Today's Top 5

1. Sorry I Missed Your Party

Thanks to Squid Pro Quo for planting this little gem in her links list or I never would have known about it. Hilarious.

2. He Who Shall Not Be Named

You know who I'm talking about. He made this week WINNING, but I'm already sick of his quotes pasted on New Yorker cartoons and kittens. He has done the Full Cycle faster than anyone in human history, from the 36-hour porn party to an article entitled "Three Ways of Looking at Charlie Sheen" in record time.

(That article, humorously, contains such sentences as "He exists in what one might call a 'problem space' that is singular, novel and largely incommunicable.")

3. This:

“Martha’s cheerful kitchen, accented with bowls of fresh fruit and stainless steel appliances, has a motherfucking human skull sitting on a scale.”

Prison changes a person.

(Courtesy Roboshark, hman, and God knows who else, I can't trace Tumblr links back that far.)

4. Lundberg Santa Fe Barbeque Rice Chips



They're gluten-free. Like I could give a shit.

5. Ask A Man With A Russian Accent Trying To Convince You To Go To An Ecstasy Party

Dear Man With A Russian Accent Trying To Convince You To Go To An Ecstasy Party,

My next-door neighbor has something of an in-house menagerie. Between his three dogs and several tropical birds, things can get pretty noisy. I very much believe in "live and let live," but sometimes late at night and early in the morning, the squawking and barking can just get to be too much. What is a firm but neighborly way to let him know that his pets are causing me distress?

—Going Wild In Washington

Dear Going Wild,

Look, what is problem? You meet me, you meet Sergei, we are all friends now. Wait, hang on…please! Another drink for my new friend! Anyway, like I say, is one hour maximum drive only. I take you in my car, no problem. Is BMW five-series. We take pills on way, you feel very, very good when we arrive. Like on fire, but nice. You know? Vanya is also my friend, he is very good DJ. He is spinning best house music and we will dance all night. Best music, best pills, best girls, best champagne, everything the best. We go now, okay?

Better older/better younger

Last night I watched "Heathers" with The Wife because she'd never seen it (partly at least, I suppose, because she's 10 years younger than me) and you know what? It wasn't nearly as good as I remembered. I guess some movies are best watched stoned with 8 other people in a dorm room. A lot of what I took for edgy and alternative at the time now seems sadly dated and forced. She didn't like it much either. I guess "Heathers" doesn't stand up so well.

Anyway, that made me start thinking. What's better when you get older? What's worse?

Better when you get older

1. Food and wine (the things, not the magazine)

When you're really, really young, you think creamed celery is pretty much the bomb. Then you have an annoying I'll-only-eat-white-food phase. Then McDonald's seems like the Best Fucking Thing Ever. Then what, college cafeteria food? Bitch please. You have no idea how to eat until you build up a palate that comes from years of experimentation. (Some people longer than others, obvs.) Same thing with wine. You don't even like wine when you first start drinking. Then you think Turning Leaf is basically Stag's Leap on sale. It takes a long time to figure out what good is.

[DISCLAIMER: This doesn't apply if you're some Richie Rich who grew up in Atherton and went to the Dining Room at the Ritz-Carlton on Tuesday nights like it wasn't no thang. If so, I hate you/am jealous.]

2. Your parents

Those nagging sacks of flesh that use to exist solely to drive you batshit insane slowly morph into Intelligent Adults with Thoughts and Feelings. Sometimes they even say something rational or sensical. Not often, but once in a while.

3. Sex

Remember how hard it was to learn to drive a stick? And the first time you tried in the parking lot somewhere you kept stalling and stalling and you could never make the car go? And now you don't even think about it and you can flow through the gears like a professional driver without even thinking about it? And because you have the basics down so pat, you could basically do everything without thinking about it and be able to play with the radio or even fix your hair while you're driving.

Now, I wouldn't drive for 3 hours around town in a stick anymore, but that first hour is still fun.

4. New York City

You know what makes New York City fun? MONEY. You know what you don't have when you're young? MONEY.

[Again, if you're some trust fund kid who grew up on the Upper East Side or whatever, more power to you. I'm talking generally here.]

5. Baseball

There is something about the casual rhythm of baseball that appeals to me more the older I get. When you're young, your sugar-addled, gnat-like attention span gets frustrated if something doesn't happen every 3 seconds. Now that I'm a little older, I appreciate the break.

Better when you're younger

1. Drugs

Yayyyyyy! Let's stay up for 3 days! Stroking your hair and blissing out to Happy Mondays is SO MUCH FUN. Best of all, I can stay up until 3 am shrooming and then go to work the next day!

2. Law & Order

The repetition is somehow lulling and calming. It is a replacement for the gentle cycles of childhood. Instead of Nap Time, it's Misleading Suspect Time. Instead of Snack Time, it's Courtroom Scene Time. Only as you get older do you realize that watching a show in which every episode is essentially the same gets a little unsatisfying.

3. Picking up chicks

When you get a little older, you'll learn that it's not as much fun. Especially getting them to take the candy and get into the van. JOKING. JOKING.

4. House parties

Younger: OMG SO MUCH FUN 3 kegs drinking all night tons of people who's that who woke up in the bathtub LOL there's someone passed out on the kitchen floor

Older: Who are these people in my house? Is that guy opening my 1989 Pichon-Baron and pouring it into a plastic cup?

5. Football

Something about football doesn't appeal to me as much as when I was younger. I'm theorizing there's a thing where baseball gets better and football gets worse the older you get. I don't know why.

Top 5 Things The Wife and I Say to Each Other While Watching Top Chef (Any Iteration)

1. "That guy is such a prick."

2. "Bourdain sure likes himself, doesn't he?"

3. "I would eat the shit out of that."

4. "That looks disgusting."

5. "Oh, Gail. Poor Gail."

So now we have "Top Chef All-Stars," which isn't really All-Stars because none of the actual winners of past seasons are on, just contestants who did well and didn't win. I guess "Top Chef All-Stars" sounds better than "Top Chef Runners-Up." Whatever, I'll watch it. Every season now I think "I've had it with Top Chef, I'm not watching this season," and as soon as I see the first Quickfire Challenge I'm hooked.

Plus, The Wife has a thing for Colicchio (who is known, colloquially, in our house as "Coleek").

(But in all seriousness, we ate at his place Craft in NYC and I shit you not, it was one of the best meals I've ever had. Don't even get me started on the little individual copper kettles of potato gratin.)

(Oh, that brings up the time that I missed my chance to introduce myself to Dave Matthews. He was eating at Craft at the same time we were and then we went outside at the same time and I was waiting for The Wife, who was inside going to the restroom or something and Dave Matthews was talking to his manager or lackey or whatever the guy was and asked him for a cigarette and the flunky didn't have one and I happened to have a whole pack and I was thinking "Man, I should offer Dave Matthews a cigarette" but I didn't and so he didn't get cancer and continues to inflict his "music" on dopey fratboys everywhere.)

Plus, since "Sons of Anarchy" ended I needed to pick up a new show anyway.

Today's Top 5: Fast Food Restaurants in San Francisco

Come on, Mr. and Ms. Sustainably Raised Arugula and Organically Butchered Heirloom Pig. You know that you have Secret and Dark Cravings just like the rest of us, and when that happens, you clandestinely sneak down to the McDonald's that's 2 neighborhoods over so no one sees you and you order the #3 and eat it there in the restaurant while reading the USA Today someone left behind and hoping no one sees you. I'm on to you. And you know what? THAT'S COOL. No one can live on Day Boat Sea Scallops or heirloom tomato consommé all the time. Sometimes you need a Double Double, stat. I won't tell if you don't.

5. Arby's, Lakeshore Plaza, 1581 Sloat

There is something about the way the spray cheese melts over the Beef 'n Cheddar that is just magical, a perfect balance of flavor and texture, cushioned in a pillowy onion roll. Plus, you have to love the fact that Lakeshore Plaza is one big Chain-a-thon, a rare sight indeed in San Francisco. They've got a Petco, a UPS Store, a Supercuts, a Big 5, a Radio Shack. It's like being somewhere else in the country! There's even a military recruitment center! What is this place! Anyway, Arby's is the bomb.

4. KFC/Taco Bell, Guerrero and Duboce

You guys, when I found out you could mix and match the KFC and Taco Bell items it felt like I had learned something really important. Like you can get a 1-piece breast meal AND a Taco Supreme. Plus, proximity to Zeitgeist! I mean, come on! I just wish SF had a Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell (WARNING: Do not click on link if you plan on having something else in your head for the rest of the day).

3. Jack in the Box, Geary and 10th

You know what's great about Jack? He never sticks. He's always coming up with some new shizz. Like, you may go "I love the Sourdough Jack, but what else you got?" and Jack's all "WHY DON'T YOU TRY A CHICKEN FAJITA PITA MOTHERFUCKER" and you're all "Holy shit, that is a good fucking idea." Not that you would ever do that, though, because the Sourdough Jack is fucking nuts. I've never been to the Union Square location but the one on Geary and 10th is righteous every once in a while. You can sit up front and watch all the dorks going in and out of Lamps Plus.

2. In-N-Out Burger, Fisherman's Wharf

I knew if I didn't put In-N-Out on here peeps would FREAK OUT and be all "WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU PUT IN-N-OUT ON THERE" so calm down, here it is. I don't know, In-N-Out's OK, but not worth the mad hype it gets all the time. Plus, the last time I ate there (in Daly City, not at the Fish-Whar), the fries were totally underdone. Nevertheless, if you want a solid burger surrounded by smelly Germans and thugged-out kids from Modesto, this is your place.

1. McDonald's, Haight and Stanyan

Let's start out with 2 assumptions: (1) McDonald's is rock solid, and generally you can't go wrong there, and (2) the food at every McDonald's is about the same. So it really comes down to location. The McDonald's at Haight and Stanyan is awesome because it's close to Amoeba and it plays host to a constant revolving parade of serious freakshow humanity. You got your hippies, your crazies, your gutter punks, your retirees, your normals, your truck drivers, your speed freaks, your stoners who have to go to McDonald's because they're stoned, your tourists, and you. It's kind of the iconic San Francisco fast food restaurant. That's why it's Number 1.

RIP Wendy, who decamped from her last SF location on Market a few years ago. We miss you, Wendy.

Also, SF needs a Krystal, a Chick-Fil-A, and Bojangles. That would rule.

Today's Top 5

1. Bernal Heights Park

When you get a dog, your park focus changes from "Can I drink there without getting hassled?" to "Can I let my dog off-leash there?" Bernal Heights park (or maybe it's just called "Bernal Hill," I don't know) is kind of an ideal off-leash park. There's a long paved road (with no cars) that winds around the hill, and because it's steep on both sides, dogs tend to just stay on the road and not wander off. Bonus for the incredible views. The picture in the title box of this blog was taken from there. I go like twice a weekend now. BHP rules.

2. Hipster Puppies

I don't know who writes this, but it's spot-on, a perfect mix of skewering hipster pretention and zOMG KYOOT PUPPIES!!11!11! Like so:



clara is always first to change the subject to politics, but gets 90% of her information from gawker and the daily show

[photo via jennifer c]

In a disturbing development, there haven't been any new posts since Friday 3/5. DON'T YOU DIE ON ME, HIPSTER PUPPIES!

3. Califone, "All My Friends Are Funeral Singers"

Great album. Here's a taste:



4. Jessica and Stephen finally moved to SF.

From Berkeley. It usually goes the other way! Now they can pay too much for a small apartment and get parking tickets and wait in line for the Bi-Rite Creamery and have a homeless man spit on them and stumble home from the Latin American Club and make fun of the people in Dolores Park and start a photoblog and go to an underground dinner party and get hit on by a drunk girl at the Dyke March like the rest of us.

5. Cheese.

Padma Lakshmi is 38!

Damn! I hope I look that good when I'm 38. Again.

And she has a semi-nude painting of herself over her bed in her NYC apartment!!!

And a swing in her living room!

I need to lie down.

Today's Top 5: Guilty Pleasures

1. White Castle frozen cheeseburgers

I live far, far away from the nearest Krystal, which is basically White Castle with a Southern accent, and sometimes I get a powerful craving for those little square burgers. Sometimes I address this craving with a 4 6-pack of White Castle frozen cheeseburgers, which is kind of like addressing a craving for cigarettes by watching "Mad Men." It's frustrating and makes you want the real thing. Nevertheless, sometimes they're satisfying in an Oh-My-God-I-know-this-is-terrible-but-what-the-fuck-I'm-hungover kind of way.


2. To Catch a Predator

Here's some advice for all you middle-aged men out there: The 13-year-old chick you're chatting with on AOL is not a 13-year-old chick. It's some dude who works for Chris Hansen and pretty soon instead of having a Mike's Hard Lemonade in some little girl's hot tub while her parents are "out of town," Chris Hansen is going to be asking you why don't you just have a seat right over there and you're going to be explaining why you brought condoms with you when all you wanted to do was talk to her about how dangerous the Internet is.

3. Santigold

Yeah, it's not as bad as liking, say, the Jonas Brothers or Jack Johnson, but Santigold just seems like something a teenaged girl would like and then there's the pesky issue of those Bud Light Lime commercials. But no matter. Still fun, catchy pop songs, just like nature intended. My gloomy indie rock isn't going anywhere.

4. Big Brother


I know, I know, believe me, I know. Even by the extraordinarily low standards of reality shows, Big Brother is a bottom-feeder. Alternatively boring and horrifying, I have no explanation for why I watch this.


5. TMZ (the TV show)

Look! There's Christian Slater waiting for the valet! Look, it's Jerry O'Connell coming out of The Standard! Why am I watching this? Because they're famous!!! Utterly and proudly devoid of any actual content or meaning, this dopey, lovable show features a faux-command-center full of empty-headed celebrity chasers detailing their latest finds to Chief Culture Destroyer Harvey Levin, followed by video. Hypnotic.

Today's Top 5

1. Jonathan Sanchez' amazing motherfucking unbelievable no-hitter

So improbable. You know how amazing this is? It's like if you were born in 1982 in Puerto Rico and went to Ohio Dominican University in Columbus and pitched four no-hitters there and then got drafted in 2004 by the Giants and eventually made the club and looked pretty good and then fucked up and got demoted down to the bullpen but then Randy Johnson got hurt and so you got to pitch and you just happened to pull a fucking no-hitter out of the bag. If all that happened, that would be like what happened to Jonathan Sanchez on Friday night.

2. I'm wearing an "I Survived Ikea on a Sunday" t-shirt.

Oh, Billy bookcase. You're worth it.

Sadly as it you might have secretly suspected, Ikea is evil like Wal-Mart. Fuck, can't anything be guilt-free these days?

3. Drinking on Sunday

Underrated.

4. Steaks on the grill

Shout out to my boys at Drewes Bros. for the top-notch flank and hangar steak. 4-6 minutes a side, perfect.

5. Treasure Island lineup announced

We've got the Flaming Lips, Decemberists, Beirut, Grizzly Bear, Yo La Tengo, The Walkmen, Bob Mould, and others. Not bad, but probably not as good as last year (Vampire Weekend! Okkervil River! Spiritualized! Fleet Foxes!). The more electronica day looks pretty good, too, but I'm not going to that, which suck because I'll miss The Streets but whatever. Shit's expensive.

Top 5: Things I did this weekend

1. Ate at Basil Canteen

Super Hot Irish Girlfriend treated me at this newish Thai place on Folsom and 11th Friday and it was DFL! I had the pad kee mao, which too often comes out as a clump of chewy noodles with some veggies and meat thrown on top. The noodles at BC were cooked perfectly, light and delicious, with thinly-sliced, perfectly seasoned steak. SHIG's noodle soup was also good.

But you know I couldn't get out without a complaint, right? Here goes. It was FUCKING FREEZING in there. Turn on some heat, people!

2. Drinks at Bloodhound Friday night after dinner

When we first got here on Friday, it was pretty packed, which was worrisome, but it seemed like it was the tail end of some kind of company happy hour and emptied out a little as our group coalesced around one of the tables in front.

3. Took the dog for a walk at Crissy Field

Leland's still got this thing where he'll charge up to other dogs to be all "Hey, I'm a fucking tough guy, you know that? So I'm just letting you know ahead of time not to fuck with me, k?" And it usually works, but on Saturday this HUGE white dog started giving it right back to him and chasing him around and basically not leaving him alone. SERVES YOU RIGHT, RIGHT? He stopped running up to other dogs after that. Such is the way you learn.

4. Saw the Watchmen movie at the Sundance Kabuki

Damn, I'm going to see movies here from now on. Reserving your seats ahead of time! Extra big chairs and lots of legroom! And you can drink during the movie up in the balcony! Fuck yeah!

The movie was OK, I guess. I'm not really a comic book guy or anything but I liked it better than I thought I would. It's fucking long, though.

5. Takeout from Hahn's Hibachi

Beef/chicken BBQ combo. DON'T MIND IF I DO.

Top 5: New Year's Resolutions

I’m not really a resolutions kind of guy. I’ve never made any before, so I’ve never had to keep any. In fact, these aren’t really resolutions, per se. They’re more vague goals that I will write down in the hope that writing them down will motivate me to actually do them.

1. See at least one live music show a month

In 2006, I think I went to about 25 to 30 shows. In 2007, it was about 15. Last year, I think I maybe went to 8, if that. That’s lame. I love seeing live music and there’s no way I’m playing the “I’m getting older” card, so I hereby resolve to see at least 12 shows in 2009. One per month.

2. Learn how to make wine at home

This is going to be my new hobby. I’m not trying to make knockoff Opus One in my kitchen or anything; I just thought it would be a cool project. I’ll keep you posted.

3. Try to be more cool and patient

You may not have picked this up about me, but I can be wound a little tight at times. I'm sort of constantly cursing other people under my breath for real and perceived slights against me, like (1) standing there blocking the door of the BART train looking around instead of just fucking walking into it; (2) standing to the left on escalators, when everybody knows it's stand right, walk left; (3) taking too long at the ATM; (4) turning without using a turn signal; (5) you get the point.

So I'm going to try to calm down a little and take things more in stride instead of mentally screaming "YOU FAT FUCK!!! MOVE THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!! I KNOW YOU'RE MORBIDLY OBESE, BUT YOU SURE WON'T GET ANOTHER DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER JUST STANDING THERE IN FRONT OF ME!!!" Calm blue ocean. Calm blue ocean. Namaste.

4. Shoot up smack with a Thai hooker in the back room of a secret members-only bar in the Tenderloin

Wait, that was a 2006 resolution. Sorry.

5. Exercise more / eat better

Top 5: Meals this year

Thanks to my meticulous recordkeeping system, I am able to tell you that the very first meal I ate in 2008 was at 2223 Restaurant for brunch, on New Year's Day. I failed to record what I had, except for noting the 2 greyhounds I drank.

After that, I went on to eat at some 74 different restaurants this year. These were the best:

1. Spruce

Phenomenal food. As I said at the time, the best piece of pork I've ever eaten. The country club crowd is kind of a drag, but when the food's this good, fuck 'em.

2. Incanto

Chef Chris Cosentino has gotten all kinds of international acclaim, and it's not hard to see why. The food was great, but the best part was the couple at the table next to us.

3. Range

Yeah, it's as good as everyone says. I had a perfectly cooked hangar steak that I don't see on the current menu, but hopefully will make a comeback.

4. The Riverbank Bar

In the Absolute Hotel, Limerick, Ireland. Maybe not the best food I had, but the combination of some very good fish and chips with an expertly poured Guinness eaten at the bar overlooking the Abbey River made for a wonderful meal.

5. Firefly

This unassuming neighborhood spot tucked into a back corner of Noe Valley turns out consistently satisfying, reasonably priced food. Always a treat.

Honorable mention: Mission Beach Cafe, Terra (great food, terrible service), Fresca, Doggie Diner (because, really, nothing's as good as a hot dog at a baseball game), Panchita's #3.

Happy Friday, everybody! Super Hot Irish Girlfriend is currently at her company Christmas party. The festivities begin at 10 a.m. with mimosas and it goes downhill from there. I wouldn't be surprised if she gets a touch of the Alcohol Poisoning I hear has been going around.

Top 5: This past weekend edition

1. Yesterday we took Leland to Stern Grove with our friend Aimee and a couple of other dogs. She's a professional dog trainer/walker person, so she was helping us out with some tips.

He did good around the other dogs, mostly. Little nervous, but I guess if you're a 15-pound chihuahua/terrier mix and a 60-pound lab comes barreling up to you at top speed, you'd have reason to be a little skittish. Overall, he did really well, though.

Here's what we found out: we should only be feeding him once a day and also we're not squealing "GOOD BOY!!!! GOOD BOY!!!!!" nearly enough.

2. I made pot roast from this recipe yesterday in the crock pot. I know, how June Cleaver is that? Anyway, it was really pretty good, and now I have like 2 pounds of leftover meat to eat on for the rest of the week.

3. In case you hadn't noticed, Vanderbilt is now bowl-eligible for the first time since 1982. Congrats, Vandy!

4. It's kind of a cop-out to say the weather, but c'mon, it was in the high 70's/low 80's all weekend? I mean, really.

5. Joel Gott sauvignon blanc. Citrusy! On sale at Safewizzle for $9.

Today's Top 5

1. Who are the undecided voters?

Paste eaters, nitwits, tiger petters, people who lose arguments to babies.



2. Mad Men

Season 2 is even better. Amazing, but true.

3. I'm going to Portland next weekend

For a wedding. If not for the skinheads, the crank, and the soul-crushing constant rain, Portland would be a pretty great place to live.

4. Hey, at least I'm not retiring for another 25 years.

Maybe by then my IRA will be back to where it was this time last year.

5. Vanderbilt football

When are you going to get sick of me talking about this? If they win tomorrow, prepare to become very, very sick indeed.

Happy Friday, everyone! Whatever you do, don't forget the Lit Crawl tomorrow. Basically, everywhere you go in the Mission there'll be writers drinking and reading their stuff. Writers drinking! What a shock!

40 going on 28 recommends

1. Mad Men

If you didn’t watch this brilliantly-conceived series on AMC last year, you missed something. Recently thrust into the spotlight by virtue of a boatload of Emmy nominations, this stylish, if glacially-paced, series that’s facially about advertising in the early 60’s but is really about the roles we adopt to deal with each other, is not to be missed. The new season debuts Sunday night at 10 p.m.

2. Popchips

Oh, Popchips, how do you do it? How can you be so fucking delicious and have only half the fat that regular chips have? How can you be so light and crunchy with all natural ingredients? What vile sorcery created thee? I will never leave you, Popchips. Even if they start selling Munchos in my area again.

3. Trident Xtra Care Peppermint




Gum has gotten really complicated. There used to be Juicy Fruit and Doublemint and Super Bubble. Then there was Dentyne and Trident. Now choosing a gum is like picking a wine at Bacar. There’s like hundreds of choices. I was on Orbit for a while, then Eclipse. I dabbled a little with Dentyne Ice, but I still hadn’t found a suitable gum of choice. Then I found Trident Xtra Care Peppermint. Assertive mint flavor without being overbearing, and easy to chew. It comes in an attractive gum wallet that goes effortlessly from office to lounge. A good all-purpose gum.

4. Drunk History

At first I thought, “Why didn’t I think of that?” Then I thought, “No way I would have thought of that, but I’m glad somebody did.” The filmmakers tape a real person recounting a historical event while really drunk. They then get actors (including some fairly well-known ones) to follow the narration and film the whole thing. The results are sometimes hilarious. This is my fave. It’s almost 6 minutes long, but calm your Internet-fried mind that loses interest after 43 seconds and just watch it.

5. John Bowker

If you're looking for a Giants player to like, here's your man. Homered in his first two games as a Giant. Currently third in RBIs among NL rookies. Hustles every game. Subject of a serious crush by Super Hot Irish Girlfriend. May or may not have a girlfriend. Is not on the Valparaiso City Council. John Bowker.

Today's Top 5

1. A Voyage Long and Strange, by Tony Horwitz

Horwitz is a great writer. This book began with Horwitz idly wondering what happened in America between Columbus in 1492 and Plymouth in 1620. As it turns out, a lot happened. The Spanish made it as far inland as Arkansas and Tennessee in the South and established the first permanent city in the New World, St. Augustine. Rather than just recounting the history, Horwitz personally follows the explorers' routes, talking up the people who live there now. It's a fascinating book.

2. Giants beat As 1-0 on Saturday.

Sure, the 11-1 asskicking on Sunday was fun, but wow, that game on Saturday was a classic. Timmy Lincecum just pitched his heart out and Brian Wilson - who leads the league in saves - of course made it exciting and put a man on before getting the save. Great game.

3. Long weekend

How great is it that July 4 is a Friday this year? Pretty fucking great, that's how great. I'll be out at the ballyard on Friday watching the G's lose to the Dodgers, in case you're wondering. Then I'll watch some red and blue smudges through the inevitable fog.

4. The Southern Exposure at Alembic.

Delicious.

5. Spain over Germany 1-0 in the Euro final.

Great match. I picked a winner.

Honorable mention: My band's playing Tuesday night. Email me if you want deets.

Today's Top 5

1. Tim Lincecum

The finest 14-year-old to ever play for the Giants, Lincecum's already having a monster year and it's only May. He's 5-1 with a 1.61 ERA so far, and it's an absolute pleasure to watch him pitch.

2. Locked Up Abroad

Horrifying. If you really want to get your nerves tweaked, find the National Geographic Channel somewhere on your cable and check this shit out.

The title is pretty self-explanatory, but here's what basically happens in every episode: A couple of kids (usually British, for some reason) are on some extended vacation and are low on money and don't know what to do. They meet someone who offers to give them thousands and thousands of pounds or Euros or whatever to take a few ounces of marijuana from some place to another. Now, instead of going "Wait, something doesn't seem right about this," they agree to do it and then when they pick up the stuff it's actually 50 pounds of cocaine and then it's too late to back out.

The harrowing part is that you know they get caught (or else the title would be "Successfully Smuggling Drugs Abroad," right?) but the show is so well-done that you can feel the tension and the nervousness as the re-enactment shows them going through security, etc., etc.

Then there's about 10 minutes at the end where they talk about how shitty it is to be in prison in Mexico or wherever, but that's actually the least interesting part. Check it out.

3. I know this is lame, but can this be right? It's going to be 81 fucking degrees in SF on Thursday? Hey, check out Wednesday. 77! I'm going to the game that night, so maybe it won't feel like we're at Ice Station Zebra.

4. Mad Dog in the Fog

We've been coming here after band practice on Saturday nights lately. I like it because it's never that crowded, they pour a really good Guinness, and the bartender who works Saturday nights is totally cool and fun and put the Marked Men on just because we were talking about them.

5. The Babyshambles

It's a shame that Pete Doherty is far better known for doing more drugs than Motley Crue and banging Kate Moss than his music, because his band is really good. I was a huge Libertines fan, but I figured that Doherty was never going to do anything good again after that. Babyshambles isn't on the same level - not much is - but still worth a listen.

Today's Top 5: San Francisco Bars

YMMV. I’m excluding places where I typically see live music, because I’m there to see the band, not to be at the bar itself. If I were doing music venues, you’d see Café du Nord, the Independent, and 12 Galaxies.

ANYWAY, here goes. If you’ve got other faves that I haven’t included, post ‘em in the comments. And remember, this is purely subjective.

1. Zeitgeist

The clear winner. Not just my favorite bar; maybe one of my favorite places on Earth. There’s just something great about a nice Saturday afternoon, a pitcher of beer, and a few friends at a picnic table in the backyard at Zeitgeist. The semi-forced intimacy with the people around you also produces a friendly vibe conducive to meeting people unlike anywhere else in the city. I want my ashes sprinkled here after I die. Not by the Porta-Potties, pls.

2. Hemlock


This one’s another no-brainer for me. Sure, it gets jam-packed with hipsters on weekend nights, but it’s got a great feel and a cool layout. (I realize there’s live music here, but it’s in a separate room with its own admission, so I’m not counting it as a music venue.) The glassed-in smoking room is a major bonus, since you don’t have to freeze your ass off outside to have a smoke. Also: hot peanuts in the shell.

3. Tosca

Since I lived in North Beach for a few years, I became intimately familiar with the many and varied bars of the area. There are some clubs on Broadway that turn over every few years, but I’ve never been a club person anyway. Shock, I know. Then there are the bars that have been there since before your Dad had a fake I.D. This is one of those places. From the bartenders wearing white jackets to the opera on the jukebox, there’s something classic and old-school about this place that just feels right. You can have your thumpa-thumpa clubs around the corner. I’ll have a 7&7, sit at the bar, and watch the people behind me in the mirror.

4. Alembic

Then there are new bars that feel like they’ve been around for a long time. The Upper Haight has historically never been a good bar area. Sure, you’ve got your Gold Canes and your Kezar Pubs and your Martin Macks, but you wouldn’t take a cab across town to go to any of those places (well, unless you were meeting your dealer at Gold Cane). So Alembic really was a breath of fresh air when it opened a few years ago. With a bar constructed of wood scavengened from the old Kezar Stadium, a menu of really interesting drinks along with 70 or 80 different whiskeys and beers from Magnolia Brewing, this place was more or less instantly crowded from the day it opened. Nevertheless, it’s worth a special trip. The only complaint I have is that the service an be distractingly slow when it’s busy, but they’re individually muddling St. John’s Wort or whatever, so just cool your jets, because they’re doing a bit more than uncapping a Coors Light.

5. Elixir

There’s nothing really remarkable about Elixir. They do have an extensive cocktail menu, and the owner (or operator or something), H. Joseph Ehrmann, is known for being at the forefront of the recent cocktail resurgence, but I rarely see anyone in this place ordering a specialty cocktail. Rather, it’s just a good, comfortable, neighborhoody bar. I’m not sure why I like it so much, but every time I come here I enjoy myself, so I guess that counts for something.

Today's Top 5

1. I'm going to Ireland

Just got tickets today. $858 (!!!) on Aer Lingus. Of course, that's like 58 Euros. But still, last time we went (in 2005) it was $470 roundtrip. Thanks for fucking up the economy along with everything else, W! You've done a great job here.

Anyway, in a few weeks Super Hot Irish Girlfriend and I will be winging our way back to her homeland. Hopefully the food has gotten better in the last 3 years. I keed! I keed! Not really.

2. Brunch yesterday at Le Zinc

S.H.I.G. and I had a delightful brunch yesterday at Le Zinc on 24th. There was like an hour wait for the outdoor tables so we just camped out inside. Sunday paper, coffee, omelette, bacon, all good. And $30 for two isn't bad at all.

3. Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Very funny. Worth seeing. In the Apatow oeuvre, I thought "Knocked up" and "Superbad" were funny, but I didn't like "The 40 Year Old Virgin" all that much. I haven't seen "Talladega Nights" and "Anchorman" because I have a visceral, deep-seated loathing for Will Ferrell. Anyway, I laughed a lot during this movie.

4. 30 Rock

If you're not watching this show, you're missing the funniest comedy on TV. It's more manic and inspired than "The Office," which would probably be the only serious competition. The jokes don't land 100% of the time, but when they do, they really, really do.

5. Saturday

How great was Saturday? It was absolutely beautiful here in SF, I went to Zeitgeist at 11 p.m. and it was still pretty nice out and best of all, not too crowded, and the Giants showed some pluck in coming back from 10-5 to make it 10-9 in the 9th. Yeah, I know they lost, but it still looked like a team that could come back from being down a few runs, which I didn't think they'd be able to do.

Then Zito pitched on Sunday and holy fuck, what are we going to do about that? It's like buying a Lamborghini and finding out that it has a Ford Escort engine in it. They better fucking figure something out soon.

Today's Top 5

1. Your San Francisco Giants

Hey, guess what? They’re not in last place. Right this second, anyway, the Dodgers are. That’s not going to last, but still.

Maybe they’re not as bad as we thought, though. They won the series against the Cards, who aren’t exactly pushovers, and there’s some reason to be hopeful. John Bowker’s hitting .364 with 3 home runs, Tim Lincecum’s 3-0 with a 1.57 ERA, and even bad old Tyler Walker’s not looking too terrible these days. Playoffs? Not a chance. Fun to watch? Sometimes. Hey, I’ll take it.

2. Valley of the Moon pinot blanc

After freezing our asses off at Zeitgeist yesterday, we went to Andalu for dinner. The food was pretty meh, but this wine was really good.

Here we are on your way from Zeitgeist to Andalu. That's me, second from the left. We already had to eat all our dogs.

3. The shuffle I got on the way to work this morning

Sometimes you just get a really good shuffle. Here was mine:

“Stacks O’ Money” / Eagles of Death Metal / Peace Love Death Metal
“Don’t Buy the Realistic” / Spoon / Soft Effects (EP)
“Don’t Let Me Down” / The Beatles / 1967-1970
“Rise or Fall” / Black Rebel Motorcycle Club / Take Them On, On Your Own
“Golden Blunders” / The Posies / Dear 23
“Lovely, Just Like Her” / Irving / Death in the Garden, Blood on the Flowers
“Stay Home” / The Marked Men / Fix My Brain

Swear to God, the Marked Men. After I just saw them on Saturday. Pretty amazing coincidence, considering I have 2900 songs on my iPod.

4. BART

I take BART to work every day. Usually take Muni home. The contrast is startling. The BART trains arrive on – get this – schedule, and the trip from my stop to my work stop is about 5 minutes. BART just works. I wish it went everywhere in SF. In all fairness to Muni, BART doesn't have to contend with double-parked idiots blocking the tracks and that kind of thing, but I don't think I'd stir up a hornet's nest of controversy by suggesting that Muni has some room to improve.

5. It’s supposed to warm up later this week

God, I hope so.

Today's Top 5: Top 5 Muni lines

1. The F Market

Down Market Street, the F goes from the Castro to the Embarcadero, where it takes a left and goes up to the Wharf. Going along the Embarcadero is great enough, but the gravy here is that the F runs restored streetcars from other cities. So you might find yourself on a classic car from New Orleans or Boston. It’s a great line.

2. The 39-Coit

Sure, it only runs in about an 8-by-12 block area, but it’s a phenomenal 8 by 12 blocks. The 39 goes down Powell in North Beach and hits North Point and Beach at the Wharf, but the money shot is the trip straight up to Coit Tower and some of the best views in San Francisco.


3. The N Judah

I have a strong sentimental attachment to the N Judah, as it was my home line from ’91 to ’97 and then again from ’04 to ’07. Rush hours are packed with mostly 20-and-30-somethings commuting from shared apartments in the Haight to their Fisher Price My First Grownup Jobs downtown, but you also get street kids, old Asian women with crinkly bags, hippies, and every other slice of San Francisco life. An indispensible line.


Awesome picture, huh? The caption is "Mayor Rolph pilots the first N-Judah car, October 21, 1928."


4. The 22-Fillmore

The only line here to be immortalized in a song, as far as I know (“You looked like you were sleeping/Waiting days for the 22,” from the late, great Beulah’s “Lay Low for the Letdown”), the 22, like many of us, leads a double or triple life. It starts in the Marina, where it might get spray-tanned and have a latte, shoots up over Pacific Heights, drops into the Fillmore, then stops for beers and crack in the Lower Haight before moving on to the Inner Mission, where it takes a hard left and heads for Potrero Hill and then Dogpatch, which will be the neighborhood in 2012, mark my words.

5. The Powell-Hyde cable car

Be honest, when’s the last time you rode on a cable car? C’mon, don’t be such a stick in the mud. They’re fun! Don’t be a sucker and wait at the turnaround at Powell & Market with all the Germans and the street hustlers. If you have a Fast Pass, go a couple blocks up Powell and jump on when that thing slows down. Then enjoy the ride up Nob Hill, over to Russian Hill, and then vertiginously dropping straight down Hyde. Seriously, it’ll make you feel 10 years old again.