This isn’t your “that’s not a knife,” no sirs and ma’ams. This list is lines from movies that are so utilitarian they have sneaked, in whatever paraphrased form, into my actual script o’ life. To qualify, they not only have to roll like Skippy 100% Natural, and they have to have an under-the-radar secret memory smile to them.
Recognizable, sure, some of them, but they weren’t the taglines on any posters. Google was not molested to ensure their accuracy, they’re presented as I remember—and use them.
1. “Come friends, let us away.” Martin Sheen’s not-president character in The American President. USE: When you’re in a group of people doing that “where should we go eat, are we getting in cars, can someone make a plan please?”
2. “That’s a decision every girl has got to make for herself.” Clueless. What. Come at me. Cher, talking about Tai’s virginity, I think. USE: To agree to disagree, to aid and abet questionable taste—yours, or otherwise.
3.“Why am I back here on brain detail?” Infinitely quotable, Pulp Fiction. But this is the most infinitely usable scrap from the Martin’s brains scene. USE: Hello, charmingly friend, can you lend a hand here on this disgusting task that should be more your bag than mine, hey and thanks!
4. “Yeah. I hate bugs.” More a cautionary reminder to myself from the “what should our prom theme be?” scene in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. USE: When you find yourself making a particularly inane and insufferably vapid proclamation, scold yourself with this.
5. “This is it. Don’t get scared now.” The Kevin McAllister mantra of bravery, Home Alone. USE: Constantly, in situations of peril.
Honorable Mention: “Put. The bunny. Down.” One of the finest American action films with an unbelievable cast. Con Air. From the belly of the plane scene? I remember fire. USE: Cease your irritation of me and your overstepping of my patience and cut it OUT.
SO? Come at me with your quotes. It’d be a whole lot cooler if you did…
I will! I will!
1. "Well, this is all very good news. And this is empty."
From "Where the Buffalo Roam," a semi-forgotten 1980 classic in which Bill Murray plays Hunter S. Thompson SO WELL. This line is typically deployed when, well, something is very good news; the "this is empty" part is a vestigial remnant from the film (where it refers, as it happens, to an empty cocaine vial) and no longer carries any meaning, but sticks around because it was there originally. Like an appendix or male nipples.
2. "I get very greedy with my supplies once we're airborne."
Same movie. Used whenever there is a fixed quantity of something and you've offered some up, for the last time.
3. "I will not be ignored, Dan."
From "Fatal Attraction," of course. Used to overdramatize situations in which someone is not giving you your proper heed. Example: You're talking to someone who is watching TV/playing on their phone/asleep and they aren't listening to you.
4. "I shouldn't have drunk all that cough syrup this morning."
Bill Murray again, this time in "Stripes," one of those movies I've seen a double digits number of times. Used whenever one groggily does something stupid, i.e., turns on empty coffee maker, puts keys in fridge.
5. "This kind of thing is very common in show business."
Not from a movie, actually, but from "Seinfeld," a Quote Factory in its own right. I tend to break this out whenever I am telling The Wife about some perceived incident of flirting with some girl in the world. She has her own ideas about whether any actual flirting ever occurs.
Speaking of The Wife, she has a few of her own:
1. "Now, is that civilized? Clearly not."
"Gremlins 2." Used when something is clearly uncivilized.
2. "You're a handsome devil. What's your name?"
This is The Wife's go-to line when meeting a new baby. Usually male, I guess. It's from "Grosse Pointe Blank."
3. "I saved Latin. What did you do?"
Used when someone is bragging about something. From the second-best movie of all time, "Rushmore."
What are yours? Do tell.
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