Today in Giants/Bachelorette News

WORLDS COLLIDING. Take it away, Us Magazine:

Bachelorette contestant Ben Flajnik may not have earned Ashley Hebert's final rose, but that doesn't mean he's sworn off dating forever.



In fact, a source tells Us Weekly the 28-year-old winemaker went out for drinks with Jennifer Love Hewitt last week in San Francisco. "She began pursuing him right after the finale aired," a source tells Us of the Can't Hardly Wait actress, 32.

Incidentally, isn't "Us Magazine" the weirdest name for a magazine about celebrities? They're not "us" at all! They're them!!! I think I kind of assumed that "Us" stood for "U.S.," like the United States of Celebrities or something, but I have no idea if that's right. If it's just "us," like you and me, that's fucked up.



BACK TO THE MATTER AT HAND. Ben F. from the Bachelorette going out for drinks with the winsome Jennifer Love Hewitt is only a 1-star story. IT GETS SO MUCH BETTER THOUGH.

Indeed, Hewitt hasn't been shy about showing her love for Flajnik, who placed second behind JP Rosenbaum on The Bachelorette's August 1 finale. "Omg! Ben f except my final rose!!! Gotta book a flight to Sonoma !!!:):)" Hewitt Tweeted August 2. And when the pair cozied up at San Francisco's Lion's Pub four days later, the actress was similarly smitten.



Though Flajnik initially stopped by the bar with San Francisco Giants player Cody Ross, he made a beeline for Hewitt after spotting her from across the room.

HOLD THE PHONE. So Ben just happened to be out with his boy, weak-hitting Giants outfielder Cody Ross, when he stopped by known Lower Pac Heights Dudebro Cruise Pit Lion Pub (not "Lion's Pub," but who's counting) and then just happened to espy Jennifer Love Hewitt who just happened to be trolling for spiky-haired popped-collared Chads at Lion's Pub? WHAT.



I have a few questions.



1. So when you're the second-place finisher on the Bachelorette and you're walking off the set, they just hand you phone numbers of professional athletes? Or did formerly-effective lineup-saddening Cody Ross (+ wife Summer Ross, I assume) just like the cut of Ben's jib so much that they called up the Guy Who Has Everyone's Number and say "Hey, put me in touch with Ben F. from the Bachelorette. I needs to hit up some Fruity Drink Palaces with that boy"? Is that how it works?



2. And Jennifer Love Hewitt was just hanging out at Lion Pub? What was she, just back from visiting the Party of Five house? (2311 Broadway, if you're curious. About a 10 minute walk from Lion Pub.)



3. You know what's good about Lion Pub? Here, let Jessica C. from San Mateo tell you: "I asked the Gorgeous Bartender what to order. He made me the most amazing Watermelon Vodka drink! It was crushed up watermelon and vodka. What more could you ask for." NOTHING, JESSICA C. YOU COULD ASK FOR NOTHING MORE THAN CRUSHED UP WATERMELON AND VODKA FROM A GORGEOUS BARTENDER.



4. This isn't really a question, but Jen, sweetheart, I assume you meant "accept my final rose," not "except my final rose." Either one is weird, but only the former comes close to being grammatically correct. Ugh, I just turned into a guy who corrects people's spelling on the Internet. UGH I JUST CORRECTED JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT'S SPELLING ON THE INTERNET. HIT ME IN THE FACE. I EXCEPT THIS PUNISHMENT.



Fast forward to the next day:

Hewitt seemed ecstatic the morning after. Although she didn't mention her date by name, she Tweeted Sunday: "Morning lovelys! I got lost in the most amazing sat! Just when you think u can't be surprised.... You are and it's awesome!"

SOMEBODY GOT LAID.



And apropos of nothing except this struck me as funny:

The Bachelorette: Thank God this trainwreck is over. I mean, Exciting Conclusion!

Well, it appears that we have staggered across the Finish Line alive and now we can have our Monday nights back and I have to sign up for this beer making class at SF Brewcraft because I am not sitting through the Apocalypse without beer and they only have the class on Monday nights and now I can finally go. Wow that was Super Off Topic.

Let us meet Ashley Chipmunk's family who ABC has imported to Fiji. Mom and Dad are pretty much off the shelf, but sister "Chrystie" (Yes, ugh, that's how it's spelled, like chrysalis or Chrysler Town & Country) is a fully tatted Suicide Girl and brother Something I Didn't Catch His Name just wandered in from the set of "Intervention" and is wearing like 10 lbs of shell necklaces and has furious Meth Sweats which require constant toweling off.


Sis is way hotter than Ashley Chipmunk and is clearly gunning for her own show and more on that in a sec.

Here comes JP! Mom seems to like him BUT WAIT after a little wine & maybe a pupu platter Sis and Chipmunk sit down inside and she's all "I don't think he's the one" like WHOA BITCH CHILL THE FUCK OUT. Mom's "OK with him," so what's the prob, Sailor Jerry? Oh, she thinks Chipmunk is "too much for him" like NO SHIT THANKS FOR THAT she's too much for anyone that's not on 150 mg of Ritalin a day and then Sis is all "I'm much more rational," which you don't expect from someone from the Nikki Sixx School of Beauty.

Chipmunk seeks input from Meth Sweats. He says "Whoa." I get the impression he's not the Star of the Family Show and is also maybe slightly retarded. Then Suicide Girl and JP sit down and man is she a fucking bitch. I'm sorry but there is no other way to put it. She's all "You're much older" and he should say "Bitch, I'm like 3 years older than her, it's not like Hugh Hefner and some preteen or something, FUCK" but he's actually pretty cool. Then Chip tries to reassure him on the beach but does a pretty crappy job and then I guess he swims away or something.

Let's throw Ben into the mix and see if the Painted Lady rips him a new one. The initial meeting seems OK, if a little fucking weird b/c Chipmunk forces him to do his Dog Voice and then she does her Dog Voice and you can fast forward 40 years and they're going to be the Creepy Grandparents You Don't Like to Visit. Sis and Ben sit down and she's much nicer to him! Oh, Sis lets it slip that she's been divorced. NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED. I'd hate to see what she did to that poor bastard.

Next day, Ben & Chip take the inevitable Helicopter Ride and she squeals and points and says "Island!!!!" which is correct! That is an island! Then it's off to the Healing Mud Bath and Ash is all "I feel like a kid again!" and then does her weird imitation of someone being Sexy and the whole thing is way uncomfortable.

Then there's another date with JP. I'm not gonna lie, it's kinda boring. Blah blah blah love talk and then he gives her a photo album and nothing happens. Whatever.

Let's just get to Proposal Day. As with every season, Proposal Day is punctuated by Journaling and Long Walks Staring Meaningfully at The Water.

Dear Diary, today is a very special OMG READING RAINBOW IS ON!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!

OK, time to do this thing. Wow, Ben looks like a Mormon missionary in that suit. At least JP looks like he's maybe put on a suit before. OK, here comes Ben popping out of the seaplane. They might as well have funeral music playing because it's obvious what's gonna happen here. So he gets down on one knee and she's all "Sorry!" and it's really hard and Ben says "Have a nice life together," when what he means is "Have a nice life together IN THE BURN UNIT." He gets put in an Open Boat that putters sadly towards a bleak horizon.

Here comes JP. Blah blah blah I love you so much and yes they're getting married and I kinda wish Bentley would parachute in right now with an Uzi and then he's like "PROPOSE THIS, MOTHERFUCKER" and blasts JP away and then scoops up Ashley and whoa, I don't know where that came from. Anyway, REO Speedwagon makes a couple of bucks for the first time this decade because they're playing "I Can't Fight This Feeling" over the Gauzy Montage and that's about it.

The Bachelorette: Fiji Is for Dumpers

Friends, we are finally reaching the end of our Journey and this is how the Crusaders probably felt, only if they were crusading for the Most Boring Stupid Pointless Thing in the World and not pieces of the True Cross or whatever. Anyway. Fiji. Ashley Chipmunk prattles on and on about how beautiful it is but it basically looks like a more rocky Hawaii to me. Lots of filler while Chippy recounts her romantic histories with the three losers we have left.

But wait! Some stranger's flip-flops and ugly fucking feet are trudging through the jungle to Shake Things Up! Apparently the producers have realized that this show is so boring it makes Masterpiece Theater look like Transformers 3 so they desperately try to inject some kind of interest or tension by bringing back that fucking loser Ryan who apparently has no bottom limit for debasement or humiliation and so he arrives and grovels and begs her to give him one more chance and you know what, producers? You fucking suck. You really do. This is the best you can do? Fuck.

OK, date thing with Ben F. He got a haircut and has now progressed up the ladder from Neanderthal to Cro-Magnon. They're heading out on a Drug Kingpin Yacht and Ben says he's "found himself on this journey" and finding yourself leads to both of them oiling each other up for what may be a bout of Greco-Cro-Magnon Wrestling but just ends up with snorkeling in about 18 inches of water while the music swells in the background and sadly no one drowns.

Outdoor dinner time. Ben opines that today was "hysterically perfect." I can't even begin to make sense of what that might mean. He's "on my way to the whole I love you thing." That's nice. I'm on my way to the Finishing This Whole Bottle of Wild Turkey Thing. Anyway blah blah blah they're off to the Fantasy Suite to get it on and it has its own private pool and whatnot and he carries her out of it like some Java Man Officer and a Gentleman and I guess they hit it.

Next up: Pumpkinhead Constantine. Helicopter ride, finally! Hilariously, the producers have them fly right over Ryan, who is standing on a reef and staring intently at the sea. God, I wish they have given them water balloons to drop on him. That's the only way this could get stupider. They land and do a little waterfall jumping and hidden pond swimming and then we get to Outdoor Dinner Time. Chipmunk wonders: How come you're not in love with me yet? Pumpkinhead says he's not gonna ask her to get married so might as well stop fucking around and he bolts. BOOM!!! She gets dumped again. This show should be called "The Bachelorette...GETS DUMPED" because that's all that happens. No, wait, that's a little clunky. How about The Dumperette? Bacheloserette? I'll work on it.

So the next day Chipmunk is going to take out her boiling rage by dropping by Ryan's room and re-dumping him. BOOM YOU ARE DUMPED MOTHERFUCKER HOW DOES THAT FEEL oh wait, he's crying! That's sad. He seems kinda stalky, like he might show up at her place in a few months with rope and duct tape in his Kidnapping Kit whoops I mean Truly In Love Kit. Anyway, lots of gazing at the ocean and this sad little diversion is over.

OK, time for JP date. Is there any question that this guy's not gonna win? Well, "win," I guess. If you could see me I'd be doing air quotes around "win." No, that's douchey, I wouldn't do that. Anyway, Chipmunk is wearing a tapestry from a stoner's dorm room that's she's cut into some kind of crop top. They seaplane out to some island where it's just them and a camera crew and boom mic guy and the guy with the light meter and then nothing happens. Let's cut to Outdoor Dinner in the Jungle. Chipmunk tells him about Constantine leaving and she's totally making it sound like she dumped him. He's into staying in the Fantasy Suite and she's clearly ready to bone down too. She changes into what I assume are some very sexual undergarments but she's wearing a shirt over the top of it so whatever.

Pre-Rose Ceremony Interview with Chris Harrison. She says this is going to be the "most important rose ceremony" but how the fuck is that? There are two guys and two roses. A fucking Roomba could successfully complete this Rose Ceremony. Oh, she thinks there'll be a lot of tension in seeing whether or not they Accept This Rose. Have you ever seen this fucking show before? Of course they accept the fucking rose. Jesus Christ.

Rose Ceremony. In a shocking twist, Ben F. spontaneously combusts and leaves a smoking pile of charred prominent browline and femur on the deck. Not really. Everyone accepts the rose. Let's move on.

The Bachelorette: Anybody got a Dad they can spare?

Like Ashley Chipmunk, I am also currently on a Hometown Date, except that mine consists of drinking on my Dad's back patio until 1 a.m. in 80-degree heat and hanging out with the extended family, while Ashley's consists of a painful road trip across America where she is confronted by Greek ladies asking how soon can she drop everything and move to Atlanta because they need a waitress stat.

Anyway, I knew I said I probably couldn't do the recap but last night all of us were burnt out on boozing and so we gathered around the family TV and watched Ashley make a series of semi-awkward to outright painful visits to these losers' families. Up first is Constantine, who I was really hoping lived in a tenement in Greek Town somewhere but who sadly hails from a McMansion in a featureless suburb of Atlanta. It seems that his family runs Giorgio's but that's cool because ethnic food is ethnic food, right? Pumpkinhead and Chipmunk visit the restaurant and pretend to make food and I don't think that kitchen crew is Greek unless Greece has relocated to Oaxaca. Then we get on to the Family Portion and Mom immediately puts the screws on Chipmunk to relocate and then Dad offers that she has a "gorgeous personality" which is Greek for "I'd hit it" and then clearly at the urging of the producers they have a My Big Fat Greek Reality Show moment and do that circular dance around the dining room and then Dad makes it rain and throws money in the air like he's some old Greek 50 Cent and the whole thing is just sort of sad.

Next we're going to visit the factory where Ames was assembled! Oh, I mean Chadd's Ford, Pennsylvania, which is so white it makes "Leave It to Beaver" look like "The Wire." Ames's "family" look like leftovers from an 80's movie about preppies and his sister has a sixhead just like him and tells Chipmunk how "romantic" he is and, what, did you two used to date? Where's Dad, anyway? Oh, we find out Dad died. Then Stepdad died. This is very sad but also I hope someone looked at Ames for the Dad Murders of Chadd's Ford. Ames needs to prove that he's not gay, so natch he takes Ashley to the "most beautiful garden I know," GREAT JOB AMES just like any old straight guy would say and they have a picnic and he tries to romance her by lowering his robot head onto her face for Lip Engagement Sequence Number 47B and I think it's safe to say that Ames will be parked back in the garage at the end of this episode.

OK, off to Sonoma to meet Early Man Ben F.'s family. They tromp off to his winery to have the now-oblig. picnic and Chipmunk wants to know if there's anything she should know. "Well, actually," Ben says, "my father was a silverback gorilla," oh, no, wait, his Dad is dead too. All these dead Dads are bumming me out. OK, let's meet the fam. Well, his sister sure is a handsome lady! She assures Chipmunk that Ben is in touch with his emotions. Good thing, because Mom isn't exactly a waterfall of feeling. Something else may have happened but I kinda zoned out a little at this point and I was also playing Words With Friends at the same time. It's a good thing that whoever named Words With Friends didn't name other games too or checkers would be called Moving Discs Across a Flat Surface. But I digress.

Last stop: Long Island, to meet JP's fam. They start out with a little roller skating to "I Can't Fight This Feeling," and I guess the rights to that song are so cheap now that even "The Bachelorette" can afford them and why are we even doing this? Let's meet this family. Oh, thank God, Mom has the Classic Long Island accent. Look, JP has a Live Dad! Now we're getting somewhere. He sure doesn't say much, but at least he's still up and mobile. Everyone talks darkly about JP's last relationship and how much it fucked him up and by the way they're talking it sounded like he needed electroshock to get over this bitch and what the hell did she do? Ohhhhh, maybe that's why Dad's so quiet! Anyway, we all chow down on some lasagna and Mom hauls out the Embarrassing Photo and that's about it.

Back in LA, Chipmunk sits down with Chris Harrison and God save our fucking souls, we are going to rehash the Bentley thing one more fucking time. They recap the dates a little and it's clear that Ames is already her Gay Best Friend and they're totally going to have slumber parties and watch Audrey Hepburn movies and talk about boys.

Time for the cuts Yes, no surprise. Ames is let go and he talks about how "poetic" the whole thing has been like he could get any gayer. So the final three is Pumpkinhead and Early Man and GI Joe. Good luck with that.

The Bachelorette: And then there were four. Losers.

There have been bad Bachelor/ette seasons and BAD seasons and REALLY BAD seasons but this is now officially the worst. We've seen some lame-ass dudes and chicks on this show, but this group of barely functioning jellyfish is so lifeless and inert they make a coma patient look like a spider monkey. Thankfully it will all be over soon and we can begin to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives and maybe watch Big Brother instead, which is starting to look like a Merchant Ivory production next to this crap.

Oh look, we're in Taiwan! Ashley Chipmunk informs us that it is known as "the hidden jewel of Asia because not a lot of people know about it." That's right, Ashley!! Never heard of it!! Now how do you say it again? TIE WON? TIE WANE? Say it one more time for us! We will begin with a Solo Date with Constantine the Pumpkinhead, in which we will take an old-timey train to an "adorable little village." YOU BE CUTE FOR ASHLEY YOU VILLAGERS. Oh see, we're painting Dream Lanterns. You paint your wish on it and hope it comes true. I put "A Quick and Painless Death" on mine! Fly, Dream Lantern, fly! This is followed by the Standard Outdoor Dinner/Relationship Talk and Chipmunk wants to know why he's not in love with her yet. That's not normal! Then they release their Dream Lanterns and it's romantic and they make out and whatever.

Next we have a Solo Date with Ben from Sonoma. They hop on a moped and immediately go the wrong way up the street, in an act of EERIE SYMBOLISM AND FORESHADOWING.


OH SHIT HE JUST CALLED HER "KIDDO." What are you, her crazy confirmed bachelor uncle with a brightly colored scarf? "Kiddo"? He drives the dorkped to the Next Outdoor Dinner and they talk about going to Sonoma maybe and he casually mentions something about "dropping the L-bomb" and I wish he would stop talking like that.

Group Date! Taiwan is famous for wedding photos! Who knew! So let's all go do the least fun part of any wedding and get faux wedding photos done! You have outdone yourself on the Wild and Fun Ideas, ABC! It goes over about as well as you'd expect. Then, in a Shocking Change of Pace, we have Indoor Dinner instead of Outdoor Dinner and then a little facetime with all the losers. Ames has brought family pictures! He is one weird fucking guy. Chipmunk calls him "unique" which is code for "Just Arrived Here on Earth and Still Trying to Figure It Out." JP is still pissed that she's Seeing Other People. You should hit her now and show her who's boss! He gets the Please Don't Hurt Me Rose and is in the Final 4.

Solo Date with Ryan! Everybody hates Ryan because he's like the Student Council President. Remember that guy? That's Ryan. After walking around an outdoor temple where Chipmunk says "Isn't this amazing?" about a million times they sit down for a picnic by a water feature and BOOM here comes Ryan turning on the romance with a half-hour seminar on TANKLESS WATER HEATERS. FASCINATING. Ashley looks like she wants to cut herself and is visibly distraught by this lecture on environmentally responsible plumbing and finally just lets him go. THANK GOD. Ryan ducks behind some bushes and has a panic attack, then wanders the streets of Taiwan looking melancholy. Whoa, he doesn't even get the Loser Limo! He gets the Loser Cab! Bonne chance, you fucking weirdo.

Time for the Pre-Rose Cocktail Party. Oh wait, she's bagging it again! Man, she keeps doing that! Who do you have to fuck to get a Pre-Rose Cocktail Party around here? Anyway, she says she knows who she's gonna cut. My money is on Spaceman Ames. Right on cue, he says to his fellow bros "The situation's pretty grave." Like, who the fuck talks like that? I mean, besides advisers to the President in those movies where Bill Pullman's the President?

OK, here we go. Rest of the Final Four. Pumpkinhead. Ben from Sonoma. AMES! What! You have got to be kidding me!! Lucas is kind of a dud, but AMES! Oh well. I am actually looking forward to meeting his family so we can figure out what happened there. Awww, poor Lucas just wants "someone I can cook breakfast for." You should get a job at Denny's! It would be like paradise for you! So there you go.

Then we have a little interview with Emily from last season. Chris Harrison begins with the Understatement of the Century: "Some of the couples who have gotten together on our show have not stayed together." NO FUCKING WAY. REALLY. Anyway, Emily, who is in full porn star makeup, cries a lot and really doesn't explain why she and Brad broke up but maybe getting engaged after 4 dates on a TV show has something to do with it. Who knows?

The Bachelorette: More of this Bentley crap and frankly, everyone's fucking sick of it now

Like Romeo and Juliet, this season of the Bachelorette has also been all about star-cross'd lovers, although instead of the Montagues and Capulets, we have a relentlessly perky future dentist from Maine and a heavy-lidded sociopath from Salt Lake City with a daughter named "Cozy." This season has been all about Ashley Chipmunk and Bentley and we are reminded of that fact by his name coming up about 10 times in the first 3 minutes of this episode and as it turns out ABC has flown him to Hong Kong, the next stop on our Worldwide Tour, and I am hoping for a murder-suicide but will no doubt be disappointed. Instead, Chipmunk goes to see him in the hotel and I guess he sort of dumps her or something and anyway she walks away to this swelling music that is meant to make us think that she is a Soaring Bird Who Will Fly Away With Love. She also sums it up with a bleeped "fuck you" and would have come in handy, oh, THREE EPISODES AGO.

Let's get back on track now. Solo date with Lucas, who has never been to any big city, so Hong Kong should be a good start. Chipmunk must be feeling better because she's back to spouting her usual inanities like "Look at the street market! People are selling things!" (ACTUAL QUOTE, NOT MADE UP.) Very good, Ashley! What does the cow say? Then they have some dinner on a boat and he tells his boring divorce story and whatever. Why did I decide not drinking on Monday nights was a good idea?

Group date time. The 6 losers are separated into groups of 2 and then electrocuted on the beach. No, wait, I was just imagining that. No, instead they must fan out in Hong Kong and recruit people to man dragon boats for a race. A surprising number of locals have Prior Dragon Boat Experience! It must be like Rec League softball there. Anyway, then there's a dragon boat race that's about as interesting as a rerun of the McNeil-Lehrer Report from 1981. For the Night Portion of the date, we are off to some Vegas hotel-looking bar where Ames yanks Chipmunk into an elevator and does what I guess he imagines the humans think is romantic. Seriously, this guy is SO FUCKING WEIRD. He's like a bad actor trying to play someone who's uncomfortable all the time.

Solo date w/ JP. They're having dinner in "Kowloon Walled City," she thinks but I don't think so because "demolition began in March 1993 and was completed in April 1994." Oh, wait, I guess there's a touristy replacement thing. Anyway, usual outdoor dining thing. God forbid we go more than 10 minutes without a Bentley reference so she tells him all about her meetup with Bentley and JP nods all understanding-like and he's all like "Thank you for your honesty," you crazy fucking basket case. Then they take some tram up to the top of this mountain and HOLY SHIT THERE'S THAT SAME GUY FROM EVERY SUBWAY STATION PLAYING THAT CHINESE INSTRUMENT THING. You cannot get away from that guy. He is stalking us all.

Cocktail Party! Holy shit, things are busting out all over with Chipmunk and the Breastanator 5000 dress she's rocking. Lest another second pass without a mention of He Who Is Called Bentley, she repeats her fucking Breakup Story to the whole group and ABOUT FUCKING TIME instead of cocking their heads to the side and saying "Awwwww," THEY PISSED. Good for you guys! Chipmunk deploys the Girl Natural Defense Mechanism, crying alone quietly, but they ain't having it. Mickey's all "I don't know what you saw in that guy" and bounces! Good for you, man! Blake gets all pissed too but then he realizes this isn't really helping but it's too late because once you're mean to Ashley she will love you forever never forgive you. He gets cut.

Exit interview: Blake says, plaintively, "I just want a friend." Blake, you need to be on "America's Next Top SPCA Rescue" because WE ARE NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS.

The Bachelorette: Finally, somebody gets seriously injured

So we're still in Thailand and it seems that we're moving the whole operation to Chiang Mai, which features "many relaxing bars, several discotheques, live music venues and one street with hostess bars which cater to tourists." The Douche Alliance is installed in some faux colonial dump w/ Thai restaurant music and we see Ashley Chipmunk walking along and we're 4 minutes in before we get our first voiceover mention of Bentley, who continues to infect this show like malaria or fire ants.

Solo date with Ben F., "Sonoma winemaker," who really does look like one of the late stages in an "Evolution of Man" exhibit at the Natural History Museum. They take one of those DPT Cushman mobiles into town and visit the "Umbrella Making Centre," where I guess tourists can simulate producing consumer goods for America for 50 cents an hour. Then they sit in front of a Very Sacred Thai Temple where they're apparently not allowed to make out, so Chipmunk suggests they do a "mental kiss" and this is where The Wife said "This is like a fucking high school......oh...ugh, ugh....."

Cut to the Nighttime Part of the date. She's wearing a romper made out of a very ugly tablecloth. They have your usual Outdoor Dinner at some Thai place. He gets the #14 and then blabs on and on and on and on about his Dad dying and his feelings and whatever blah blah blah even Chipmunk looks bored until the Fire Dancers and Fire Breathers come out and she's like THANK GOD I don't have to listen to Mr. Here's Every Fucking Thing That's Ever Crossed My Mind any more.

Group Date. 8 douches will enter the ring and sadly 8 will leave. It seems that we are doing Muay Thai boxing, which sounds GREAT to me because someone might be killed or paralyzed and then I'll like this show again. They do some crazy Muay Thai workout for like 8 hours and Ames is all "Not the face, please! Not my beautiful face!" They divvy up some boxing gear and get in the ring in some public square in front of a bunch of Thai people who are all "Who are these fuckers and why won't they hurt each other? Fuck."

You just know Ames is going to get killed because he's a Delicate Flower and YEP he gets knocked around and is led to an ambulance and whisked away to a Thai ER room where I guess some powdered rhinoceros horn and some spells will fix him right up. Later, at the Nighttime Portion of the Group Date, Ames makes a dramatic reappearance and I think his "Portfolio Manager" career might be over unless the portfolio is Care Bears stickers because he looks fucked up real bad. Meanwhile, in a solo interview, William inexplicably says "Who has 2 thumbs and is gonna win the rose on the 2 on 1 date? This guy," pointing at himself because I guess Ashley made it clear she was only marrying guys with 2 thumbs. Ashley mentions Bentley about 12 more times and gives Generic Man Blake a rose.

DOUBLE BRO DATE. William and Ben C. raft Chipmunk down a river like it's "Apocalypse Now" or something and William talks all kinds of shit about how Ben C. said he'll "clean up" on those "dating websites" and fucking Chipmunk is just like REALLY OH THAT'S BAD and fucking gets rid of Ben C. RIGHT THEN. Like why would you believe that superdouche? Why does this girl do these things? Who knows. Oh wait, she says she didn't like him anyway. He gets the Emo Raft-Away instead of the Emo Limo-Away.

We segue into yet another Outdoor Dinner, this time with William. He gives everyone major creeps by saying he's a "30 year old boy" and she tells him to GTFO. Back to your fun life selling cell phones to a gullible mall-going public.

OK, back at the resort for the Pre-Rose. Chipmunk sits down with Chris Harrison and wants to talk about Bentley. Chris Harrison is just as pissed about this as all of us.

He wishes he could kick her off the fucking show and I do too. Let's bring in Chantal from last season to do some mop up because this bitch crazy.

Soul Patch Guy gets cut. I can't remember his name. You don't care anyway. Why didn't Ames get cut? The Wife knows: "You can't put him on a plane. His head would explode." I feel the same way.

The Bachelorette: Hell in a Phuket

Christ, I'm sorry about that title. That is just terrible.

Tonight the Douchecabal is off to Thailand where they will hopefully die in a powerboat drug-smuggling incident but probably not. We will also not be able to count the number of times Ashley Chipmunk says the name "Bentley" in voiceover. She loves that psychopath SO SO SO MUCH.

Solo date with Constantine, who has a head like a soccer ball and a lazy eye. They were gonna take a boat out to a private beach but the weather's no good so you know what Constantine's backup plan is? LET'S GO SHOPPING! The romance is strong in this one. They head into town in Phuket or whatever and Chipmunk sees a holy Thai shrine and squeals "That's so cute!!!" like it's a Chuck E. Cheese or something. She is really a dipshit, no joke. Constantine wants to interact with some locals so they stop to ask a kindly old shopkeeper for his advice on marriage and they rope in some hapless kid to interpret and he says "YOU BUY EVERYTHING IN STORE YOU HAPPY FOREVER" no actually he says something about "Don't try to win" which is fine if you're a BIG PUSSY. Anyway, they don't buy anything and then they have awkward beers at some kind of cafe and SHE STARTS BITCHING ABOUT BENTLEY IN VOICEOVER.


The dinner portion of the date is at our usual outdoor seaside cabana thing. Guess who's on Chipmunk's mind? One guess.


They fucking blather on about nothing and Soccer Ball Head gets a rose.

OK, next day. Group date. How do you think it starts? If you guessed "TALKING ABOUT FUCKING BENTLEY," go ahead and cut yourself as a reward. You've been very good holding out this long and we'll tell your therapist it was an accident.

Chipmunk takes about 10 douches out to this orphanage thing. "Maybe some of you guys know," she says, "but in 2004 there was a huge tsunami here and it left a lot of people really devastated." The guys all furrow their brows and try to figure out what the hell she's talking about. As it happens, they're going to do some cleaning and painting and whatnot at the orphanage and this is actually very very nice and it's hard for me to make fun of this except to say that the lime-aqua combo they're using to paint one of the rooms is TRAGIC.

Oh look, Ben F. has gone the extra step and painted a mural on one wall!


It's called "Miniature Pink Elephant with Vacuum Attachment Prepares to Hoover Up Flower Garden." Lovely!

Time for some Post-Charity Cocktails. Chipmunk tells Ben F. she "went through a hard time last week" and you know who she's talking about and this is now veering into the very very strange. Anyway, he manages to get a little makeout sesh with her which he then botches by actually saying "Ruh Roh" in the middle of it. WHAT THE FUCK DUDE.

She goes off to talk to JP her BFF from last episode. You know who she mentions in the V.O. at this point right?


Anyway, she and JP start making out and whatever.

Next day, solo date with "Ames," the "Portfolio Manager" from "New York." As it happens, this nerdy little Achievebot has been to Phuket before! Alone! To go to cooking school!

What's this? A text from my sister, who says what we're all thinking at this point:

"Total gay. He is hoarding his roses to make potpourri."

What, a straight man can't go to Thailand alone to go to cooking school? No, as a matter of fact, he can't. Wait, here's Ames' account of his Best First Date: "I met SOMEBODY in a shoe store and they said 'What are you doing tonight' and I said 'Going out with you.'" They ended up dating a long time. Make of that what you will. Also, he tells Chipmunk he's looking for somebody "open-minded." OH I BET YOU ARE.

Another outdoor dinner! Another mention of You Know Who!


Ames looks at the rose on the table and says he prefers to think of it as a "floral piece." Girlfriend is redecorating the cabana in his mind already! He gets the floral piece and Chipmunk gets a new Gay Best Friend.

The Pre-Rose Cocktail Party is back on this week after a terrible hiatus last week. Chipmunk has a little chat with West, who definitely did not kill his first wife. He's ready to "move on" and presumably NOT KILL AGAIN. Chipmunk says she has "some pretty big shoes to fill." Pretty big bathtub full of water after you have a seizure too! That was terrible. I'm sorry about that.

Chipmunk sits down with Our Host Chris Harrison. Guess who she wants to talk about? Milton Friedman. No, silly! Anyway, she's only sending one guy home this week. Fuck, at this rate this show is going to take fucking FOREVER to finish. Cut to Rose Ceremony. West gets cut. SO TO SPEAK. If you decide to date West, take showers instead of baths. Just a little friendly advice.

The Bachelorette: A Very Special All-Crying Episode!

Like many of you, or nobody else in the world, I spent last night flipping back and forth between The Trials of Ashley Chipmunk on DVR and the 13-inning marathon that the Giants eventually won and so forgive me if I accidentally write about Chipmunk's date with Jeremy Affeldt or seem to remember Bentley bunting in the 11th. ANYWAY.

Solo date with Ben C. I have no memory of this anonydude. Chipmunk tells us that she's been working with "Flash Mob America" to coordinate the perfect Flash Mob. Oh Christ. Flash Mob America's website is down today, I assume because there are thousands of mouthbreathing jelly donuts who have never heard the term "Flash Mob" and are furiously looking it up on AOL today but their Tumblr says they are "a nationwide, full service Flash Mob production company with an extensive community of passionate Flash Mob enthusiasts from all over the country!" Oh fuck you.

Anyway, they go to some fancy-ass strip mall with a lawn called "The Americana" in fucking Glendale and sit on the tiny patch of grass while tourists and shopaholics photograph them like they're snow leopards or retarded monkeys. Then Flash Mob America shows up for a carefully packaged and rehearsed spontaneous dance exhibition to "Like a G6" and God if I never hear that song again it'll be too soon. Oh look, Far East Movement is here because I guess donating bone marrow or going to a poetry slam wasn't painful enough.

(At this point, I got a text from an associate that said "Helicopters: Out. Asians: In" but I didn't understand it at all until she clarified that Far East Movement contains Asians but it's cool because she's 1/4 Asian.)

They have dinner at the Hilton Checkers (really, Hilton? Hilton Checkers? The fuck?) and Ben C. is apparently dining on pharmaceutical grade cocaine because he starts babbling wildly about wanting to "live in a bubble with somebody" which is in fact an "unrealistic idealistic bubble where we're convinced we're more in love than any other couple that ever lived" and then sucks in air through his teeth and goes "MAN I FUCKING LOVE THE HILTON CHECKERS AND BEING ON THIS SHOW. FUCKING LOVE IT." Chipmunk seems to like this mania.

Back at Douche Ranch, Mask Guy takes Ash aside and is ready to take off the mask and he does it and OMG IT'S COREY HAIM HE IS STILL ALIVE oh wait no, it's just another jerkoff with a Failed Dating Strategy. Whatever.

For our Group Date, a bunch of us will go to the Comedy Store in LA and do a Hi-Fucking-Larious roast of Ashley. I'm running long here, so I'll condense it: Small boob joke; small boob joke; small boob joke; William says he wishes it was Emily or Chantal on the show instead of Chipmunk; small boob joke. WHOOPS! Ashley cries and cries. Bentley goes to comfort her in his menacing way and says her boobs are great and chuckles evilly and SHE EATS THAT SHIT UP. Meanwhile, William keeps hitting himself in the head with his shoe and going "Stupid! Stupid!" Dramatic shots of him wandering the streets of West Hollywood. Ashley is chatting with Demasked Guy, who tries to comfort her by telling her he adopted a three-legged dog. CHRIST MASK GUY CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT? Also, her fake eyelashes are now all wet and look like swim fins attached to her eyelids. Gross.

Next day at the Bachelorette house, Chipmunk is walking around the pool and gazing meaningfully into middle distance. She is in love with Bentley, we learn. Cut to Bentley, who says he's not "feeling it" and he "played everyone" and WTF? If by "played everyone" you mean "convinced America that I'm a psychopathic monster," then yes. He goes over there to tell her he's splitting. He makes up some shit about missing his daughter but tells us secretly it's just because he's not feeling it. Chipmunk cries cries cries cries. How will she go on without this emotionless crapmonster in her life? He's off to go home and tend to the severed heads in his fridge and torture some animals or whatever. Chicks love assholes. It is so true.

But now who will treat me like shit? PLEASE DON'T GO!!!

So she's got to pull herself together for a date with JP Gordon-Levitt. This date is apparently ordering Chinese food and sitting on the floor in PJs while she cries about Bentley. What is he, her fat best friend? Maybe they'll braid each other's hair and make collages! He gets the Sympathetic Friend Rose. Then they make out.

No pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party b/c Chipmunk is still devastated about Psycho Killer leaving. Let's go straight to the cuts. She is wearing a dress made from crumpled aluminum foil. Maybe she and JP did crafts last night too! I fast-forwarded through most of this but I can report that she cut Mask Guy, who can now form a traveling circus with his three-legged dog, and some guy named Chris who I didn't know was on the show. That's about it.

The Bachelorette: What Happens in Vegas is Boring

I gotta say, 2 episodes in, I'm not so crazy about this season and hate Ashley's stupid face and the Mask Guy and everybody but now I'm committed so I will let the hate fuel my work this season and feed on it like a lion on a wildebeest or whatever.

OK we start out with a broclave where Chris Harrison explains how group dates work to a clearly befuddled crowd of idiots and losers. Now we're off to Vegas to get some commercial tie-ins done. Ashley and William in one jet, and a bunch of bros following behind in a Baby Mama Jet. There are some interviews and Mask Guy who is still wearing a mask says "I've taken the stealth approach, and I feel like a lotta guys are riding around in cabs." Because, what, cabs are loud and garish? You can't sneak around in a cab? Mask Guy is Functionally Retarded? All 3?

Standard Vegas Establishing Shots follow. Then we have some kind of Bizarro Fake Wedding setup with William and Chipmunk ring shopping and cake tasting and then actually starting a ceremony at the Bellagio Wedding Chapel and, sadly, they don't go through with it although Chipmunk says it's the "best first date I've ever been on!" which is the same exact thing she said to Brad on their first date last season and I get the feeling if I took her for Slurpees at a 7-11 in Coalinga and then we took a Greyhound to Fresno that would also be the "best first date she's ever been on!"

They have dinner in the middle of the fucking fountain pool thing at the Bellagio. Time for some Deep Talk about William's Dead Alcoholic Dad and YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO BELIEVE THIS Chipmunk has an Alcoholic Dad too but I can't tell if he's dead. Hmmmm, never would have guessed. Anyway, if you two end up together, DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN because it's pretty much a lock they'll be big boozers. Then the fountains go off and whatever.

Next we have a group date where the douchecabal visits the decidedly lower-rent Monte Carlo where they will have some kind of dance competition with something called JabbaWockeeZ, who are apparently some kind of dance group. They are divided into 2 groups and have to pick names and whatever, I kind of zoned out at this point. OBSERVATION: A lot of guys in "dance crews" are Asian, am I right? There's some kind of performance and some guys and something else happens.

Oh, then there's some post-show hangouts and West, who almost definitely did not kill his wife, tells his Dead Wife Story. "You don't know when the people you love will be taken away," he says. OR DO YOU? DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN. Bentley likes Chipmunk's body and wants to do maybe something dirty. He says "She has a great body, amazing butt, rocking legs," and then he says, WE THINK, "and having her tickle my" and then they bleeped it out and he might have said "intellect" but also maybe not. He's a creep! That's why she loves him and begs him to stay on the show. Because chicks really do like assholes. It's true.

Back at the Douche Ranch, Ames is mad about Mask Guy and also Mask Guy is very contemplative and stares at the pool and wonders why the fuck he decided to look like an idiot on network television.

Now Chipmunk and "Mickey" are at Mandalay Bay and she thinks he looks "A MAY ZING" because he put a fucking blazer on over a t-shirt. Imagine if he put on a tux! She'd pass out from excitement. Mickey has a Dead Mom and the stench of death hangs heavy over our contestants. Now Chipmunk may be dying too, as she reports that she has "atunophon," which is a horrible, crippling malady OH WAIT she had a "ton of fun." Never mind. Then they have a private concert by Colbie Caillat and Mickey looks REAL EXCITED which makes me wonder a little about Mickey.

Let's move along. We're all back in LA now and getting ready for the Rose Ceremony and finally Ash has a sitdown with Mask Guy who, in short order, reveals that he had a brain hemorrhage, is 35, and has been divorced. Jesus, you should drop this human wreckage like a sack of dirt.

[At this point in my notes, I wrote down that The Wife said to me "I thought we covered this. Do not draw on the dog." SORRY.]

Instead, Mask Guy gets to stay! Who left? Hairdresser, Eyebrows, and the Guy Who Called His Mom. Who calls his Mom again and it is SO FUCKING CREEPY but at least he's not on this trainwreck anymore. Dating your Mom is better than being on the Bachelorette. There I said it.

The Bacherlorette: Don't Be That Guy. Or any of these guys, for that matter.

What if the Apocalypse really did happen and we just didn’t realize it at the time? How could we tell? One way, perhaps, is that we’re watching an Overly Excitable Dentist with the attention span of a fox sparrow look for true love on network TV. That’s right, friends, our new Bachelorette is Ashley Chipmunk.

Following the usual montage of her Failure Parade last season (not that it worked out any better for Brad, who, we can only pray, will NOT be back for a third go), we see Ashley in her current milieu of Philadelphia, doing interpretative dance in an empty theater and, God help us, dental surgery on some unsuspecting guy who can only afford to get dental work done at the dental school and I hope no one drops a pen while she’s in his mouth or he’s going to have a hole where a tooth used to be. Dissolve to LA where Ash runs around in a series of midriff-baring tops and uses the word “journey” for the first time.

Chris Harrison shows up and it’s time to get a preview of some of our potential mates in their native environments. Here we have “Ames,” who grew up in NYC and works in finance and “went to Yale, which is in Connecticut,” thanks for that detail Ames, and then got 2 Masters degrees and went to Harvard just for fun and then cured cancer and flew to the Sun in a spaceship he built in the garage but despite all this can’t seem to locate a suit that fits him. Ben F. is a winemaker from Sonoma (and San Diego, suspiciously) who has carefully tousled hair and knows what he wants in life: “a brunette.” AIM HIGH BEN F. “Bentley” lives in Salt Lake City and has a daughter named “Cozy,” not kidding, which seems like a cruel thing to do to a child, even if it’s Mormon. “West” has a Dead Wife and we are treated to the EXTREMELY GRAPHIC story of how he found her facedown in the bathtub! JESUS CHRIST THIS IS THE BACHELORETTE NOT CSI, spare me the seizure stories.

Back to our Chris Harrison sitdown w/ Ash. She has learned a lot from past mistakes and is concerned that some guys might not be here for the right reasons. RING THE “HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS” BELL. What’s this? She’s been pre-warned about Bentley? He’s on the show to promote his job? I hope his job isn’t naming people’s children or he’s a terrible failure. We will keep our eye on Bentley.

OK, let’s meet the douchebags. We gotta get 25 guys out of a limo and into the mansion and this is going to be painful. Tim, the “liquor distributor,” looks at her like he’s looking at a stripper and can’t think of anything to say. Stephen is a hairstylist from LA and through some herculean effort on my part I’m not making a gay joke here and he comments on her hair, natch, and goes inside. Anthony the New Jersey butcher is playing to type with his open collar and gold chain and Joey-from-Friends affect and we can smell the Paco Rabanne from here. And then there’s Jeff, who’s wearing a mask because he’s obviously on a Megan’s Law database somewhere. Then there are 15 other variations on the Date Rapist/Crispy Hair type. Whatevs

Now we have the traditional Cocktail Party, wherein 25 jackoffs try and get some Face Time with the Chipmunk to plead their case. Each one is more boring than the last until we get to one guy whose name escapes me but uses his time to CALL HIS MOM and put her on speaker and then Mom promptly tells them to use protection and this whole little psychodrama is so disturbing I don’t really want to think about it. Oh, I also liked Jon, who wants a “teammate in life” LOL what is this a motivational seminar? OH THE ROMANCE NEVER STOPS WITH JON.

Cut to Tim the Liquor Distributor. He has distributed all the available liquor into his gullet apparently because broseph is FUCKING HAMMERED. He tries to pick a fight with Mask Guy who begs off because “I’m a mature adult” and there you have it, Ladies and Gentlemen, the Mature Adult in this picture is the one wearing a Mardi Gras mask he got at Party City. Later we see Tim passed out by the pool, snoring into his mic and Tim is sent on his way and just a thought Tim, maybe working with liquor or any other alcoholic beverage is not the Best Choice for you. I do see a crossover potential with “Intervention,” though! BYE TIM.

Here’s an out of context sentence that Chipmunk said that I’m just going to park here and leave: “I always say that the man I’m gonna marry is gonna call me Cupcake.”

OK, who gets to stay? Mask Guy, incredibly. I mean, really. Ames gets a rose BECAUSE HE EARNED IT. And the hairdresser! Good. Evil Bentley gets the last rose and makes Cozy proud. This is gonna be fun. Oh, God help me, did I just say that?

FINAL COUNT:

“JOURNEY” – 5

“HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS” - 7