Trouble

Apropos of nothing, I was thinking about bar fights the other day.

Maybe I'm just lucky, but I've managed to mostly avoid bar fights (or fights in general) during my many dissolute years of bar-going. Honestly, that shit is stupid and I fail to understand why someone looking at your girl would provoke a violent outrage, but I guess some assholes just want to get into fights and need an excuse.

I can only think of a handful of times when I've even been close to getting in a fight, like:

- A couple of weeks after I made the catastrophically bad decision to move to Santa Cruz, one of the Worst Places on Earth, I was playing pool in this dive called the 1007 Club. I hadn't noticed that more people had come in and someone had written his name on the chalkboard to play next game. I started to put quarters in and the guy totally got in my face and was screaming about how he was next and I was like "Fine, whatever, you're next." Looking back now, I realize that he was probably tweaked out of his fucking gourd on meth, like 90% of everyone between the ages of 19 and 29 in that Godforsaken shithole.

- One weekend afternoon I was hanging out at the Columbus Cafe with my ex-wife and drinking and playing the jukebox and shit and this little angry Scotsman started hitting on her right in front of me. He offered to buy her a drink and I said "It's cool, I've got her drinks" and he FUCKING FLIPPED OUT and told me to come outside to settle this and I was like "No, I think I'll pass" and then the bartender kicked him out. The bartender told us the guy works on a ship and comes in whenever they dock in SF and gets into fights.

(Knowing what I know now, I should have let him buy her the drink, then jumped up and pointed and said "A-HA!!! NOW SHE'S YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM!!!" and run out.)

Other times I've been on the periphery of big fights that have started and spilled out into the street. Whatever, that shit is boring.

UPDATE: Humorously, between the time when I first wrote this and now, when I'm about to post it, I have learned that Famous Teen Mom Bristol Palin almost got herself into a bar fight recently:

Bristol Palin was riding the mechanical bull at a Hollywood bar in front of a throng of paparazzi and reality TV cameras, when a rude drunk yelled, "Your mother's a whore!" Bristol marched up to the man, jutted out her new chin, and got into a heated confrontation:

Man: She [your mother] is evil.
Bristol: You want her dead?
Man: You know what, if there is a hell, and I don't think there is one, she will be there.
Bristol: OK, why is that?
Man: She's evil. She's evil.
Bristol: Is it because you're a homosexual?
Man: Pretty much!
Bristol: And that's why you hate her?
Man: And why do you say I'm a homosexual?
Bristol: Because I can tell you are.

On the way out she gets into a fight with another pair of angry drunks, including one who yells, "White trash Wasilla!" and "You fucking bitch!" as Bristol and friends storm out of the bar.

"Is it because you're a homosexual"? Who the fuck talks like that? Although, I gotta say, it's probably a drag when you're out for your usual night on the town being followed by a camera crew and wearing an ugly sweatshirt that says "Empowered" on the front with a Lightning Bolt Cross and some stranger says "Your mother's evil." I guess that would suck.

(This all happened at Saddle Ranch, right? That place blows.)

Also, the year "Titanic" won Best Picture, "Boogie Nights" wasn't even nominated

I learned yesterday that local alternative newsweekly/predatory ad pricer SF Weekly has something called the "SF Weekly Web Awards." I learned this because everyone in my Twitter feed perked up around the same time yesterday with "OMG I'M NOMINATED FOR AN SF WEEKLY WEB AWARD VOTE FOR ME LOL KTHXBAI"



I was not nominated for an SF Weekly Web Award. Oh great! It's like being picked next to last for kickball in 5th grade all over again.



Let's take a look and see what these awards are all about.



They're broken down into general areas like "News," "Music," "Food," "Art," and the like. Fair enough. Certainly seems reasonable to vote for "Best Local Politics Blogger" or "Best Food Vendor Twitter." I have some issues with "Best Yelper," in that it implies that there can be a "best" in Yelping, but we'll leave that convo for another day and also I don't want to get dragged in to the whole Yelp thing.



(BRIEF DIGRESSION: Before I moved to SF, I had been a music writer for the local alt-weekly in the mid-level City From Whence I Came. So when I got here, I packaged up my clips [there were actual "clips" back then, in the sense that they were on newsprint and clipped with a scissor from the pages of an alt-weekly] and sent them in to SF Weekly with a cover letter offering my not-inconsiderable skills as a music writer. I never heard back. IT STILL BURNS, SF WEEKLY. STILL BURNS.)



(ANOTHER BRIEF DIGRESSION: I can't hold a grudge, though, because SF Weekly published, for years, in the mid-90's, a comic strip by then-unknown [or maybe slightly-known] Dave Eggers and some other guy [Leon? I can't remember] called "Smarter Feller" that was hilarious and is also now impossible to find online. SF Weekly, if you're reading this, do you have all the Smarter Fellers cached somewhere secret that I can access? Do tell.)



So blah blah blah we get past "Best Fashion Blogger" and "Best Local Music Website" that you'd expect in any online voting thing like whatever YAWN seen it a million times, vote for "Bay Bridged" and move on, and then we get to "Only in SF," and this is where I'm thinking SCORE, I GOTTA BE HERE.



I'm not here.



Again, there are the usual boring "Best Local Government Site" (like, really, who gives a shit, no joke) and "Best Neighborhood Blog" (which is fair enough, that's reasonable, although you didn't nominate Civic Center and that kinda sucks) and then this:







"Best Tumblog"? WTF, SF Weekly? Does anyone ever use the term "Tumblog"? I think people just say "Tumblr." Anyway, you know that Tumblr is a blogging platform and not a genre, right? It's like having a Pulitzer Prize category for "Best Word 97 Document." Why isn't there a category for "Best WordPress" or "Best Blogspot"?



(That being said, there are two on that list - Kate's and Jane's - that I read regularly and like a lot. IT AIN'T PERSONAL, GIRLS. THIS DON'T INVOLVE YOU. JUST KEEP ON WALKIN.)



Anyway. Here are some categories you missed, SF Weekly, and my suggested nominee in each:



BEST SUTRO TOWER TIMELAPSE/LOCAL HISTORICAL MAP BLOG



Burrito Justice



(Seriously, though, if you have a local web awards and you haven't nominated Burrito Justice for something, you have gone wrong. It's like having Celebrity Rehab without Steven Adler. It's just not done.)



BEST VERY ANGRY DOLORES PARK COVERAGE



Uptown Almanac



BEST MOSTLY CORRECTLY SPELLED SOMETIMES ANGRY BLOG BY A FRIEND OF MINE



Periqueblend



MOST RIDICULOUSLY USER-UNFRIENDLY LOCAL INSTITUTION WEBSITE



The San Francisco Public Library



(Humorously, as I try it right now, it's not opening at all. CONGRATULATIONS, SFPL.ORG, YOU'VE MANAGED TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO BLOW EVEN HARDER!!)



I guess it's possible that I wasn't going to get nominated no matter what. I mean, unless there a category for "Angriest Post-Hipster Alcoholic," I don't know where I'd fit in.



ANYWAY, no hard feelings, SF Weekly, and I'll still come to the party and drink your free booze. Can I bring a +1?

The creeping problem of ISWNOCHFS

Found on Twitter earlier today:





Oh, please. Get over yourself. This is a prime example of what I call the If Something's Wrong No One Can Have Fun Syndrome (ISWNOCHFS). You see this kind of thing pretty regularly. Like "There are babies starving and you're still watching Toddlers and Tiaras" or "How can Adam Sandler keep making movies when the world is like this?" Actually that last one is kinda true and I do wish Adam Sandler would stop making movies.



BUT ANYWAY. Point being that this scold above would have you be ashamed for watching Jersey Shore (as long as you're in the "western world," apparently. If you're in Japan or Soouth Africa, enjoy Jersey Shore at your leisure! You're fine!) because there are Problems in the World and watching Jersey Shore doesn't help.



Let's take a look at some different possible outcomes:



Millions watch Jersey Shore ----------> Syria nightmare

No one watches Jersey Shore ---------> Syria nightmare





Millions watch Jersey Shore ----------> Economy in shambles



You and your stupid brother

watch Jersey Shore; no one

else watches Jersey Shore ------------> Economy in shambles



Your cat and Eric Cantor

watch Jersey Shore while

eating In N Out burgers --------------> Economy in shambles; cat and Eric Cantor happy



You see? The number of people and/or animals and/or members of Congress who watch or don't watch Jersey Shore has exactly zero impact on whether or not the World's Crises are ameliorated in any way. The real point of this kind of faux-shaming technique is to say "Look at me! I'm so superior that I would never deign to watch that crap, especially when there are World Crises for me to be Very Upset about! Shame on you for pursuing such a lowbrow entertainment whilst I monitor the BBC feed 24/7!"



THIS IS NOT TO SAY, of course, that we shouldn't all be appropriately concerned about riots in London and the DJIA falling 600 points and starvation in Somalia. OF COURSE you should care about those things. But watching Jersey Shore isn't really going to affect them one way or another. So don't be ashamed. Well, you should be a little ashamed, but just because you're watching Jersey Shore in the fourth season. It all went downhill after Season 1. Duh.

This is a partial list of things that unaccountably enrage me and probably shouldn't

1. People who take up 2 parking spaces

2. Perfectly able people who push the handicapped door opener button and then stand there and let the doors majestically swing open like they're the Queen of England

3. Recycling poachers

4. People who yell into their cell phones

5. People who chatter away obliviously on cell phones while they're blocking an aisle in the grocery store or blocking the sidewalk or something

6. Pretty much anyone talking on a cell phone in public, ever. Text, you bastards, text.

7. People who walk more than two abreast on a sidewalk. BONUS: They're walking slowly. DOUBLE BONUS: They're walking four abreast and all talking on cell phones.

8. iTunes

9. "There is a new version of iTunes available. Would you like to download?" Hey Apple, how about saving up the changes and just releasing a new version once every six months, instead of every other day?

10. The bagger at Safeway yesterday who put my bread at the bottom of the bag

11. Fox Sports

The Debra Saunders Leap of Logic Watch

Sometimes I feel like I need to start a different blog just to deal with the inanities Debra Saunders spews forth on a regular basis. I will call it something like "Oh, Debra Saunders" or "You Are Such a Fucking Idiot, Debra Saunders" or "Debra Saunders is Wrong Again" or something like that but I would have to do every single column (with certain exceptions) and I don't have the time.

(The exceptions are that she and I are both opposed to draconian drug sentences, so I guess we can agree on one thing.)

Yesterday's column - "Obama tries to obstruct executions" - promised a bombshell! You mean the President of the United States is trying to keep individual states from enforcing the death penalty within their borders? WOW.

Except there is nothing in the story like that. Here's how it starts:

President Obama well may have begun another undeclared war - this time on states that try to enforce their own death penalty laws - on the dubious grounds that the Food and Drug Administration has not approved drugs intended to kill convicted killers.

Oh, hold on a second. "Well may have begun"? What the fuck does that mean? Did Obama begin a war on states trying to enforce their own death penalty laws? MAYBE! Does Debra Saunders drink childrens' blood from a chalice made from a piece of the True Cross? MAYBE!

Here's the evidence:

On March 15, the Drug Enforcement Administration seized Georgia's supply of sodium thiopental, the first drug given under the three-drug lethal injection protocol used in most of the country's 34 death-penalty states. The DEA also asked Kentucky and Tennessee for their sodium thiopental to aid its investigation. Why? The DEA referred me to the Department of Justice, which sent an e-mail declining to comment. News reports indicate that the feds had concerns that the drugs were imported improperly.

A-HA!!! That Bad Old Obama must have called up the FDA and told them not to let anyone have sodium thiopental, right? Because he secretly hates the death penalty, right?

Wait, what's this? "FDA helped two states get scarce execution drug"?

The Food and Drug Administration, which has long maintained that it has nothing to do with drugs used in executions, has quietly helped Arizona and California obtain a scarce type of anesthetic so the states could continue putting inmates to death.

The shortage of sodium thiopental has disrupted executions around the country. But newly released documents show the FDA helped import it from Britain.

Huh, so maybe the FDA was just doing its job with the shipment in Georgia, and meanwhile was actively helping other states get the drug. I guess Obama forgot to call the FDA when they were busy helping Arizona and California get the same thing.

The point is, when your worldview is that everything the president does is wrong and evil, you see all kinds of conspiracies where none exist. Never mind that Obama supports the death penalty. Why let facts like that get in the way when you can construct a fictional account of Obama somehow reaching down from the White House to stop executions in Georgia because he's secretly against the death penalty, I suppose, just like he's secretly a Muslim and secretly whatever else you want to ascribe to him.

If you object to the FDA's concerns about the importation of lethal injection drugs, that's fine. State your objections and the factual basis for them and move on. But for God's sake, Debra, no need to invent conspiracies that you can't support with actual facts. You "may well have" to stop listening to your Lizard Creature Overlords if they're feeding you this shit.

The Early Season Report

Nobody liked The Mystery of the Sad Bike? Man, you people are cold fucking automatons.

Anyway. Went to my first Giants game of the year last night. Got a couple of thoughts on that topic:

1. Fucking ENOUGH with the World Series We Are the Champions Yay Look at Us Let's Cheer for Us Again World Series World Series shit. I KNOW it's a big deal. I've been a Giants fan for 20 years. But really, you know that expression "Act like you've been there before?"[*] That's actually kind of spot-on. I mean, you don't see the Yankees - or even the fucking Marlins, for that matter - wearing caps and jerseys with fucking GOLD LETTERING on them when they present their WS rings in a FIVE-HOUR ONFIELD CEREMONY which includes Carlos from the Doggie Diner behind section 128 getting a ring and Duane Kuiper babbling incoherently and crying and Lou Seal borne aloft by a Choir of Angels while the organ player kicks in with Ave Maria, do you? No, you don't. OK. WE WON. NOW LET'S GET ON WITH THIS SEASON WHICH, IF YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, ISN'T GOING SO SWIMMINGLY.

[*] In case you don't know, it means that when you achieve a goal, typically in an athletic event, such as scoring a touchdown or, in this case, winning a championship, there is a school of thought that teaches that one should affect a sort of blasé mien, as if to announce to the world "Achieving this means very little to me, because I often achieve my goals, so I will refrain from jumping around and behaving like a 5-year-old who just won a stuffed zebra at the county fair and instead will walk away with a studied calmness." This is highly regarded and shows that you are a Winner who is Used to Winning and not some yokel who accidentally pushed the right button and fell ass-backwards into a victory. This school of thought is summed up by the phrase "Act like you've been there before."

2. That being said, I like the fact that Lou Seal is wearing a big pimp-style WS ring.

You think Lou Seal doesn't get mad tail? (Photo courtesy of, inevitably, Lou Seal's Facebook page.)

3. Oh yeah, there was a game being played, the less said about the better. It was around the time that Pat Burrell charged the ball and it went past him like he was a bloated copier salesman at a company BBQ that I decided defense may be an issue for this team.

4. Also: for all the hue and cry about not beating up on Dodger fans in the wake of the horrible beatdown in LA last week, nothing really happened that I saw. Well, before the game, there was one guy wearing Dodgers gear and another guy walking behind him wearing Giants gear kept yelling, inexplicably, "The Botox section is back here! Go back to the Botox section!" I guess, because people in LA use Botox? Or something? If that's the best heckle we've got, we need to convene a Heckle Roundtable and brainstorm this shit.

5. Cold? FUCKING FREEZING.

6. Ended up a 6-1 loss. Bumgarner gave up, like, 20 consecutive hits in the 5th but finished the inning and then CAME TO BAT because you CANNOT SACRIFICE BUMGARNER'S BAT. Seriously, he's one of the best hitters on the team. I'm not joking.

Things that infuriated me today

1. Tickets for TV on the Radio at The Independent went on sale at noon today. (Well, actually they went on sale a few days ago if you have an American Express card. I'm a normal person and don't have one so I had to wait until today.) At 12:00:01 I clicked "Purchase tickets" and it was ALREADY FUCKING SOLD OUT. FUCK YOU SCALPERS I HOPE YOU ALL DROWN IN A TUB OF HUMAN FECES AND VOMIT.

2. My ongoing War with United Airlines has now escalated, because today they told me I am NOT, in fact, getting the refund that they promised they would give me. I WILL NOT REST UNTIL UNITED AIRLINES IS BANKRUPTED AND THEIR CHAIRMAN IS FORCED TO HANDWASH EVERY URINAL AT CHICAGO-O'HARE. Anyway, now my credit card company is involved. This is not over, United Airlines. I shall see to it that you are destroyed, your offices razed to the ground, and the land where they were is sown with salt so nothing ever grows there again.

3. I'm not at the Giants' home opener. I am going Monday, though.

4. Not really THAT infuriating but my dog is undergoing dental treatment right now and I am embarrassed to say how much it is costing us for our dog to have a shiny white smile that will knock the ladeez out.

5. What, what, WHAT is it about the restaurant industry that makes EVERY GODDAM RESTAURANT think I want music to autoplay when I go to their fucking website? Is there just one web designer for the entire restaurant industry and he or she just fucking loves autoplaying shitty lounge music? Why don't, say, auto dealers or local news sites autoplay music instead of restaurants? Just fucking cut it out. You have GOT to believe us when we say: WE DO NOT WANT MUSIC TO AUTOPLAY WHEN WE COME TO YOUR WEBSITE.

There was something else but I forgot.

OK, I feel better now! Maybe writing a blog is therapeutic. I hope you have a good weekend! The Wife and The Chick Who's Visiting Us from Ireland are going to the Wiener Nationals tomorrow. What a world.

Are the Top 3 songs in America destroying our nation's youth? An investigation.

Listening to my local right-wing radio station the other day, as is my want, I was alarmed to hear that (1) "gangsta rap" is probably responsible for the nation's decline, and it's a wonder that "anyone graduates from community college, let alone real college," and (2) that the top 3 songs in the US right now are so filthy they "can't even be played on the radio."

INTEREST PIQUED.

Now, normally my relationship with any music on the Billboard Top 10 is like the US's relationship with Central America: I'm vaguely aware of it, but I certainly don't want to interact with it in any way. Thus, having no idea what songs might be the Top 3 in America right now, I set off to find them and hopefully enjoy some disgusting, perverted lyrics.

DISAPPOINTMENT FOLLOWED.

The #1 song in America right now, according to the Billboard Hot 100, is "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga. I think I knew this was a song, but I've never heard it before, so I listened to it. It's kind of a terrible ripoff of "Express Yourself," by Madonna, but if you think this is so filthy it can't be played on the radio, you probably think Cap'n Crunch commercials are debased, sickening documents of a declining civilization. I think it's about gay animals accepting themselves ("It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital H-I-M/Just put your paws up/'Cause you were born this way, baby"), and if you have a problem with gay animals, you spend too much time alone.

NEXT: "Fuck You" by Cee Lo. OK, you're right about this one. Are they playing the "Forget You" version on the radio? Cause if they are, (1) that's lame, and (2) IN YOUR FACE, Right-Wing Radio Person! Also, I love this song.

NUMBA THREE: Something called "E.T." by Katy Perry. Also never heard this, so I checked it out. Apart from being SO AWFUL IT'S DIFFICULT TO LISTEN TO, I don't hear anything that would preclude it from being on the radio. Even with the memorably terrible lyric "Infect me with your love." Ewwww pass.

Oh wait, I think I see what's going on here - there's a version of the song with Kanye rapping and I guess parts of that are pretty filthy. I mean, if you think "I'm trying to bathe my ape in your Milky Way" is filthy and not just WEIRD.

(Also, this is so precious: Some YouTube commenter says "cant we all just keep our thoughts to ourselves and enjoy this song?" FIRST TIME ON THE INTERNET HUH?)

Results: Inconclusive.

This blog post is at Threat Level Heather Grey

EXHALE. FINALLY. We are no longer at THREAT LEVEL ORANGE:

Starting Thursday, the Homeland Security Department will begin phasing out the nation's color-coded terror-threat system, ending it entirely by April 27, officials tell the Associated Press. The five-tiered warnings were created after the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks. The "national threat level" has not changed since 2006 -- yellow, or "elevated," the middle rating. For all domestic and international flights, it has been one level up at orange, or "high."

Well, thank God for that. I know I've been in a state of TOTAL PANIC AND FEAR since we went to Threat Level Orange in 2006. Oh, wait, it was yellow. Unless you're flying. Then it's Orange. Unless it's Delta. Then it's Red. Just kidding. I've been in a state of total panic and fear my whole life. The threat of being blowed up was a nice break in the day for me.

The whole Threat Level thing now seems like such an artifact from the Early Aughts when we were busy buying duct tape and plastci sheeting and alerting the authorities anytime someone in a turban was in front of us in line at BK. It was obviously part of the government's hamhanded attempts to keep us in abject terror all the time. It worked on some people! They're just watching Glenn Beck now.

Wait, I had another point to make. What was it. Oh, right, it's this: There is absolutely, without a doubt, going to be another terrorist attack in our lifetimes. That's because (1) there are terrorists, and (2) they're crazy and want to be on the news. Also, our foreign policy increases the risk of terrorism. Oh, that was stupid! ANYWAY, point being, there's no way to be 100% safe from terrorist attack, even though that's what we expect of our government and what we impliedly hope we're getting by subjecting ourselve to the ridiculous Security Theater at the airport and whatnot. Hell, you're more likely to die by falling than die in a terrorist attack.

So what are we replacing our Threat Level Peach system with? Obviously, we won't want to scare people or anything, right? Right?

The Obama administration plans to replace the widely mocked color-coded terror warnings with a simpler, two-tier system: “imminent threat” or “elevated threat,” with more detailed information.

Oh, that's just fucking great. Now we have two choices: "Elevated Threat" and "You Are All Going to Die So Say Goodbye to Your Loved Ones Right Now." Much better.

FREE RICKY

I fucking love Ricky Gervais.



So it appears some people are really mad at Ricky Gervais about how mean he was to the Important Celebrities last night and now they won't let him host the Golden Globes again. Before Ricky Gervais hosted the Golden Globes, it never crossed my mind to watch it. If they can him, I can't think of any reason to watch it again. He makes the fucking show.

Rumor on the street is that he's already been fired; his reps say, winningly, that that's "rubbish." I hope it's not true.

Today in NIMBY: Opera singer will now be allowed to utterly destroy quality of life, children's dreams in North Beach

God, I hate people sometimes. OK, all the time, but who I hate at any particular time changes.

There's this Italian restaurant called Colosseo on Columbus Ave. in North Beach. I know, what are the odds? Anyway, it must be fairly new because it wasn't there when I lived in North Beach. Oh shit, I moved out of NB in 2004, so maybe it's not so new. Tempus fugit, etc.

For those of you outside the 415/510/650/707 area codes, North Beach is the faux-"Italian" neighborhood in SF. At one point, many years ago, it was actually an Italian neighborhood but now it's just the Italian restaurants and a few other remnants.

There's a big hill called Telegraph Hill that probably had something to do with telegraphs at some point that rises over NB. I used to live right on top of that hill, at Vallejo and Montgomery. There is a neighborhood group called the Telegraph Hill Dwellers who are the villains of this piece and to whom we will return shortly.

OK SO, Colosseo had a quaint idea! They will import the uninomial "LUCA," who, we are told, is a "highly trained opera singer," and LUCA will "serenade customers while they dine." BUON GIORNO LUCA!!! How quaint. Tourists will clasp their hands to their chests and go "This is a uniquely San Francisco moment." I love it! Bring LUCA on!

Did you think it was going to be that E-Z? You funny. It seems that LUCA would be accompanied by "a small speaker system that will provide orchestral backing."

Uh-oh.

This small speaker system caused the politically powerful Tel Hill Dwellers (henceforth "THD") to lift their dragon-shaped heads from the primordial muck in which they rest, shake off their slumber, and cast a jaundiced eye on LUCA and his boom box. Take it away, Chron!

Representatives from the Telegraph Hill Dwellers did not return multiple calls and e-mails seeking comment. The group has successfully stalled a number of projects in San Francisco, including a plan to build a 430-foot condo tower near the Transamerica Pyramid and the redevelopment of the Pagoda Palace Theater, vacant since 1994.

In comments to the city's Planning Department, the group suggested that it was concerned giving the restaurant a permit for amplified sound could allow the owners, or a future owner, to turn the property into a dance club or concert venue.

That's right. Instead of singing "Non più andrai" from Marriage of Figaro, THD fears that LUCA will sing "Back That Azz Up" from Juvenile's justly-praised "400 Degreez." MUCH AS WE MAY WANT THAT, it is unlikely to occur.

LUCA performing. (As conceptualized by THD.)

Now, a complete review of THD's activities over the years is well beyond the scope of this piece, but let me just say this: You look like idiots.

Luckily, the Planning Commission, FOR ONCE, didn't bow and scrape and now LUCA will be free to sing to the delight of a Couple from Grand Rapids and their bored 13-year-old.

Moral of the story? Now matter how innocuous, how charming, how utterly perfect an idea you have that will bring Joy to the Hearts of Many or maybe Cure the Cancer or whatever, SOMEBODY in this town is going to be against it. In this case it happens to be THD, and they have a history of doing this kind of thing, but it happens all the time. I'm not advocating tearing down Postcard Row and replacing it with a Jiffy Lube and a Rite Aid, but I mean, really, COME ON, when you complain about a guy singing opera with a boom box in a restaurant on a busy street around the corner from a two-block-long Ed Hardy nightmare of strip clubs and vodka-and-Red-Bull bars, you really are crying wolf. Go back to stopping libraries or something.

Live! Nude! Girls! At your local airport.

Text from The Sister:

HOLY FUCK. You should get to sfo like hours before your flight. The security line is so long there is a holding area to wait in to even get in the line.

Ever since the post-9/11 TSA security theater dance began, I've been wondering what it would take for the American people to finally say "Enough." I figured it would take a lot, because, on the whole, we're pretty much willing to accept anything if you affix an American flag to it and say it's for "national security." I'm pretty convinced that if a couple of guys in military uniform showed up to most people's houses and said they had to search the whole house because they were looking for terrorists, people would go "OK, go ahead!"

But maybe we've finally found the outer limits of what people will put up with. The new full-body scanners (or, if you prefer, "porno-scanners") that show, erm, pretty much everything, have finally got people upset. (Or, if you prefer, you can get a full-body patdown - now including free labial touching!!)

I guess this was occasioned by the "Underwear Bomber," the guy who, as the name implies, tried to blow up a Northwest flight over Detroit with a bomb in his underwear.

(SIDE NOTE - Wouldn't it suck to be the Underwear Bomber in prison? Like, you'd be out in the exercise yard, and Ted Kaczynski comes over and he's all "Hey, I'm the Unabomber" and Terry Nichols is all "What up, I'm one of the Oklahoma City bombers," and you go "Oh, hey guys, I'm the Underwear Bomber" and they look at each other and start snickering and go "Underwear Bomber, huh? What did you do, eat the enchilada platter after drinking all night? That'll bomb some motherfucking underwear, for sure!" And you go "No, for reals! I could have blown up a plane!" But they're already laughing and now even the Shoe Bomber is pointing and laughing at you.)

Remember after the Shoe Bomber, when we had to start taking our shoes off every time we wanted to get on a plane? Now we basically have to make a sex tape or get felt up by a guy with a GED and a French blue shirt just to get to O'Hare. If the next bomber packs 20 grams of C-4 into his rectum, I AM DONE WITH FLYING FOREVER.

ANYWAY. I don't know how this is gonna shake out, but it's nice to know there's one thing that World Net Daily and Salon.com can agree on. THIS FUCKING SUCKS. I get to fly next week, yay.

Happy Friday! The zombies and eggheads edition.

FIRST ZOMBIES

Did you guys watch the premiere of The Walking Dead on AMC? Since our lives are temporarily Draper-less, AMC wants us to fill that sad and gaping void in our souls with zombies. The basic premise is that a guy wakes up and there are zombies. I really don't need to explain it any more.

BUT OK, here's my thing. In one scene, The Main Guy (who's apparently a British actor and whose American accent is wonderfully fungible, flitting without a care from the Midwest to the South and back again) has met some of the Other Survivors and they are attempting to explain to him what's going on and what those creepy shuffling people outside are.

SO HERE'S THE THING: I realized that people in zombie movies or shows don't have any independent knowledge of zombie movies!!! So there's no frame of reference for them! Like, if you and me woke up in a newly zombified America (INSERT POST-ELECTION JOKE HERE HAR HAR HAR) and we found a Survivor and said "What the fuck's going on?" they could just say "Oh, it's zombies," and we'd be all "OHHHHHH, gotcha, that sucks, pass me a gun and a baseball bat. Are they fast zombies or slow zombies? Head shot do the trick on them or is there some other bullshit rule?"

But the people in zombie movies have never seen a zombie movie, so it doesn't work. In their universe, there was never a "28 Days Later" or even a "Shawn of the Dead." So some poor fuck has to explain the whole thing to them from scratch. Sucks to be you.

(AMUSING SIDE NOTE: How great would it have been if "28 Days Later" had been a sequel to the Sandra Bullock rehab story "28 Days"? And you had, like, zombie Sandra Bullock shuffling around going "BRAAAAIINS," and "I COULD UUUUUUSE A DRIIIIIINK." Anyway.)

Oh, shit! I just realized the Brit in charge of "Walking Dead" is that guy from "Love, Actually"! Another crossover potential! "Zombie Love, Actually"!

SECOND EGGHEADS

OK, since I'm a white male in a coastal city with a postgraduate degree, I listen to this podcast called the "Slate Culture Gabfest" in which other overeducated white people suck all the fun out of popular culture. Here's an example from a couple of weeks back. See if you can guess what the egghead is talking about:

Well, let me begin by saying I think there are two pretty obvious reactions to have to [this thing]. The first is, in a weird way, the most obvious one, I think, in this day and age, is to have a kind of “Oh, it’s Rabelaisian, it’s, you know, it’s Howard Stern meets skater punk meets Rabelais meet de Sade meets Buñuel,” like a kind of, you know, the high-low mish-mash that every critic alive . . . likes to employ as a way of patting themselves on the back for their postmodern eclecticism. And the other obvious response is the Rome-is-burning response. And I found myself having incoherently and somewhat frenetically toggling back and forth between those two responses.

Give up? He's talking about "Jackass 3-D." Yes, the movie where a guy gets shot up into the sky in a Porta-Pottie full of shit. I don't know what "Rabelaisian" is, so maybe "Jackass 3-D" really is Rabelaisian, I don't know, but fuck, do we have to grad-seminar everything? Can't anything just be stupid and meaningless? Let's continue:

Another way of looking at it is sometimes Rome does burn, and there is something profoundly disturbing about how this is not – if this is on the margins of a culture, I think there’s kind of a celebratory vitality to it that one can participate in. When it moves to the very center of the culture, you then have to start thinking about what it’s displacing and what it means and what it means that these people are approaching middle age. . . . We can stop talking about – as if there’s some horrible nanny figure, a Mr. Chips figure, that’s the dominant mode of American thinking and feeling that’s somehow being flouted here. This is the dominant mode of American thinking and feeling. I think it demands being regarded seriously.

No, you silly goof, this is not the "dominant mode of American thinking and feeling." I'm not even that cynical. If you're basing your view of what the DMOATAF is on box office receipts, then the DMOATAF is wanting to be a 12-foot-tall blue creature who flies around on a pterodactyl and where everything looks like you're shrooming.

It's entertainment. I mean, I don't personally find it entertaining, but it's probably healthier to watch than public executions or bear-baiting or any of the other really fucked-up shit people used to watch for entertainment. I wouldn't freak out. There's a huge box office for uplifting and educational shit too.

That's what happens when you overthink everything. Eggheads.

Have a good weekend, everybody!

On the very odd case of Alvin Greene

I don't know if you've been following this unbelievably weird Alvin Greene Senate campaign in South Carolina, but the nutshell is that an unemployed, not very articulate guy somehow got on the ballot and won the Democratic primary without campaigning at all and therefore won the right to get annihilated by ornery oddball Jim DeMint in November. The whole thing is deserving of a book of its own which I don't have the time to write, but there's one thing about it that keeps bugging me.

You see, in addition to all the other weirdness, Candidate Greene is currently facing charges of "communicating and disseminating obscene materials," because he apparently showed a female college student some online porn in a computer lab.

Here's what I don't get: IT'S ILLEGAL IN SOUTH CAROLINA TO SHOW PORN TO A COLLEGE STUDENT?!?!! Holy fuck, it's a good thing I didn't go to college in South Carolina.

Seriously, I'm sure it's creepy if there's some guy hanging around the computer lab and he goes "Hey, check this out" and it's some streaming donkey midget porn or whatever, but the appropriate response is to kick the guy out of the computer lab, not charge him with a crime. Jesus. This is going in the "absurd overreaction" file. (And yes, I would say the same if it were the Republican candidate. Republicans just know better. They do their kink in private.)