wilson described it:
Top that, Twitter. Also, more Satanists! Yay!"
Corner of Haight and Stanyan
Haight and Stanyan Streets
"Let's stop here for some weed."
Corner of Golden Gate and Hyde
Golden Gate and Hyde Streets
"That's the Post Office where the homeless guys pick up their SSI checks. Luckily, they have multiple opportunities to spend them directly outside."
Pier 39
Embarcadero and Beach Streets
"I gotta stop at Krazy Kaps and We Be Knives and then OF COURSE we can look at the sea lions. I'm not heartless. Also, Red Jack Saloon is like 4 blocks away and it's probably been long enough that they wouldn't remember last time I was there and I could go in for a pint."
That's it. I'm beat. KMAGYOYO.
Portsmouth Square
Kearny and Clay Streets
"The Sydney Ducks were this Australian gang, duh, that pretty much owned the waterfront around Broadway and Pacific. On May 3, 1851, one of the Ducks was seen running out of a shop on the southern side of Portsmouth Square just before the building started burning. The fire destroyed something like 2000 buildings, and was so bright you could see it in Monterey. They apparently set the fire so they could loot shit when people fled. A few Aussies were lynched a couple of months later and that seemed to have the desired effect."
Erno Tattoo
252 Fillmore
"That's where I got my first tattoo. I was drinking with my friend Jim at 13% on Haight, which was this bar where the Underground SF is now, and I stood up and said 'I guess I'm gonna go get a tattoo,' and I walked up there and sat down and got one. I was pretty lit. The less said about the tattoo, the better. Erno's is long gone now. So is 13%."
Church of Satan
6114 California Street
Wiki can tell the story better than me:
The Black House is a building that formerly stood at 6114 California St. in San Francisco, California, in the United States. Though the building is sometimes referred to as a mansion, photographs of the building taken just before its destruction show that it was a moderately sized single family home, considerably smaller than the two small apartment buildings on either side of the property. According to public records, it was listed at 2,205 square feet and constructed in the year 1905.
The house was used by Anton LaVey as the headquarters of his Church of Satan from 1966 until his death in 1997. LaVey conducted Satanic seminars and rituals at the house; one of the most notorious such rituals was the Satanic baptism of his daughter Zeena Schreck in 1967, punctuated by LaVey speaking the words "Hail Satan!" over the nude body of a female acting as the 'Satanic Altar'.
Public ceremonies were performed at the house until 1972. LaVey lost ownership of the house in 1991 as the result of a court settlement resulting from his separation from Diane Hegarty, but LaVey was allowed to reside at the Black House until his death.
Following LaVey's death, members of the Church of Satan unsuccessfully attempted to raise funds to repurchase the house, and it was demolished on October 17, 2001. A duplex now stands in its place.
A duplex! Man, Satan, that fucking SUCKS.
Imperial Palace restaurant
816 Washington Street
"Two and a half stars on Yelp. Tammie W. says that 'the selection was rather heavy on pork and shrimp and gone were the forays into vegetarian choices,' whatever the fucks that means. But we don't care about the food. This used to be the Golden Dragon, site of the Golden Dragon Massacre, a shootout between the Joe Boys and Wah Ching on September 4, 1977. 5 people got killed and 11 injured. Even more tragic was James Woods' hair in the 1989 film True Believer, which was loosely based on the incident."
Nightmarish.
The Furniture Mart
1355 Market St.
"This is the future home of Twitter. Twitter may be cool and all, but I bet you anything they will never, ever have a party like Jack Davis had on his 50th birthday at the Furniture Mart penthouse. Here's how Cintra Wilson described it:
In a nutshell, for those of you from points elsewhere, this Jack Davis guy, an openly gay and notoriously "outrageous" political consultant who is generally believed to have gotten the last two S.F. mayors elected and whose current client is the 49ers, who are trying to get the voters to approve a bond initiative to finance their new stadium, had his friends throw him a 50th birthday party that was attended by a slurry of big polyurethane-headed politicos in smart little suits and ties. The party, replete with multi-sexual go-go sluts and a glory hole wall, climaxed with a guy named Steve Leyba getting a pentagram carved on his back and being pissed on and sodomized with a bottle of Jack Daniel's by my old friend, vampire/lesbian/dominatrix/Satanist/junkie/poet/performance-artist Danielle Willis.
Top that, Twitter. Also, more Satanists! Yay!"
Corner of Haight and Stanyan
Haight and Stanyan Streets
"Let's stop here for some weed."
Corner of Golden Gate and Hyde
Golden Gate and Hyde Streets
"That's the Post Office where the homeless guys pick up their SSI checks. Luckily, they have multiple opportunities to spend them directly outside."
Pier 39
Embarcadero and Beach Streets
"I gotta stop at Krazy Kaps and We Be Knives and then OF COURSE we can look at the sea lions. I'm not heartless. Also, Red Jack Saloon is like 4 blocks away and it's probably been long enough that they wouldn't remember last time I was there and I could go in for a pint."
That's it. I'm beat. KMAGYOYO.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
The sad inevitability of change in the modern world and whatever
There is no way I'm going to be able to do this without sounding like an asshole. Luckily, I'm used to that.
We have learned that the Red Vic movie theater on Haight is closing.
Now, of course it is always sad when a business closes down, whether it be the Red Vic or any other business. (Speaking of Haight Street, does anyone remember Crescent City Cafe on Haight, where Best of Thai Noodle is now? Wow, Crescent City continues to have a lively online presence, despite the fact that it's been closed for years. That place was good. But I digress.)
I hate to sound like a dick about it, but that's commerce. You have a good idea, you run with it, it works for a while, but if people stop showing up, it's time to pack it up or come up with a new idea. Now, the Red Vic was a non-profit, so I guess having fundraisers to save it is cool and whatever, but in the end, if people don't want to pay for the product any more, it's not going to be viable any more.
I think it's sad and regrettable that San Francisco has lost most of its neighborhood theaters over the last 20 to 30 years, but that's life. I wonder if people had benefits to save the last remaining neighborhood blacksmiths in 1911 or the last neighborhood tanneries or whatever. Point being that change is inevitable and nothing lasts forever and even though it's sad, that's just the way it is. Let's all have fond memories and move on.
(Full disclosure: I used to live around the corner in the 90's and saw a fair amount of movies there and always found it slightly annoying, but patronized it nonetheless.)
(Also, I don't remember anyone being especially heartbroken when the Full Moon Saloon - where the Red Vic moved into - closed down. I have this vague memory of going into that place once. But NFI, as the cops say.)
(That's police talk for "No Further Information." I'm rambling now. I was at a ballgame last night until 11:00 and didn't get home until midnight, so you'll have to give me a break.)
We have learned that the Red Vic movie theater on Haight is closing.
Later this month, 31 years to the day after it became an instant landmark in the Haight-Ashbury, the Red Vic Movie House will close.
"Our closure is 100 percent certain at this point," co-owner Claudia Lehan said. "On July 25, our birthday screening of 'Harold and Maude' will be our last, I'm sad to say."
Now, of course it is always sad when a business closes down, whether it be the Red Vic or any other business. (Speaking of Haight Street, does anyone remember Crescent City Cafe on Haight, where Best of Thai Noodle is now? Wow, Crescent City continues to have a lively online presence, despite the fact that it's been closed for years. That place was good. But I digress.)
I hate to sound like a dick about it, but that's commerce. You have a good idea, you run with it, it works for a while, but if people stop showing up, it's time to pack it up or come up with a new idea. Now, the Red Vic was a non-profit, so I guess having fundraisers to save it is cool and whatever, but in the end, if people don't want to pay for the product any more, it's not going to be viable any more.
I think it's sad and regrettable that San Francisco has lost most of its neighborhood theaters over the last 20 to 30 years, but that's life. I wonder if people had benefits to save the last remaining neighborhood blacksmiths in 1911 or the last neighborhood tanneries or whatever. Point being that change is inevitable and nothing lasts forever and even though it's sad, that's just the way it is. Let's all have fond memories and move on.
(Full disclosure: I used to live around the corner in the 90's and saw a fair amount of movies there and always found it slightly annoying, but patronized it nonetheless.)
(Also, I don't remember anyone being especially heartbroken when the Full Moon Saloon - where the Red Vic moved into - closed down. I have this vague memory of going into that place once. But NFI, as the cops say.)
(That's police talk for "No Further Information." I'm rambling now. I was at a ballgame last night until 11:00 and didn't get home until midnight, so you'll have to give me a break.)
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Brief reviews of things from this weekend
Churchill: The newish bar on Church and 14th. Friday happy hour was like the 3rd or 4th time I've been there and it is always packed. At least during the times I go there. They are going to make SO MUCH MONEY. Anyway, I like the place OK, I guess. I'd like to go sometime when it's not crazy busy to get a better idea. I had a Pimm's Cup (give me a break - it was like 75 degrees out, that's like Crazy Surface of the Sun Hot in SF) that tasted a little weird, not sure why. The Sister's Moscow Mule was pretty badass, though. 7.5/10
Uber car service: We go outside, The Sister pushes a button on her iPhone, and we're getting into a black town car driven by "Mischa" 3 minutes later. I did not pay for this service, so it was a fucking awesome way to get across town. How can you not like riding in the back of a town car driven by a guy who may or may not be in the Russian mob and never takes off his sunglasses? 10/10
The Royal Cuckoo: Newish bar on Mission and Valencia. I don't know, it's probably better when it's dark out. We got there at 7:30 and it was still bright out and it didn't seem exactly right. I like the feel of the place, and there are the usual artisanal cocktails and hand-muddled herbs and whatever and also a guy showed up and started playing a Wurlitzer organ and we all got a little Twin Peaks-ed out and went across the street to Knockout for beers. I'll try it again, though. 6.8/10
Nickie's: I always forget how much I like Nickie's. Everyone there is super nice and it's got a great convivial vibe, which you want from a pub-feeling kind of place, and I always manage to get into a conversation with a stranger here, usually someone interesting. I gotta start going there more often. 8/10 [Oh look, I wrote about Nickie's in 2008 and said about the same things. Well, good to know it's still good.] [Also, Nickie's, your website auto-plays music! BAD!!! BAD!!!!]
The brunch I made at home on Sunday: Scrambled eggs with andouille sausage, green onion, and cheddar. Hash browns. Fresh fruit. Mimosas. Fucking heavenly. 10/10
Le Colonial: Sunday was like the perfect night to sit on the veranda (and I do not use that term lightly) and have what turned out to be some really, really good Vietnamese/French food. Again with the weird cocktails, though! I got a mojito and it had orange juice in it. Yuck. But the food was outstanding and it's a great atmosphere out there on a warm night. Fucking expensive as hell, but sometimes you just gotta go for it. 8.2/10
Guy Getting Shot by BART Police at Civic Center Station on Sunday Night: They got a report of a guy with an open container of alcohol acting drunk at Civic Center Station? Dude, that is EVERY DAY AT CIVIC CENTER STATION. Fuck, I'VE been that guy at Civic Center Station. Good thing I didn't get shot. Anyway, I'm sure that it will be determined that the cops acted reasonably and whatever. That's how these things always turn out. 3.5/10
Cedar Rapids: I guess I would describe it as "cute." It's a cute movie. There are a few laughs, and John C. Reilly should get nominated for an Oscar for his supporting role as the Huge Douchebag. He was really fucking phenomenal. Worth Netflixing, I guess.
Illegal Fireworks in the Mission Last Night: Jesus Christ, people, WHAT THE FUCK. It sounded like a fucking war out there. I chugged a bottle of wine around 10 to take the edge off so I could go to bed without having flashbacks triggered and then I realized I didn't have any flashbacks to trigger but it was still pretty intense and the wine helped anyway. 1/10
Uber car service: We go outside, The Sister pushes a button on her iPhone, and we're getting into a black town car driven by "Mischa" 3 minutes later. I did not pay for this service, so it was a fucking awesome way to get across town. How can you not like riding in the back of a town car driven by a guy who may or may not be in the Russian mob and never takes off his sunglasses? 10/10
The Royal Cuckoo: Newish bar on Mission and Valencia. I don't know, it's probably better when it's dark out. We got there at 7:30 and it was still bright out and it didn't seem exactly right. I like the feel of the place, and there are the usual artisanal cocktails and hand-muddled herbs and whatever and also a guy showed up and started playing a Wurlitzer organ and we all got a little Twin Peaks-ed out and went across the street to Knockout for beers. I'll try it again, though. 6.8/10
Nickie's: I always forget how much I like Nickie's. Everyone there is super nice and it's got a great convivial vibe, which you want from a pub-feeling kind of place, and I always manage to get into a conversation with a stranger here, usually someone interesting. I gotta start going there more often. 8/10 [Oh look, I wrote about Nickie's in 2008 and said about the same things. Well, good to know it's still good.] [Also, Nickie's, your website auto-plays music! BAD!!! BAD!!!!]
The brunch I made at home on Sunday: Scrambled eggs with andouille sausage, green onion, and cheddar. Hash browns. Fresh fruit. Mimosas. Fucking heavenly. 10/10
Le Colonial: Sunday was like the perfect night to sit on the veranda (and I do not use that term lightly) and have what turned out to be some really, really good Vietnamese/French food. Again with the weird cocktails, though! I got a mojito and it had orange juice in it. Yuck. But the food was outstanding and it's a great atmosphere out there on a warm night. Fucking expensive as hell, but sometimes you just gotta go for it. 8.2/10
Guy Getting Shot by BART Police at Civic Center Station on Sunday Night: They got a report of a guy with an open container of alcohol acting drunk at Civic Center Station? Dude, that is EVERY DAY AT CIVIC CENTER STATION. Fuck, I'VE been that guy at Civic Center Station. Good thing I didn't get shot. Anyway, I'm sure that it will be determined that the cops acted reasonably and whatever. That's how these things always turn out. 3.5/10
Cedar Rapids: I guess I would describe it as "cute." It's a cute movie. There are a few laughs, and John C. Reilly should get nominated for an Oscar for his supporting role as the Huge Douchebag. He was really fucking phenomenal. Worth Netflixing, I guess.
Illegal Fireworks in the Mission Last Night: Jesus Christ, people, WHAT THE FUCK. It sounded like a fucking war out there. I chugged a bottle of wine around 10 to take the edge off so I could go to bed without having flashbacks triggered and then I realized I didn't have any flashbacks to trigger but it was still pretty intense and the wine helped anyway. 1/10
Friday, June 3, 2011
VOMIT TRAIN!!!!!!
SFAPPEAL IS THERE:
INT. MUNI TRAIN - UNDERGROUND
A crowded Muni train. The morning commute. Passengers sit and stand, some looking at their phones, some listening to music through white earbuds. A newspaper rustles.
Suddenly a SICK PASSENGER begins throwing up. There is an audible gasp and other PASSENGERS scurry to get out of the way of the noxious stream.
DON, a suit-wearing businessman in his late 30's standing near the front of the train, yells to the driver.
Officials at the San Francisco Municipal Transportation Agency are looking into why a Muni light rail operator did not let people off a train after a passenger became ill and vomited onboard, a spokesman said.An outbound K-T train took on an unpleasant odor when a passenger began throwing up at about 8:10 a.m. at Montgomery Station, Muni spokesman Paul Rose said.
The operator was ordered to allow passengers off at Montgomery station and then to take the train directly to West Portal station, where it would be cleaned, Rose said.
"The plan was always to take the train out of service at West Portal," he said.
Control room officials, however, noticed the train still had passengers aboard as it bypassed Powell Street and Civic Center stations, and ordered the operator to stop at Van Ness station to do so, Rose said. When the train finally stopped at Van Ness station, the passengers were allowed to leave. It was then taken to the West Portal station, cleaned, and returned to service. No significant delays were reported, Rose said.
INT. MUNI TRAIN - UNDERGROUND
A crowded Muni train. The morning commute. Passengers sit and stand, some looking at their phones, some listening to music through white earbuds. A newspaper rustles.
Suddenly a SICK PASSENGER begins throwing up. There is an audible gasp and other PASSENGERS scurry to get out of the way of the noxious stream.
DON, a suit-wearing businessman in his late 30's standing near the front of the train, yells to the driver.
DON
Driver, stop the train! This man is ill! He is vomiting!
Driver, stop the train! This man is ill! He is vomiting!
We see the DRIVER look over his shoulder as the train roars toward MONTGOMERY STATION.
DRIVER
The fuck you say!?
DON
Stop the train! This man needs help!
The fuck you say!?
DON
Stop the train! This man needs help!
The DRIVER looks forward as the train nears the brightly-lit STATION. He narrows his eyes. We see him push the train throttle all the way forward.
DRIVER
(muttering)
Fuck that.
(muttering)
Fuck that.
The train roars through the station. PASSENGERS begin screaming. PEGGY, a chubby, early-50's receptionist type, looks at the DRIVER beseechingly.
PEGGY
We're all going to die in here!
We're all going to die in here!
PEGGY faints.
DRIVER
Maybe.
Maybe.
(P.S. I'm counting this as a Muni accident, and have reset the counter accordingly.)
Monday, May 23, 2011
Please hold on. To my heart.
If you live in SF or NYC or some other city where a lot of people use Mass Transit, there are a certain number of sayings said in a certain way that are perpetually drilled into your brain from hearing them so many times.
The BART "The Doors. Are Closing. Please stand clear of the doors." voice is super-businesslike. Maybe even a little chilly? But somehow, paradoxically, also kind of warm.
BART: (It starts around :51):
Played in the movie by: Meryl Streep.
SF Muni has gone with a crazy male-female couple. She's all "Please hold on" and then he's all "Please exit through the rear doors." I like to imagine them in a zany romcom and she's pissed because he's stepping on her lines.
MUNI:
Played in the movie by: Kate Hudson and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
But these Bay Areans have got nothing on the New York MTA. If you've ever ridden a subway in New York City, you know the "Stand clear of the closing doors please" guy.
NYMTA:
That cadence! That rising and falling pitch! That slightly unhinged, happy-but-maybe-I'm-crazy-not-happy tone. It's got it all.
Played in the movie by: Lithgow, who else?
One frequently overlooked (and tragically so, I might add) voice is the SFO Airport Train Lady. She is cool and exotic, and doesn't just want you to hold on. She also wants you to set your luggage cart brakes to on.
SFO:
She may work the SFO Airport, but her soul will always be in Paris. Bon soir, mon amour!
Played in the movie by: Audrey Tatou.
[UNRELATED PROGRAMMING NOTE: Yes, I know "The Bachelorette" returns tonight and against my better judgment, I will be recapping again this season. See you tomorrow for that.]
The BART "The Doors. Are Closing. Please stand clear of the doors." voice is super-businesslike. Maybe even a little chilly? But somehow, paradoxically, also kind of warm.
BART: (It starts around :51):
Played in the movie by: Meryl Streep.
SF Muni has gone with a crazy male-female couple. She's all "Please hold on" and then he's all "Please exit through the rear doors." I like to imagine them in a zany romcom and she's pissed because he's stepping on her lines.
MUNI:
Played in the movie by: Kate Hudson and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
But these Bay Areans have got nothing on the New York MTA. If you've ever ridden a subway in New York City, you know the "Stand clear of the closing doors please" guy.
NYMTA:
That cadence! That rising and falling pitch! That slightly unhinged, happy-but-maybe-I'm-crazy-not-happy tone. It's got it all.
Played in the movie by: Lithgow, who else?
One frequently overlooked (and tragically so, I might add) voice is the SFO Airport Train Lady. She is cool and exotic, and doesn't just want you to hold on. She also wants you to set your luggage cart brakes to on.
SFO:
She may work the SFO Airport, but her soul will always be in Paris. Bon soir, mon amour!
Played in the movie by: Audrey Tatou.
[UNRELATED PROGRAMMING NOTE: Yes, I know "The Bachelorette" returns tonight and against my better judgment, I will be recapping again this season. See you tomorrow for that.]
Friday, April 22, 2011
I had a much more successful air travel experience yesterday.
As you may have gathered from my Twitter stream, I am currently traveling and therefore may not be posting as much. Two things, though:
1. Kind of an amazing overheard in the Hudson bookstore in the Denver International Airport yesterday. I first noticed this chick because she was holding a book and reading the ENTIRE BACK COVER to someone on the phone. Then she finished and waited for input, apparently, about whether this book would be a suitable read. I guess her confidante advised against it, because she didn't buy the book.
She got in line behind me and I got a look at her. Tall, maybe 5'10" or 5'11", blonde, not especially attractive, wearing glitter on her face, no joke. This is not at 4 am at a club on Ibiza. This is at 6 pm at the Denver International Airport. Is there a Rave Area at DEN that I don't know about?
She's still on the phone. "Oh, this is so cool. One of the directors of the movie I'm doing is going on tour with Atmosphere and filming a video for them. He's not, like, the main director. He's the other director. You've met him. I know one of the singers in Atmosphere so that's cool."
I gotta see the movie that Face Glitter Chick is in. Also, what movie has more than one director? Maybe he's the First AD.
Also, Atmosphere turns out to be an American hip hop group from Minneapolis, Minnesota. I did not know that.
2. After my permanently traumatizing, PTSD-inducing, borderline-suicide-causing trip on United Airlines last month, I just want to say that FRONTIER AIRLINES IS THE SHIT and I will never cheat on you with another airline again Frontier. Somewhere over the Great Plains, happily ensconced in the entire bulkhead row which I had to myself, enjoying my third complimentary vodka, I realized how wonderful Frontier Airlines has made modern travel. We got there early. Fuck you, United.
1. Kind of an amazing overheard in the Hudson bookstore in the Denver International Airport yesterday. I first noticed this chick because she was holding a book and reading the ENTIRE BACK COVER to someone on the phone. Then she finished and waited for input, apparently, about whether this book would be a suitable read. I guess her confidante advised against it, because she didn't buy the book.
She got in line behind me and I got a look at her. Tall, maybe 5'10" or 5'11", blonde, not especially attractive, wearing glitter on her face, no joke. This is not at 4 am at a club on Ibiza. This is at 6 pm at the Denver International Airport. Is there a Rave Area at DEN that I don't know about?
She's still on the phone. "Oh, this is so cool. One of the directors of the movie I'm doing is going on tour with Atmosphere and filming a video for them. He's not, like, the main director. He's the other director. You've met him. I know one of the singers in Atmosphere so that's cool."
I gotta see the movie that Face Glitter Chick is in. Also, what movie has more than one director? Maybe he's the First AD.
Also, Atmosphere turns out to be an American hip hop group from Minneapolis, Minnesota. I did not know that.
2. After my permanently traumatizing, PTSD-inducing, borderline-suicide-causing trip on United Airlines last month, I just want to say that FRONTIER AIRLINES IS THE SHIT and I will never cheat on you with another airline again Frontier. Somewhere over the Great Plains, happily ensconced in the entire bulkhead row which I had to myself, enjoying my third complimentary vodka, I realized how wonderful Frontier Airlines has made modern travel. We got there early. Fuck you, United.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Insomnia, what a pain in the fucking ass
I had terrible insomnia last night. I almost never have problems sleeping. This was the worst case I've ever had. Could a second cup of coffee at 9 a.m. really render me unable to sleep at 11:30 p.m.? Is that even possible? Because that's the only thing I can think of that could have caused it. I must have the caffeine sensitivity of a white rat.
Anyway, the thing that sucks so much about insomnia is that it's SO BORING. There's nothing to do but lie there and think. I tried my usual falling asleep games:
Cities A-Z: Albuquerque, Butte, Coral Gables, Denver, El Paso.... I feel like I've played this one so many times that I keep using the same cities and it gets too repetitive. So I switched to:
Movies A-Z: Apocalypse Now, Bad News Bears, Chinatown, Death of a Salesman (that must have been a movie at some point, right? I gave myself credit for that).
At around 1:30 a.m., the dog got fed up with my tossing and turning and left to go sleep in the front room.
At around the same time, the bar down the street and around the corner had last call, I guess, so a group of about 8 guys was gathered on the sidewalk near my house smoking and YELLING at each other. Does this happen every night and I just sleep through it?
At 2:00 a.m., I turned the light on and read for a while.
At 2:30, I turned the light off. "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster the People was now stuck in my head on infinite replay. It's an insanely catchy song, but not exactly what you want running through your head OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER when you want to go to sleep. Just hearing it right now is making me feel kind of queasy and desperate.
At 3:00, I started rationalizing. "If I can fall asleep by 3:30, that'll give me 3 hours of sleep. That should be fine. People with new babies get less than that all the time and nobody dies."
Around 4:00, the dog came back in and got back in bed with me.
I fell asleep sometime after 4:00 and had a dream that I was helping a girl pour champagne for a party in my rec room. I lived in a house with a rec room in this dream.
I woke up at 6:20, 10 minutes before the alarm went off.
Other than some clearly noticeable bags under my eyes, I actually don't feel that bad. But I cannot figure out WTF happened. Weird.
Anyway, the thing that sucks so much about insomnia is that it's SO BORING. There's nothing to do but lie there and think. I tried my usual falling asleep games:
Cities A-Z: Albuquerque, Butte, Coral Gables, Denver, El Paso.... I feel like I've played this one so many times that I keep using the same cities and it gets too repetitive. So I switched to:
Movies A-Z: Apocalypse Now, Bad News Bears, Chinatown, Death of a Salesman (that must have been a movie at some point, right? I gave myself credit for that).
At around 1:30 a.m., the dog got fed up with my tossing and turning and left to go sleep in the front room.
At around the same time, the bar down the street and around the corner had last call, I guess, so a group of about 8 guys was gathered on the sidewalk near my house smoking and YELLING at each other. Does this happen every night and I just sleep through it?
At 2:00 a.m., I turned the light on and read for a while.
At 2:30, I turned the light off. "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster the People was now stuck in my head on infinite replay. It's an insanely catchy song, but not exactly what you want running through your head OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER when you want to go to sleep. Just hearing it right now is making me feel kind of queasy and desperate.
At 3:00, I started rationalizing. "If I can fall asleep by 3:30, that'll give me 3 hours of sleep. That should be fine. People with new babies get less than that all the time and nobody dies."
Around 4:00, the dog came back in and got back in bed with me.
I fell asleep sometime after 4:00 and had a dream that I was helping a girl pour champagne for a party in my rec room. I lived in a house with a rec room in this dream.
I woke up at 6:20, 10 minutes before the alarm went off.
Other than some clearly noticeable bags under my eyes, I actually don't feel that bad. But I cannot figure out WTF happened. Weird.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Is this ridiculous? This seems ridiculous.
As part of my ongoing quest to try and figure out whether it's Me or Everybody Else, I present to you my latest quandary (which I happened to Twitter about yesterday): The Case of the Annoyingly Intrusive Garage Neighbor and Her Ridiculous Request.
Regular followers are already familiar with Annoying Garage Neighbor, as I have written before about her taking up the parking spaces in front of my house that aren't even in front of her garage. Maybe she figured out that was a total dick move, because now she only monopolizes one of the spaces full-time instead of two. Anyway.
(Basic story: She started renting the garage but instead of parking a car there she hangs out there sometimes and does God knows what. Sometimes there's hammering and loud music.)
ANYWAY, yesterday The Wife and I are coming out of our house on the way to go see "The Adjustment Bureau" (not bad, but might as well wait for DVD) and Annoying Neighbor is out there and she's all "Do you guys have a wireless network?" And she had just been interrupting my enjoyment of a 48 Hours Mystery on TLC bumping her shitty disco music so I was already irritated at having to interact w/ her. I go, "Yeah," and we're heading down the stairs and she goes "I was wondering if I could get on your network so I could work on some homework while I'm over here."
First of all, I don't know what kind of "homework" she does or why she can't do it in her own fucking house, but anyway, here's the point:
Isn't that a bizarrely intrusive request to make of someone you don't really know? I mean, really? Why don't I just give you the passwords to my bank account and email and you can just feel free to browse through those any time you want? Or maybe you'll just go Single White Female on us and change our password and lock us out of the network. Anyway, it's fucking weird, isn't it? I can't fathom asking someone I don't know something like that.
So I didn't really know how to react to this insane request and mumbled something about how it's a secure network and she goes "Well, I assume everyone has a secure network." Well OK then Miss Thing! You assumed right! I don't remember exactly what I said because the whole situation was so weird and now growing oddly confrontational and I was already going away to my Happy Place instead of staying focused so the only other thing I remember was her saying something about how she'd give us some money and I was like walking away and going "I don't think so," and then I said "Thanks," for some reason but I was already halfway down the block.
I don't know. Maybe this is totally normal and you'd gladly let the Parking Space Manipulator next door glom on to your wi-fi, but I really don't want someone strolling through my Personal Shit, someone I don't even know. Is that ridiculous?
(Then I couldn't really enjoy "The Adjustment Bureau" 100% because I was thinking about this whole weird interaction. Also, I hate going to movies on opening weekend. It's always too crowded and there are people wandering in 5 minutes after the start time and bumping around trying to find a place to sit and the whole thing's just annoying.)
ANYWAY.
UPDATE!!!!!!!!: Leslie might be in the running for Comment of the Year Award:
But you can’t because there is some garage-renting pop tart streaming episodes of Gossip Girl while she hammers away at some sort of Trojan Horse Armageddon Machine intended to exact revenge on her ex-boyfriend. Is a crumpled up ten dollar bill that smells like Clinique Happy at the end of the month going to satisfy you?
The next time you want to be this funny, Leslie, why don't you do it on your own goddam blog and stop making me look lame by comparison? OKAY????
Also, Chester has some intriguing technical ideas that are so far beyond the realm of what I'm capable of that they might as well involve building a rocket ship from household cleaning products or doing open heart surgery. But thanks, Chester! Oh, and FYI, it's not my garage; it's the garage immediately next door. We share a common wall, sort of.
Regular followers are already familiar with Annoying Garage Neighbor, as I have written before about her taking up the parking spaces in front of my house that aren't even in front of her garage. Maybe she figured out that was a total dick move, because now she only monopolizes one of the spaces full-time instead of two. Anyway.
(Basic story: She started renting the garage but instead of parking a car there she hangs out there sometimes and does God knows what. Sometimes there's hammering and loud music.)
ANYWAY, yesterday The Wife and I are coming out of our house on the way to go see "The Adjustment Bureau" (not bad, but might as well wait for DVD) and Annoying Neighbor is out there and she's all "Do you guys have a wireless network?" And she had just been interrupting my enjoyment of a 48 Hours Mystery on TLC bumping her shitty disco music so I was already irritated at having to interact w/ her. I go, "Yeah," and we're heading down the stairs and she goes "I was wondering if I could get on your network so I could work on some homework while I'm over here."
First of all, I don't know what kind of "homework" she does or why she can't do it in her own fucking house, but anyway, here's the point:
Isn't that a bizarrely intrusive request to make of someone you don't really know? I mean, really? Why don't I just give you the passwords to my bank account and email and you can just feel free to browse through those any time you want? Or maybe you'll just go Single White Female on us and change our password and lock us out of the network. Anyway, it's fucking weird, isn't it? I can't fathom asking someone I don't know something like that.
So I didn't really know how to react to this insane request and mumbled something about how it's a secure network and she goes "Well, I assume everyone has a secure network." Well OK then Miss Thing! You assumed right! I don't remember exactly what I said because the whole situation was so weird and now growing oddly confrontational and I was already going away to my Happy Place instead of staying focused so the only other thing I remember was her saying something about how she'd give us some money and I was like walking away and going "I don't think so," and then I said "Thanks," for some reason but I was already halfway down the block.
I don't know. Maybe this is totally normal and you'd gladly let the Parking Space Manipulator next door glom on to your wi-fi, but I really don't want someone strolling through my Personal Shit, someone I don't even know. Is that ridiculous?
(Then I couldn't really enjoy "The Adjustment Bureau" 100% because I was thinking about this whole weird interaction. Also, I hate going to movies on opening weekend. It's always too crowded and there are people wandering in 5 minutes after the start time and bumping around trying to find a place to sit and the whole thing's just annoying.)
ANYWAY.
UPDATE!!!!!!!!: Leslie might be in the running for Comment of the Year Award:
But you can’t because there is some garage-renting pop tart streaming episodes of Gossip Girl while she hammers away at some sort of Trojan Horse Armageddon Machine intended to exact revenge on her ex-boyfriend. Is a crumpled up ten dollar bill that smells like Clinique Happy at the end of the month going to satisfy you?
The next time you want to be this funny, Leslie, why don't you do it on your own goddam blog and stop making me look lame by comparison? OKAY????
Also, Chester has some intriguing technical ideas that are so far beyond the realm of what I'm capable of that they might as well involve building a rocket ship from household cleaning products or doing open heart surgery. But thanks, Chester! Oh, and FYI, it's not my garage; it's the garage immediately next door. We share a common wall, sort of.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Moammar Gadhafi predicts the Oscars
BEST PICTURE
This…this “Black Swan,” it is too much. “Toy Story” make me cry. Make Moammar cry! I have it killed for that. You have seen “Winter’s Bone”? What is “Winter’s Bone”?
Moammar say “Social Network.” I COMMAND IT.
BEST ACTOR
Javier Bardem? JAVIER BARDEM? How DARE he challenge 1000-year reign of Moammar! MOAMMAR BEST ACTOR. All others pretenders. Plus, Jesse Eisenberg too young. Still seem like "Superbad" to Moammar. Academy like serious. Not like Jesse Eisenberg.
BEST ACTRESS
Annette Bening too showy for Moammar. Nicole Kidman? What Nicole Kidman do this year? BRING NATALIE PORTMAN TO MOAMMAR AT ONCE. What? She carry another man’s baby? Kill him.
COSTUME DESIGN
MOAMMAR.
This…this “Black Swan,” it is too much. “Toy Story” make me cry. Make Moammar cry! I have it killed for that. You have seen “Winter’s Bone”? What is “Winter’s Bone”?
Moammar say “Social Network.” I COMMAND IT.
BEST ACTOR
Javier Bardem? JAVIER BARDEM? How DARE he challenge 1000-year reign of Moammar! MOAMMAR BEST ACTOR. All others pretenders. Plus, Jesse Eisenberg too young. Still seem like "Superbad" to Moammar. Academy like serious. Not like Jesse Eisenberg.
BEST ACTRESS
Annette Bening too showy for Moammar. Nicole Kidman? What Nicole Kidman do this year? BRING NATALIE PORTMAN TO MOAMMAR AT ONCE. What? She carry another man’s baby? Kill him.
COSTUME DESIGN
MOAMMAR.
DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
Moammar love Banksy. “Restrepo” good because it make Great Satan America look bad. But Banksy win.
ORIGINAL SONG
Moammar say “Country Strong” look stupid but Moammar like Gwyneth Paltrow to look stupid. Did Randy Newman write any song? Whatever song Randy Newman write wins.
FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
Ha! Moammar film “Greatest Glory to Moammar and Kingdom of Libya; Moammar Will Reign 1000 Years” will surely win. WHAT! MOAMMAR NOT NOMINATED! Death to all Foreign Language Film nominees! Death to Academy! Probably "Dogtooth" then.
ART DIRECTION
Who cares?
Monday, February 7, 2011
Iconic Movies I Have Never Seen
"The Karate Kid" was on TV Saturday and The Wife and I were both hanging out and idly watching it and I mentioned I've never seen it before. She was sort of shocked, because I guess it's one of those iconic movies that you just think everybody's seen. I mean, she's not from this country and she's seen pretty much all the iconic movies. You know, the ones that are part of the cultural lexicon and that people refer to all the time. Like, when someone says "Go ahead, make my day," you know they're referencing "Dirty Harry," right?
[SIDE NOTE: A couple of weeks ago, I did a blog post about movie quotes that I use in real life, based on a similar piece Zoe Stagg wrote on her blog. Then on Friday, the Chronicle did a story about movie lines. This is not the first time that I have written about something and then it shows up in the Chronicle a few days later. STOP STEALING MY IDEAS, SF CHRONICLE. I KNOW YOU'RE READING THIS. CALL ME AND WE'LL WORK SOMETHING OUT.]
Anyway. I had to go to band practice about halfway through "Karate Kid" so I still haven't seen it. Based on what I saw, it's a movie about an eccentric Japanese gardener who gets a kid to clean his house for free.
But for whatever reason, I've missed a lot of what I guess are the iconic films. I don't know why! I didn't use to go to the movies much; maybe that's it. But here's some of what I've never seen that I THINK everyone else in America has seen.
- Most Will Ferrell movies. I can't stand Will Ferrell. I did watch "Elf" all the way through and laughed once. So I've never seen "Old School" or "Anchorman" and is there one where he's a racecar driver? And a figure skater? There was a dodgeball one, too, right? None of those.
- Any "Mission: Impossible" movie.
- I saw the first half of the first "Pirates of the Caribbean" but I thought it was so boring I turned it off.
- Most Ben Stiller movies. I don't think Ben Stiller's been in anything I've wanted to see since "The Royal Tenenbaums." No "Zoolander" or any of those Focker movies.
- Oh, wait, I thought "Tropic Thunder" was funny. He was in that, I guess.
- Most later Tarantino. Never saw the "Kill Bill" movies.
- "The Sound of Music."
- I've never seen "Blade Runner." I know, I know. Peeps is gonna FREAK OUT.
- Almost any musical. I've never seen "Singin' in the Rain" or "The King and I" or any of that shit.
- Any of the "Matrix" movies.
- Until recently, I'd never seen "Point Break" all the way through. I find it hilarious that "Point Break" is on The Times of London's list of The 100 Greatest Films of All Time. It was OK if you like terrible dialogue and laughable plots.
- Never seen "Schindler's List."
I'm sure there are a lot more big ones I can't think of right now. Crazy, huh?
[SIDE NOTE: A couple of weeks ago, I did a blog post about movie quotes that I use in real life, based on a similar piece Zoe Stagg wrote on her blog. Then on Friday, the Chronicle did a story about movie lines. This is not the first time that I have written about something and then it shows up in the Chronicle a few days later. STOP STEALING MY IDEAS, SF CHRONICLE. I KNOW YOU'RE READING THIS. CALL ME AND WE'LL WORK SOMETHING OUT.]
Anyway. I had to go to band practice about halfway through "Karate Kid" so I still haven't seen it. Based on what I saw, it's a movie about an eccentric Japanese gardener who gets a kid to clean his house for free.
But for whatever reason, I've missed a lot of what I guess are the iconic films. I don't know why! I didn't use to go to the movies much; maybe that's it. But here's some of what I've never seen that I THINK everyone else in America has seen.
- Most Will Ferrell movies. I can't stand Will Ferrell. I did watch "Elf" all the way through and laughed once. So I've never seen "Old School" or "Anchorman" and is there one where he's a racecar driver? And a figure skater? There was a dodgeball one, too, right? None of those.
- Any "Mission: Impossible" movie.
- I saw the first half of the first "Pirates of the Caribbean" but I thought it was so boring I turned it off.
- Most Ben Stiller movies. I don't think Ben Stiller's been in anything I've wanted to see since "The Royal Tenenbaums." No "Zoolander" or any of those Focker movies.
- Oh, wait, I thought "Tropic Thunder" was funny. He was in that, I guess.
- Most later Tarantino. Never saw the "Kill Bill" movies.
- "The Sound of Music."
- I've never seen "Blade Runner." I know, I know. Peeps is gonna FREAK OUT.
- Almost any musical. I've never seen "Singin' in the Rain" or "The King and I" or any of that shit.
- Any of the "Matrix" movies.
- Until recently, I'd never seen "Point Break" all the way through. I find it hilarious that "Point Break" is on The Times of London's list of The 100 Greatest Films of All Time. It was OK if you like terrible dialogue and laughable plots.
- Never seen "Schindler's List."
I'm sure there are a lot more big ones I can't think of right now. Crazy, huh?
Thursday, January 20, 2011
More about movies: Movie quotes in real life
The (I'm sure; not speaking from personal experience) lovely and charming Zoë Stagg speaks on a topic that I've thought often about but which has never bubbled up to the surface of my blog-consciousness, viz., movie quotes that have made it into your regular everyday speech:
I will! I will!
1. "Well, this is all very good news. And this is empty."
From "Where the Buffalo Roam," a semi-forgotten 1980 classic in which Bill Murray plays Hunter S. Thompson SO WELL. This line is typically deployed when, well, something is very good news; the "this is empty" part is a vestigial remnant from the film (where it refers, as it happens, to an empty cocaine vial) and no longer carries any meaning, but sticks around because it was there originally. Like an appendix or male nipples.
This isn’t your “that’s not a knife,” no sirs and ma’ams. This list is lines from movies that are so utilitarian they have sneaked, in whatever paraphrased form, into my actual script o’ life. To qualify, they not only have to roll like Skippy 100% Natural, and they have to have an under-the-radar secret memory smile to them.
Recognizable, sure, some of them, but they weren’t the taglines on any posters. Google was not molested to ensure their accuracy, they’re presented as I remember—and use them.
1. “Come friends, let us away.” Martin Sheen’s not-president character in The American President. USE: When you’re in a group of people doing that “where should we go eat, are we getting in cars, can someone make a plan please?”
2. “That’s a decision every girl has got to make for herself.” Clueless. What. Come at me. Cher, talking about Tai’s virginity, I think. USE: To agree to disagree, to aid and abet questionable taste—yours, or otherwise.
3.“Why am I back here on brain detail?” Infinitely quotable, Pulp Fiction. But this is the most infinitely usable scrap from the Martin’s brains scene. USE: Hello, charmingly friend, can you lend a hand here on this disgusting task that should be more your bag than mine, hey and thanks!
4. “Yeah. I hate bugs.” More a cautionary reminder to myself from the “what should our prom theme be?” scene in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. USE: When you find yourself making a particularly inane and insufferably vapid proclamation, scold yourself with this.
5. “This is it. Don’t get scared now.” The Kevin McAllister mantra of bravery, Home Alone. USE: Constantly, in situations of peril.
Honorable Mention: “Put. The bunny. Down.” One of the finest American action films with an unbelievable cast. Con Air. From the belly of the plane scene? I remember fire. USE: Cease your irritation of me and your overstepping of my patience and cut it OUT.
SO? Come at me with your quotes. It’d be a whole lot cooler if you did…
I will! I will!
1. "Well, this is all very good news. And this is empty."
From "Where the Buffalo Roam," a semi-forgotten 1980 classic in which Bill Murray plays Hunter S. Thompson SO WELL. This line is typically deployed when, well, something is very good news; the "this is empty" part is a vestigial remnant from the film (where it refers, as it happens, to an empty cocaine vial) and no longer carries any meaning, but sticks around because it was there originally. Like an appendix or male nipples.
2. "I get very greedy with my supplies once we're airborne."
Same movie. Used whenever there is a fixed quantity of something and you've offered some up, for the last time.
3. "I will not be ignored, Dan."
From "Fatal Attraction," of course. Used to overdramatize situations in which someone is not giving you your proper heed. Example: You're talking to someone who is watching TV/playing on their phone/asleep and they aren't listening to you.
4. "I shouldn't have drunk all that cough syrup this morning."
Bill Murray again, this time in "Stripes," one of those movies I've seen a double digits number of times. Used whenever one groggily does something stupid, i.e., turns on empty coffee maker, puts keys in fridge.
5. "This kind of thing is very common in show business."
Not from a movie, actually, but from "Seinfeld," a Quote Factory in its own right. I tend to break this out whenever I am telling The Wife about some perceived incident of flirting with some girl in the world. She has her own ideas about whether any actual flirting ever occurs.
Speaking of The Wife, she has a few of her own:
1. "Now, is that civilized? Clearly not."
"Gremlins 2." Used when something is clearly uncivilized.
2. "You're a handsome devil. What's your name?"
This is The Wife's go-to line when meeting a new baby. Usually male, I guess. It's from "Grosse Pointe Blank."
3. "I saved Latin. What did you do?"
Used when someone is bragging about something. From the second-best movie of all time, "Rushmore."
What are yours? Do tell.
TK's Sober Movie Reviews
Let me get this out front first: As I alluded to on Twitter, I fucked up Sober January. Actually, I fucked it up repeatedly, but last weekend (when I posted about it on Twitter), it was totally and completely The Wife’s fault. We were at this art show thing and I was sulking around with my Sparkling Water and The Wife finally browbeat me into having wine so we could have Fun. Which then did ensue and ended up in a lengthy, late-night dinner for 5 at Foreign Cinema with lots more wine and booze and then the Smoking of the Cigarettes and the Hailing of the Cabs and then the Further Unnecessary Drinking.
And then, once it’s ruined, why not just carry on the rest of the weekend? Hey, Miss America’s on!
(I only watched – LITERALLY – like 10 minutes of it and could totally tell that Miss Texas was going to win. Also, I saw a little bit of the talent competition and some chick did a Double Ventriloquist thing with 2 dummies that was mindblowing and immensely sad at the same time. It almost made me cry.)
What was my point? Oh yeah, anyway, back on Sober January again and you know what happens during Sober January? You watch a lot of movies. So here are my uninformed bullshit takes on what we’ve seen, in roughly reverse chronological order:
Three Kings: I guess David O. Russell’s original vision for this film, which concerns the Gulf War for Oil and came out in 1999, will forever be tainted by, um, subsequent events. I found it impossible to not think about what was coming 10+ years after this film is set. Anyway, it’s pretty good. Ice Cube actually does a serviceable job with the acting. The ending’s a little too pat, but that’s Hollywood. (Humorously, David O. Russell is known in Hollywood as “David O. Asshole.” No point; I just think that’s funny.) George Clooney plays Major George Clooney.
Please Give: Yes, it’s another film about whiny, navel-gazing, self-involved Manhattanites, but I actually really liked it and I don’t know why. Maybe Amanda Peet. Amanda Peet rules. Also, there’s a kid who turns in a great performance. The message of the film seems to be that joy comes from material things, which is refreshingly honest. Or maybe that’s not the message, I don’t know. Anyway, there’s not a lot of story but the dialogue is pretty great and Amanda Peet is in it.
Amanda Peet is startled while looking for something to wear in her next low-budget, character-driven indie.
Catfish: This was awesome. It’s a documentary about meeting people on the Internet and GASP maybe everyone is not what they seem. It’s hard to say too much without giving the whole thing away. There is one scene of incredible tension that rivals anything in some retarded Michael Bay action thriller, and there aren’t even any explosions in it. Anyway, if you use the Internet, you will enjoy this film.
Heathers: I hadn’t seen it in a long time, and The Wife had never seen it. I was anticipating a fun-filled romp through the past, but The Wife fell asleep and I found out that this movie really doesn’t hold up well at all.
The Ghost Writer: Now, this was pretty great. It’s sort of a political suspense thriller which may not sound that exciting but it really is. Reappearance of the teacher from “Rushmore”! Anyway, totally worth watching.
Monsoon Wedding: Pretty much exactly what I expected. It’s a chick flick from India. It was fine. Better than some chick flicks, I’ll tell you that much. It was better than “Love and Other Drugs.” That’s a chick flick, right? It wasn't very good.
And then, once it’s ruined, why not just carry on the rest of the weekend? Hey, Miss America’s on!
(I only watched – LITERALLY – like 10 minutes of it and could totally tell that Miss Texas was going to win. Also, I saw a little bit of the talent competition and some chick did a Double Ventriloquist thing with 2 dummies that was mindblowing and immensely sad at the same time. It almost made me cry.)
What was my point? Oh yeah, anyway, back on Sober January again and you know what happens during Sober January? You watch a lot of movies. So here are my uninformed bullshit takes on what we’ve seen, in roughly reverse chronological order:
Three Kings: I guess David O. Russell’s original vision for this film, which concerns the Gulf War for Oil and came out in 1999, will forever be tainted by, um, subsequent events. I found it impossible to not think about what was coming 10+ years after this film is set. Anyway, it’s pretty good. Ice Cube actually does a serviceable job with the acting. The ending’s a little too pat, but that’s Hollywood. (Humorously, David O. Russell is known in Hollywood as “David O. Asshole.” No point; I just think that’s funny.) George Clooney plays Major George Clooney.
Please Give: Yes, it’s another film about whiny, navel-gazing, self-involved Manhattanites, but I actually really liked it and I don’t know why. Maybe Amanda Peet. Amanda Peet rules. Also, there’s a kid who turns in a great performance. The message of the film seems to be that joy comes from material things, which is refreshingly honest. Or maybe that’s not the message, I don’t know. Anyway, there’s not a lot of story but the dialogue is pretty great and Amanda Peet is in it.
Amanda Peet is startled while looking for something to wear in her next low-budget, character-driven indie.
Catfish: This was awesome. It’s a documentary about meeting people on the Internet and GASP maybe everyone is not what they seem. It’s hard to say too much without giving the whole thing away. There is one scene of incredible tension that rivals anything in some retarded Michael Bay action thriller, and there aren’t even any explosions in it. Anyway, if you use the Internet, you will enjoy this film.
Heathers: I hadn’t seen it in a long time, and The Wife had never seen it. I was anticipating a fun-filled romp through the past, but The Wife fell asleep and I found out that this movie really doesn’t hold up well at all.
The Ghost Writer: Now, this was pretty great. It’s sort of a political suspense thriller which may not sound that exciting but it really is. Reappearance of the teacher from “Rushmore”! Anyway, totally worth watching.
Monsoon Wedding: Pretty much exactly what I expected. It’s a chick flick from India. It was fine. Better than some chick flicks, I’ll tell you that much. It was better than “Love and Other Drugs.” That’s a chick flick, right? It wasn't very good.
Monday, January 17, 2011
FREE RICKY
I fucking love Ricky Gervais.
So it appears some people are really mad at Ricky Gervais about how mean he was to the Important Celebrities last night and now they won't let him host the Golden Globes again. Before Ricky Gervais hosted the Golden Globes, it never crossed my mind to watch it. If they can him, I can't think of any reason to watch it again. He makes the fucking show.
Rumor on the street is that he's already been fired; his reps say, winningly, that that's "rubbish." I hope it's not true.
So it appears some people are really mad at Ricky Gervais about how mean he was to the Important Celebrities last night and now they won't let him host the Golden Globes again. Before Ricky Gervais hosted the Golden Globes, it never crossed my mind to watch it. If they can him, I can't think of any reason to watch it again. He makes the fucking show.
Rumor on the street is that he's already been fired; his reps say, winningly, that that's "rubbish." I hope it's not true.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Better older/better younger
Last night I watched "Heathers" with The Wife because she'd never seen it (partly at least, I suppose, because she's 10 years younger than me) and you know what? It wasn't nearly as good as I remembered. I guess some movies are best watched stoned with 8 other people in a dorm room. A lot of what I took for edgy and alternative at the time now seems sadly dated and forced. She didn't like it much either. I guess "Heathers" doesn't stand up so well.
Anyway, that made me start thinking. What's better when you get older? What's worse?
Better when you get older
1. Food and wine (the things, not the magazine)
When you're really, really young, you think creamed celery is pretty much the bomb. Then you have an annoying I'll-only-eat-white-food phase. Then McDonald's seems like the Best Fucking Thing Ever. Then what, college cafeteria food? Bitch please. You have no idea how to eat until you build up a palate that comes from years of experimentation. (Some people longer than others, obvs.) Same thing with wine. You don't even like wine when you first start drinking. Then you think Turning Leaf is basically Stag's Leap on sale. It takes a long time to figure out what good is.
[DISCLAIMER: This doesn't apply if you're some Richie Rich who grew up in Atherton and went to the Dining Room at the Ritz-Carlton on Tuesday nights like it wasn't no thang. If so, I hate you/am jealous.]
2. Your parents
Those nagging sacks of flesh that use to exist solely to drive you batshit insane slowly morph into Intelligent Adults with Thoughts and Feelings. Sometimes they even say something rational or sensical. Not often, but once in a while.
3. Sex
Remember how hard it was to learn to drive a stick? And the first time you tried in the parking lot somewhere you kept stalling and stalling and you could never make the car go? And now you don't even think about it and you can flow through the gears like a professional driver without even thinking about it? And because you have the basics down so pat, you could basically do everything without thinking about it and be able to play with the radio or even fix your hair while you're driving.
Now, I wouldn't drive for 3 hours around town in a stick anymore, but that first hour is still fun.
4. New York City
You know what makes New York City fun? MONEY. You know what you don't have when you're young? MONEY.
[Again, if you're some trust fund kid who grew up on the Upper East Side or whatever, more power to you. I'm talking generally here.]
5. Baseball
There is something about the casual rhythm of baseball that appeals to me more the older I get. When you're young, your sugar-addled, gnat-like attention span gets frustrated if something doesn't happen every 3 seconds. Now that I'm a little older, I appreciate the break.
Better when you're younger
1. Drugs
Yayyyyyy! Let's stay up for 3 days! Stroking your hair and blissing out to Happy Mondays is SO MUCH FUN. Best of all, I can stay up until 3 am shrooming and then go to work the next day!
2. Law & Order
The repetition is somehow lulling and calming. It is a replacement for the gentle cycles of childhood. Instead of Nap Time, it's Misleading Suspect Time. Instead of Snack Time, it's Courtroom Scene Time. Only as you get older do you realize that watching a show in which every episode is essentially the same gets a little unsatisfying.
3. Picking up chicks
When you get a little older, you'll learn that it's not as much fun. Especially getting them to take the candy and get into the van. JOKING. JOKING.
4. House parties
Younger: OMG SO MUCH FUN 3 kegs drinking all night tons of people who's that who woke up in the bathtub LOL there's someone passed out on the kitchen floor
Older: Who are these people in my house? Is that guy opening my 1989 Pichon-Baron and pouring it into a plastic cup?
5. Football
Something about football doesn't appeal to me as much as when I was younger. I'm theorizing there's a thing where baseball gets better and football gets worse the older you get. I don't know why.
Anyway, that made me start thinking. What's better when you get older? What's worse?
Better when you get older
1. Food and wine (the things, not the magazine)
When you're really, really young, you think creamed celery is pretty much the bomb. Then you have an annoying I'll-only-eat-white-food phase. Then McDonald's seems like the Best Fucking Thing Ever. Then what, college cafeteria food? Bitch please. You have no idea how to eat until you build up a palate that comes from years of experimentation. (Some people longer than others, obvs.) Same thing with wine. You don't even like wine when you first start drinking. Then you think Turning Leaf is basically Stag's Leap on sale. It takes a long time to figure out what good is.
[DISCLAIMER: This doesn't apply if you're some Richie Rich who grew up in Atherton and went to the Dining Room at the Ritz-Carlton on Tuesday nights like it wasn't no thang. If so, I hate you/am jealous.]
2. Your parents
Those nagging sacks of flesh that use to exist solely to drive you batshit insane slowly morph into Intelligent Adults with Thoughts and Feelings. Sometimes they even say something rational or sensical. Not often, but once in a while.
3. Sex
Remember how hard it was to learn to drive a stick? And the first time you tried in the parking lot somewhere you kept stalling and stalling and you could never make the car go? And now you don't even think about it and you can flow through the gears like a professional driver without even thinking about it? And because you have the basics down so pat, you could basically do everything without thinking about it and be able to play with the radio or even fix your hair while you're driving.
Now, I wouldn't drive for 3 hours around town in a stick anymore, but that first hour is still fun.
4. New York City
You know what makes New York City fun? MONEY. You know what you don't have when you're young? MONEY.
[Again, if you're some trust fund kid who grew up on the Upper East Side or whatever, more power to you. I'm talking generally here.]
5. Baseball
There is something about the casual rhythm of baseball that appeals to me more the older I get. When you're young, your sugar-addled, gnat-like attention span gets frustrated if something doesn't happen every 3 seconds. Now that I'm a little older, I appreciate the break.
Better when you're younger
1. Drugs
Yayyyyyy! Let's stay up for 3 days! Stroking your hair and blissing out to Happy Mondays is SO MUCH FUN. Best of all, I can stay up until 3 am shrooming and then go to work the next day!
2. Law & Order
The repetition is somehow lulling and calming. It is a replacement for the gentle cycles of childhood. Instead of Nap Time, it's Misleading Suspect Time. Instead of Snack Time, it's Courtroom Scene Time. Only as you get older do you realize that watching a show in which every episode is essentially the same gets a little unsatisfying.
3. Picking up chicks
When you get a little older, you'll learn that it's not as much fun. Especially getting them to take the candy and get into the van. JOKING. JOKING.
4. House parties
Younger: OMG SO MUCH FUN 3 kegs drinking all night tons of people who's that who woke up in the bathtub LOL there's someone passed out on the kitchen floor
Older: Who are these people in my house? Is that guy opening my 1989 Pichon-Baron and pouring it into a plastic cup?
5. Football
Something about football doesn't appeal to me as much as when I was younger. I'm theorizing there's a thing where baseball gets better and football gets worse the older you get. I don't know why.
Friday, January 7, 2011
It's January! That's Deadpool time.
Along with celebrating the New Year and getting blackout drunk and making poor choices and whatever, another New Year's Eve tradition at Casa TK is the Annual Selecting Your Deadpool Picks for the New Year. We let it slack last year for some reason. I'm not sure why. ANYWAY, back on track this year! Let's see who we've got.
TK picked:
Zsa Zsa Gabor! Now, I should tell you that the way we score is 100 minus the person's age, so you get a lot more points for younger decedents, and if you pick someone OVER 100 years old, you actually lose points, which is as it should be. NEVERTHELESS, sometimes only one person in a given pool in a given year actually dies, so I'm feeling pretty comfortable picking one nonagenarian once in a while. BONUS: She appears to be in poor health!
Elizabeth Taylor. I tend to pick her regularly, but that old warhorse keeps coming back for more.
Tony Bennett. Hopefully he leaves the GRAND PRIZE in San Francisco.
Willie Mays. Sorry, Say Hey. Nothing personal, only business. I love you, man.
Jerry Stiller. I know, right?
The Wife picked:
Roger Ebert. That seems cold but I can see it.
Hal Holbrook. Solid choice, I think.
Queen Elizabeth. Charles in Charge!
Tara Reid. It's often good to pick an Obviously Troubled Younger Person. Some joker picks Lilo every year, but that bitch never dies. The problem is, you can never see it coming. Like Brittany Murphy? You can't sit here and tell me you'd pick Brittany Murphy. Heath Ledger? C'mon. Anyway, Tara's as good as any, I guess.
Liza Minelli. Bad pick. Liza Minelli actually died in 2002 and has been played by an animatronic robot ever since. Little known fact.
Guest #1, whom we shall refer to as Sigmund, picked as follows:
Michael Douglas. Canny! Doesn't he have some kind of cancer?
Dick Clark. Believe it or not, Dick Clark is still alive, even though he now vaguely resembles a male version of Madame.
Betty White. Struck down at the prime of her career. Tragic.
Margaret Thatcher. Again, I had to refer to Dead or Alive, but it appears the Iron Lady is going strong at 85.
Tracy Morgan. The oddball pick. Love it. Tracy Morgan is so intensely weird that he is just as likely to die in some kind of hot air ballooning/barbequing mishap as a drug overdose.
Guest #2, whom we shall refer to as Natasha, chose:
Hugh Hefner. This was everyone's first pick. Natasha just happened to win the draw and go first. It just seems like his year.
Muammar Qaddafi. Or Ghadafi or however we're spelling it these days. Interesting. Only 68 years old, but I guess you never know with tyrannical despots.
Kim Jong-Il. Wait a minute, Natasha. I sense a trend here.
Amy Winehouse. OK, so you're off of evil old men now. Good.
Dick Cheney. Whoops, never mind.
Finally, The Sister could only round up 3 picks, but they're pretty good:
Lindsay Lohan. Every year. Without fail.
John Cougar Mellencamp. 4 pack a day smoker? Really? I guess, oh yeah, life doesn't go on. OH SNAP.
Fidel Castro. Natasha, you missed one!
Who'd we miss? Any good ones?
TK picked:
Zsa Zsa Gabor! Now, I should tell you that the way we score is 100 minus the person's age, so you get a lot more points for younger decedents, and if you pick someone OVER 100 years old, you actually lose points, which is as it should be. NEVERTHELESS, sometimes only one person in a given pool in a given year actually dies, so I'm feeling pretty comfortable picking one nonagenarian once in a while. BONUS: She appears to be in poor health!
Elizabeth Taylor. I tend to pick her regularly, but that old warhorse keeps coming back for more.
Tony Bennett. Hopefully he leaves the GRAND PRIZE in San Francisco.
Willie Mays. Sorry, Say Hey. Nothing personal, only business. I love you, man.
Jerry Stiller. I know, right?
The Wife picked:
Roger Ebert. That seems cold but I can see it.
Hal Holbrook. Solid choice, I think.
Queen Elizabeth. Charles in Charge!
Tara Reid. It's often good to pick an Obviously Troubled Younger Person. Some joker picks Lilo every year, but that bitch never dies. The problem is, you can never see it coming. Like Brittany Murphy? You can't sit here and tell me you'd pick Brittany Murphy. Heath Ledger? C'mon. Anyway, Tara's as good as any, I guess.
Liza Minelli. Bad pick. Liza Minelli actually died in 2002 and has been played by an animatronic robot ever since. Little known fact.
Guest #1, whom we shall refer to as Sigmund, picked as follows:
Michael Douglas. Canny! Doesn't he have some kind of cancer?
Dick Clark. Believe it or not, Dick Clark is still alive, even though he now vaguely resembles a male version of Madame.
Betty White. Struck down at the prime of her career. Tragic.
Margaret Thatcher. Again, I had to refer to Dead or Alive, but it appears the Iron Lady is going strong at 85.
Tracy Morgan. The oddball pick. Love it. Tracy Morgan is so intensely weird that he is just as likely to die in some kind of hot air ballooning/barbequing mishap as a drug overdose.
Guest #2, whom we shall refer to as Natasha, chose:
Hugh Hefner. This was everyone's first pick. Natasha just happened to win the draw and go first. It just seems like his year.
Muammar Qaddafi. Or Ghadafi or however we're spelling it these days. Interesting. Only 68 years old, but I guess you never know with tyrannical despots.
Kim Jong-Il. Wait a minute, Natasha. I sense a trend here.
Amy Winehouse. OK, so you're off of evil old men now. Good.
Dick Cheney. Whoops, never mind.
Finally, The Sister could only round up 3 picks, but they're pretty good:
Lindsay Lohan. Every year. Without fail.
John Cougar Mellencamp. 4 pack a day smoker? Really? I guess, oh yeah, life doesn't go on. OH SNAP.
Fidel Castro. Natasha, you missed one!
Who'd we miss? Any good ones?
Monday, December 20, 2010
Your Quick Reference Guide to Celebrity Rehab 4
THE PLAYERS
Jason Davis is a fat guy whose grandfather invented movies or something. He is addicted to heroin and Twix bars, which is understandable because both are delicious. He is enemies with FRANKIE.
Leif Garrett is a guy your Mom used to masturbate to. He is addicted to everything in the world. He is enemies with EVERYONE and is especially annoyed by FRANKIE and with good reason because she is annoying as fuck.
Jeremy London was on Party of Five and was in the news recently because he was kidnapped by space aliens and taken to planet Are You Fucking Kidding Me and forced to take drugs and have fun. He's a little puffy but seems like a nice kid. He has a wife who looks like a RealDoll and is friends with LEIF.
Janice Dickinson is a semi-preserved former supermodel who eats barbituates for fun and gets mad when people don't pay attention to her. She is enemies with RACHEL.
Jason Wahler is a normal guy who happened to walk into the Pasadena Recovery Center by accident one day and was never allowed to leave. On "Celebrity Rehab," he is played by himself, or the other way around or something.
Frankie Lons is the mother of either Keyshia Cole, Keisha Knight Pulliam, or Ke$ha. She enjoys using the word "motherfucker," which is bleeped out with some success by authorities at VH1.
Rachel Uchitel is not the least attractive chick Tiger Woods banged. In fact, she is not in the bottom 10. She is addicted to not wearing enough clothing.
Eric Roberts is a strange pothead. His "Eracism" t-shirt somehow survived the 80's intact.
EPISODE GUIDE
Episode 1: Blah blah blah everyone talks about their boring lives. Jason Davis is a dick.
Episode 2: Everyone freaks out a little when they can't have any more drugs. Jason Davis is a dick.
Episode 3: Jeremy London's wife is wheeled in so everyone can get a look at her construction. Leif Garret is pissed. Jason Davis is a dick.
Episode 4: Everyone goes to the beach! There are no drugs there. Leif Garrett is going to leave. No, he's not now. Eric Roberts cries. Jason Davis is not that bad. Rachel takes a cab to oblivion.
Episode 5: Rachel realizes she must stay on TV to become famous and comes back. Resident Tech Shelley would kill for just one hit of crack.
COMING UP THIS SEASON
Everyone leaves and starts taking drugs again.
MY FAVORITE CHARACTER ON THE SHOW
Resident Tech Shelley. How much fun would it be to go on a weekend-long bender with her? Fuck.
Jason Davis is a fat guy whose grandfather invented movies or something. He is addicted to heroin and Twix bars, which is understandable because both are delicious. He is enemies with FRANKIE.
Leif Garrett is a guy your Mom used to masturbate to. He is addicted to everything in the world. He is enemies with EVERYONE and is especially annoyed by FRANKIE and with good reason because she is annoying as fuck.
Jeremy London was on Party of Five and was in the news recently because he was kidnapped by space aliens and taken to planet Are You Fucking Kidding Me and forced to take drugs and have fun. He's a little puffy but seems like a nice kid. He has a wife who looks like a RealDoll and is friends with LEIF.
Janice Dickinson is a semi-preserved former supermodel who eats barbituates for fun and gets mad when people don't pay attention to her. She is enemies with RACHEL.
Jason Wahler is a normal guy who happened to walk into the Pasadena Recovery Center by accident one day and was never allowed to leave. On "Celebrity Rehab," he is played by himself, or the other way around or something.
Frankie Lons is the mother of either Keyshia Cole, Keisha Knight Pulliam, or Ke$ha. She enjoys using the word "motherfucker," which is bleeped out with some success by authorities at VH1.
Rachel Uchitel is not the least attractive chick Tiger Woods banged. In fact, she is not in the bottom 10. She is addicted to not wearing enough clothing.
Eric Roberts is a strange pothead. His "Eracism" t-shirt somehow survived the 80's intact.
EPISODE GUIDE
Episode 1: Blah blah blah everyone talks about their boring lives. Jason Davis is a dick.
Episode 2: Everyone freaks out a little when they can't have any more drugs. Jason Davis is a dick.
Episode 3: Jeremy London's wife is wheeled in so everyone can get a look at her construction. Leif Garret is pissed. Jason Davis is a dick.
Episode 4: Everyone goes to the beach! There are no drugs there. Leif Garrett is going to leave. No, he's not now. Eric Roberts cries. Jason Davis is not that bad. Rachel takes a cab to oblivion.
Episode 5: Rachel realizes she must stay on TV to become famous and comes back. Resident Tech Shelley would kill for just one hit of crack.
COMING UP THIS SEASON
Everyone leaves and starts taking drugs again.
MY FAVORITE CHARACTER ON THE SHOW
Resident Tech Shelley. How much fun would it be to go on a weekend-long bender with her? Fuck.
Monday, December 6, 2010
I did some marrying this weekend.
My friends Stephen and Jessica got married Saturday, and they thought it would be a good idea to have me perform the wedding. Stephen said they had put a lot of thought into it and finally decided to honor me with this position because I am "tall." So we all went to City Hall and I swore to defend the Constitution against all enemies foreign and domestic and then I *POOF* became a Deputy Marriage Commissioner. I was ready to get some fucking nuptials on.
The actual ceremony was at Stephen's store, Dusty Modern, over on 20th and South Van Ness. Everybody was standing there watching and so I just dove in and warmed up the crowd with a couple of jokes. People laughed because they didn't know what else to do. J&S wrote their won vows because they wanted to have at least one part of the ceremony that I couldn't fuck up. They did a hella good job on that part. But I needed them to wrap it up because I had more good material written.
Anyway, I pronounced them Husband & Wife and whatnot and then we had champagne and then we all (like about 60 of us) tromped on over to Foreign Cinema for food and more booze. Luckily they made arrangements ahead of time but I thought it might be a hoot to walk up to the hostess stand and say "Yeah, we got about 65. How soon can you seat us?" Alas, that opportunity never presented itself.
The reception thing was in this big private room at Foreign Cinema where they were projecting "North by Northwest" on one wall and then everyone had to Google and find out who the female lead is, and SPOILER ALERT it's Eva Marie Saint. Anyway, the food was really good and then everyone gave toasts and I think I did too but I don't remember what I said because I was pretty lit by that point.
I think this is the first dance or something. I don't remember what song it was but it was probably something obscure and not "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston or some Sinatra joint.
(UPDATE: I am informed it was "I'll Come Running" by Brian Eno. That's a nice song.)
That's "Life Aquatic" playing in the background there because "NxNW" ran out. I forgot how much I disliked "Life Aquatic" but luckily you didn't have to pay attention to it if you didn't want to.
At this point I made sure everyone knew that I could still marry people until midnight but nobody seemed into it although my offer did cause one awkward conversation between two members of one couple about Their Relationship. Ahhhh, my work here is done. The we all sat around and talked about how shitty it would be if Tumblr went down for a whole day. No, I'm shitting you. We didn't talk about that. We talked about other things. Like other films de Wes Anderson and Modern Air Travel and the like. Anything you talk about is fun after 6 or 8 glasses of wine.
At that point, people were talking about where to go after but The Wife and I were pretty tired because marrying people takes a lot out of you so we just took a cab home.
It was one of the best weddings I've ever been to. Everybody there was totally cool and nice and S&J are one of those excellent couples that make you think "Man, they're a better couple than [me & my romantic partner]." They're going to totally last longer than Shannen Doherty and Rick Salomon.
The actual ceremony was at Stephen's store, Dusty Modern, over on 20th and South Van Ness. Everybody was standing there watching and so I just dove in and warmed up the crowd with a couple of jokes. People laughed because they didn't know what else to do. J&S wrote their won vows because they wanted to have at least one part of the ceremony that I couldn't fuck up. They did a hella good job on that part. But I needed them to wrap it up because I had more good material written.
Anyway, I pronounced them Husband & Wife and whatnot and then we had champagne and then we all (like about 60 of us) tromped on over to Foreign Cinema for food and more booze. Luckily they made arrangements ahead of time but I thought it might be a hoot to walk up to the hostess stand and say "Yeah, we got about 65. How soon can you seat us?" Alas, that opportunity never presented itself.
The reception thing was in this big private room at Foreign Cinema where they were projecting "North by Northwest" on one wall and then everyone had to Google and find out who the female lead is, and SPOILER ALERT it's Eva Marie Saint. Anyway, the food was really good and then everyone gave toasts and I think I did too but I don't remember what I said because I was pretty lit by that point.
I think this is the first dance or something. I don't remember what song it was but it was probably something obscure and not "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston or some Sinatra joint.
(UPDATE: I am informed it was "I'll Come Running" by Brian Eno. That's a nice song.)
That's "Life Aquatic" playing in the background there because "NxNW" ran out. I forgot how much I disliked "Life Aquatic" but luckily you didn't have to pay attention to it if you didn't want to.
At this point I made sure everyone knew that I could still marry people until midnight but nobody seemed into it although my offer did cause one awkward conversation between two members of one couple about Their Relationship. Ahhhh, my work here is done. The we all sat around and talked about how shitty it would be if Tumblr went down for a whole day. No, I'm shitting you. We didn't talk about that. We talked about other things. Like other films de Wes Anderson and Modern Air Travel and the like. Anything you talk about is fun after 6 or 8 glasses of wine.
At that point, people were talking about where to go after but The Wife and I were pretty tired because marrying people takes a lot out of you so we just took a cab home.
It was one of the best weddings I've ever been to. Everybody there was totally cool and nice and S&J are one of those excellent couples that make you think "Man, they're a better couple than [me & my romantic partner]." They're going to totally last longer than Shannen Doherty and Rick Salomon.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Happy Friday! The zombies and eggheads edition.
FIRST ZOMBIES
Did you guys watch the premiere of The Walking Dead on AMC? Since our lives are temporarily Draper-less, AMC wants us to fill that sad and gaping void in our souls with zombies. The basic premise is that a guy wakes up and there are zombies. I really don't need to explain it any more.
BUT OK, here's my thing. In one scene, The Main Guy (who's apparently a British actor and whose American accent is wonderfully fungible, flitting without a care from the Midwest to the South and back again) has met some of the Other Survivors and they are attempting to explain to him what's going on and what those creepy shuffling people outside are.
SO HERE'S THE THING: I realized that people in zombie movies or shows don't have any independent knowledge of zombie movies!!! So there's no frame of reference for them! Like, if you and me woke up in a newly zombified America (INSERT POST-ELECTION JOKE HERE HAR HAR HAR) and we found a Survivor and said "What the fuck's going on?" they could just say "Oh, it's zombies," and we'd be all "OHHHHHH, gotcha, that sucks, pass me a gun and a baseball bat. Are they fast zombies or slow zombies? Head shot do the trick on them or is there some other bullshit rule?"
But the people in zombie movies have never seen a zombie movie, so it doesn't work. In their universe, there was never a "28 Days Later" or even a "Shawn of the Dead." So some poor fuck has to explain the whole thing to them from scratch. Sucks to be you.
(AMUSING SIDE NOTE: How great would it have been if "28 Days Later" had been a sequel to the Sandra Bullock rehab story "28 Days"? And you had, like, zombie Sandra Bullock shuffling around going "BRAAAAIINS," and "I COULD UUUUUUSE A DRIIIIIINK." Anyway.)
Oh, shit! I just realized the Brit in charge of "Walking Dead" is that guy from "Love, Actually"! Another crossover potential! "Zombie Love, Actually"!
SECOND EGGHEADS
OK, since I'm a white male in a coastal city with a postgraduate degree, I listen to this podcast called the "Slate Culture Gabfest" in which other overeducated white people suck all the fun out of popular culture. Here's an example from a couple of weeks back. See if you can guess what the egghead is talking about:
Give up? He's talking about "Jackass 3-D." Yes, the movie where a guy gets shot up into the sky in a Porta-Pottie full of shit. I don't know what "Rabelaisian" is, so maybe "Jackass 3-D" really is Rabelaisian, I don't know, but fuck, do we have to grad-seminar everything? Can't anything just be stupid and meaningless? Let's continue:
No, you silly goof, this is not the "dominant mode of American thinking and feeling." I'm not even that cynical. If you're basing your view of what the DMOATAF is on box office receipts, then the DMOATAF is wanting to be a 12-foot-tall blue creature who flies around on a pterodactyl and where everything looks like you're shrooming.
It's entertainment. I mean, I don't personally find it entertaining, but it's probably healthier to watch than public executions or bear-baiting or any of the other really fucked-up shit people used to watch for entertainment. I wouldn't freak out. There's a huge box office for uplifting and educational shit too.
That's what happens when you overthink everything. Eggheads.
Have a good weekend, everybody!
Did you guys watch the premiere of The Walking Dead on AMC? Since our lives are temporarily Draper-less, AMC wants us to fill that sad and gaping void in our souls with zombies. The basic premise is that a guy wakes up and there are zombies. I really don't need to explain it any more.
BUT OK, here's my thing. In one scene, The Main Guy (who's apparently a British actor and whose American accent is wonderfully fungible, flitting without a care from the Midwest to the South and back again) has met some of the Other Survivors and they are attempting to explain to him what's going on and what those creepy shuffling people outside are.
SO HERE'S THE THING: I realized that people in zombie movies or shows don't have any independent knowledge of zombie movies!!! So there's no frame of reference for them! Like, if you and me woke up in a newly zombified America (INSERT POST-ELECTION JOKE HERE HAR HAR HAR) and we found a Survivor and said "What the fuck's going on?" they could just say "Oh, it's zombies," and we'd be all "OHHHHHH, gotcha, that sucks, pass me a gun and a baseball bat. Are they fast zombies or slow zombies? Head shot do the trick on them or is there some other bullshit rule?"
But the people in zombie movies have never seen a zombie movie, so it doesn't work. In their universe, there was never a "28 Days Later" or even a "Shawn of the Dead." So some poor fuck has to explain the whole thing to them from scratch. Sucks to be you.
(AMUSING SIDE NOTE: How great would it have been if "28 Days Later" had been a sequel to the Sandra Bullock rehab story "28 Days"? And you had, like, zombie Sandra Bullock shuffling around going "BRAAAAIINS," and "I COULD UUUUUUSE A DRIIIIIINK." Anyway.)
Oh, shit! I just realized the Brit in charge of "Walking Dead" is that guy from "Love, Actually"! Another crossover potential! "Zombie Love, Actually"!
SECOND EGGHEADS
OK, since I'm a white male in a coastal city with a postgraduate degree, I listen to this podcast called the "Slate Culture Gabfest" in which other overeducated white people suck all the fun out of popular culture. Here's an example from a couple of weeks back. See if you can guess what the egghead is talking about:
Well, let me begin by saying I think there are two pretty obvious reactions to have to [this thing]. The first is, in a weird way, the most obvious one, I think, in this day and age, is to have a kind of “Oh, it’s Rabelaisian, it’s, you know, it’s Howard Stern meets skater punk meets Rabelais meet de Sade meets Buñuel,” like a kind of, you know, the high-low mish-mash that every critic alive . . . likes to employ as a way of patting themselves on the back for their postmodern eclecticism. And the other obvious response is the Rome-is-burning response. And I found myself having incoherently and somewhat frenetically toggling back and forth between those two responses.
Give up? He's talking about "Jackass 3-D." Yes, the movie where a guy gets shot up into the sky in a Porta-Pottie full of shit. I don't know what "Rabelaisian" is, so maybe "Jackass 3-D" really is Rabelaisian, I don't know, but fuck, do we have to grad-seminar everything? Can't anything just be stupid and meaningless? Let's continue:
Another way of looking at it is sometimes Rome does burn, and there is something profoundly disturbing about how this is not – if this is on the margins of a culture, I think there’s kind of a celebratory vitality to it that one can participate in. When it moves to the very center of the culture, you then have to start thinking about what it’s displacing and what it means and what it means that these people are approaching middle age. . . . We can stop talking about – as if there’s some horrible nanny figure, a Mr. Chips figure, that’s the dominant mode of American thinking and feeling that’s somehow being flouted here. This is the dominant mode of American thinking and feeling. I think it demands being regarded seriously.
No, you silly goof, this is not the "dominant mode of American thinking and feeling." I'm not even that cynical. If you're basing your view of what the DMOATAF is on box office receipts, then the DMOATAF is wanting to be a 12-foot-tall blue creature who flies around on a pterodactyl and where everything looks like you're shrooming.
It's entertainment. I mean, I don't personally find it entertaining, but it's probably healthier to watch than public executions or bear-baiting or any of the other really fucked-up shit people used to watch for entertainment. I wouldn't freak out. There's a huge box office for uplifting and educational shit too.
That's what happens when you overthink everything. Eggheads.
Have a good weekend, everybody!
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