Look! It's Bevan Dufty riding Muni
With his daughter Sidney
If he can fix the fucking trains
I'll give him my left kidney
Steve Jobs passed on; I guess you'd say
His work benefitted us all
Another way to put it would be
AT&T dropped his call
The mayor's race is heating up
Ed Lee is getting attacked
I wouldn't worry about it though
He's pretty heavily Rose Pak'd
Occupy SF took to the streets
To stir up some civil strife
I doubt they're going to reform Wall Street
By yelling at my wife
The Blue Angels are here for their yearly flight
Some people think it's tacky
If the sound of fighters bothers you
Be glad you're not Iraqi
Showing posts with label advertising. Show all posts
Showing posts with label advertising. Show all posts
Friday, October 7, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Finally, a relationship column we can actually relate to.
Man, do I ever love the Chronicle's Union Squared feature. If you're not familiar, they're little stories about couples who are getting married or just got married or whatever. It has, like, how they met - which is usually some way PRETTY FUCKING CUTE - and what their wedding was like and all that stuff. Like, here's an excerpt from this week's example, Megan and Tyler (quick context: both are Stanford grads):
SO that's all great and stuff but what I really want to see is a weekly column about Relationships That Didn't Work Out, you know, like the Normal Relationships Everyone Has. We'll call it either Dolores Parked or Mission Failed. It'll be like this:
Although Stanford is a backdrop throughout Heinen and Mobley's love story, they did not start dating there. In fact, they met the night of a formal dance on campus, and Heinen had another date. It wasn't until two years later, when both had graduated and moved to San Francisco, that they ran into each other repeatedly while bar-hopping one night in the Marina.See? Cute! They met (or re-met) bar-hopping in the Marina! I'm not even going to say anything mean. You're already thinking it for me. Why do I have to do all the work?
"At the last bar, he left," Heinen said. "And then he came back in to get my number."
SO that's all great and stuff but what I really want to see is a weekly column about Relationships That Didn't Work Out, you know, like the Normal Relationships Everyone Has. We'll call it either Dolores Parked or Mission Failed. It'll be like this:
Daniel and Juliana met at happy hour at Casanova. "I was totally just there to get free drinks from the bartender, who I used to bang, and make fun of the crowd, but Daniel was actually kinda cool," Juliana remembers. "So we did some key bumps in the bathroom and then later went to this super lame house party, but it was cool because we had some pints of J&B and the music didn't completely suck."
After some fumbling, unprotected sex, the newly-minted couple stopped at Walgreens the next morning for Plan B before enjoying a leisurely brunch and bottomless mimosas. The next few weeks, Daniel happily recounts, passed in a dreamy blur of taquerias, Netflix, and artisanal cocktails. And more sex, but with more condoms and less blackouts.
Oh, but fate, it seemed, would intervene: Juliana got a job writing copy for an agency in LA. "I mean, duh, I had been making like ten bucks an hour temping, so it was a total no-brainer," she recounts. Daniel, after asking who was getting her apartment, bid her a bittersweet farewell. "She was a cool enough chick, I guess," he muses now.
Juliana is happy in LA and, after being shown a picture of Daniel and reminded who he is, offers that she has nothing but warm thoughts about him. For his part, Daniel is now seeing his coworker's roommate. "I still kinda wish I had gotten her apartment," he reflects on Juliana. Love can hurt, it is true.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Prices slightly higher in Times Square and Hell
HEY-O!!! IT'S RED LOBSTER SEAFOOD FEAST TIME AGAIN!!!!!
Whilst recently watching some network TV (probably the Bachelorette, God help me, that feels like my fucking job half the time), I happened to see an ad for Red Lobster's special Seafood Feast, wherein one might get a 4-course dinner for $15!!! THAT'S A HELL OF A DEAL. I couldn't find the ad online (because, what, there is nobody in the United States uploading all Red Lobster ads on YouTube? FUCK YOU AMERICA GET TO WORK. Sure, we have this one - FROM 2009 - or this one - FROM 1986 - but nothing for the Seafood Feast? WEAK.)
A N Y W A Y, there is a curious disclaimer at the end of the ad, reproduced here in their online advertising thing:
Now, ignore, if you can, the prospect of some signature New England Clam Chowder followed by some Shrimp-and-Scallops Alfredo and look there at the bottom. See it?
PRICES HIGHER IN TIMES SQUARE AND HAWAII
Now, Hawaii I can understand. It's very expensive to ship frozen processed seafood to an ISLAND CHAIN SURROUNDED BY AN OCEAN FULL OF FISH. It must take tons of fossil fuels to deliver each savory bite of parmesan-crusted tilapia to your table in Honolulu.
BUT HERE'S THE THING.
If you are in New York City, and you go to eat at Red Lobster, KILL YOURSELF. And not just because prices are higher in Times Square! But because you are in one of the greatest dining destinations in the World and you have chosen to drop off your hard-earned dollars in one of the crappiest chains there is. I don't eat a lot of seafood and I don't live in New York, but I will bet you ANYTHING there is a better seafood within walking distance of Times Square that's either comparable or cheaper.
Now I'm not some "Oh, I wouldn't dare eat at a chain" kind of snob. When I'm in the South, I loves me some Cracker Barrel and don't even get me started on Krystal. I want to open a Krystal here and CLEAN THE FUCK UP. I have been known to partake of In N Out, although I fail to see its mysterious allure, and fuck it, I'll throw down at McD's when the time is right.
But here's our standing deal: When we're traveling somewhere, NO CHAINS. C'mon, you've gone 500 or 1000 or 5000 miles away from home and the best thing you can think of is to have lunch at the same place you can hit while you're waiting for your car at Jiffy Lube back home? COME ON MAN.
[DISCLAIMER - I've never really traveled to the Far East and I guess if you went to China and all you had was squid eyes and catfish roe and dirt patties for a week, I could cut you some slack on posting up at KFC. But you're on an Intra-American trip, I'm pretty strict on this. NO CHAINS.]
[Second disclaimer - In the interests of exploration and reportage, I did hit up Supermac's last time I was in Ireland, which is like the Irish equivalent of McDonald's. Terrible. But none of the food in Ireland is any good. Well, there was this vegetable soup at this pub in Gerrykennedy that was really really good. But that's about it.]
Whilst recently watching some network TV (probably the Bachelorette, God help me, that feels like my fucking job half the time), I happened to see an ad for Red Lobster's special Seafood Feast, wherein one might get a 4-course dinner for $15!!! THAT'S A HELL OF A DEAL. I couldn't find the ad online (because, what, there is nobody in the United States uploading all Red Lobster ads on YouTube? FUCK YOU AMERICA GET TO WORK. Sure, we have this one - FROM 2009 - or this one - FROM 1986 - but nothing for the Seafood Feast? WEAK.)
A N Y W A Y, there is a curious disclaimer at the end of the ad, reproduced here in their online advertising thing:
Now, ignore, if you can, the prospect of some signature New England Clam Chowder followed by some Shrimp-and-Scallops Alfredo and look there at the bottom. See it?
PRICES HIGHER IN TIMES SQUARE AND HAWAII
Now, Hawaii I can understand. It's very expensive to ship frozen processed seafood to an ISLAND CHAIN SURROUNDED BY AN OCEAN FULL OF FISH. It must take tons of fossil fuels to deliver each savory bite of parmesan-crusted tilapia to your table in Honolulu.
BUT HERE'S THE THING.
If you are in New York City, and you go to eat at Red Lobster, KILL YOURSELF. And not just because prices are higher in Times Square! But because you are in one of the greatest dining destinations in the World and you have chosen to drop off your hard-earned dollars in one of the crappiest chains there is. I don't eat a lot of seafood and I don't live in New York, but I will bet you ANYTHING there is a better seafood within walking distance of Times Square that's either comparable or cheaper.
Now I'm not some "Oh, I wouldn't dare eat at a chain" kind of snob. When I'm in the South, I loves me some Cracker Barrel and don't even get me started on Krystal. I want to open a Krystal here and CLEAN THE FUCK UP. I have been known to partake of In N Out, although I fail to see its mysterious allure, and fuck it, I'll throw down at McD's when the time is right.
But here's our standing deal: When we're traveling somewhere, NO CHAINS. C'mon, you've gone 500 or 1000 or 5000 miles away from home and the best thing you can think of is to have lunch at the same place you can hit while you're waiting for your car at Jiffy Lube back home? COME ON MAN.
[DISCLAIMER - I've never really traveled to the Far East and I guess if you went to China and all you had was squid eyes and catfish roe and dirt patties for a week, I could cut you some slack on posting up at KFC. But you're on an Intra-American trip, I'm pretty strict on this. NO CHAINS.]
[Second disclaimer - In the interests of exploration and reportage, I did hit up Supermac's last time I was in Ireland, which is like the Irish equivalent of McDonald's. Terrible. But none of the food in Ireland is any good. Well, there was this vegetable soup at this pub in Gerrykennedy that was really really good. But that's about it.]
Friday, May 13, 2011
Four things
I have a lot of thoughts and feelings today.
First, I love this story:
Teen Discovers Promising Cystic Fibrosis Treatment
Impressive, no? But the best part of the story is at the end:
Second, have you ever wanted to see the inside of the Old Mint? Here's your chance! This weekend there's some kind of art show thing at the Old Mint and you can totally get in there and wander around and do whatever it is you do. Our pals over at Dusty Modern will even get you in for free if you're too cheap to pay the $5 admission. SUPER COOL!!!!!!
Third, there is no fucking way you will believe this, but Debra Saunders said some more stupid shit! SHOCKING, I KNOW. In her latest inanity, "Was Sarah Palin done in by Trig "birther" story?", Debra postulates that it was the (admittedly insane) rumors that Palin pretended to give birth to Trig to cover up her daughter's teen pregnancy that tanked Palin's credibility with the American people.
Oh, yeah, Debra, that is definitely what did it. It couldn't have been the epically disastrous interviews she did with Katie Couric or her repeatedly blaring absurdities on those rare occasions when she was able to form an English sentence or her sneering approach to, well, everything, or maybe quitting her job as the Governor of Alaska for no coherent reason at all, could it? Couldn't have been any of those things. No, it was probably a rumor about her kid's birth that maybe - maybe - 10 percent of the American public has even HEARD. God, the stupid never stops with Debra Saunders.
[Oh, and one more thing - even if, in some alternate universe that Debra Saunders calls home, the Trig thing really did bring down Sarah Palin, she fucking deserved it. Lest we forget, Palin supported Trump's ridiculous Obama birth certificate nonsense. As ye sow, etc.]
Fourth, I can't remember the fourth thing.
Have a good weekend, errbody!
First, I love this story:
Teen Discovers Promising Cystic Fibrosis Treatment
A 16-year-old from the Toronto area used a supercomputer system to find a new drug combination that shows potential in treating the genetic disorder cystic fibrosis, and won top honors for his work.
Marshall Zhang, an 11th-grade student at Richmond Hill's Bayview Secondary School, received first place Tuesday (May 10) in the 2011 Sanofi-Aventis BioTalent Challenge, a contest in which students conduct their own research projects with the help of mentors.
Impressive, no? But the best part of the story is at the end:
Now Zhang and a trio of Montreal students who took second place for their technique for making sorbet without gelatin move on to compete against U.S. and Australian teams at the International BioGENEius Challenge in Washington, D.C., June 27.That's right. FIRST PLACE: CURING MOTHERFUCKING CYSTIC FIBROSIS. Second place: Making sorbet without gelatin!!! SCIENCE. IT SOLVES THE WORLD'S PROBLEMS.
Second, have you ever wanted to see the inside of the Old Mint? Here's your chance! This weekend there's some kind of art show thing at the Old Mint and you can totally get in there and wander around and do whatever it is you do. Our pals over at Dusty Modern will even get you in for free if you're too cheap to pay the $5 admission. SUPER COOL!!!!!!
Third, there is no fucking way you will believe this, but Debra Saunders said some more stupid shit! SHOCKING, I KNOW. In her latest inanity, "Was Sarah Palin done in by Trig "birther" story?", Debra postulates that it was the (admittedly insane) rumors that Palin pretended to give birth to Trig to cover up her daughter's teen pregnancy that tanked Palin's credibility with the American people.
Oh, yeah, Debra, that is definitely what did it. It couldn't have been the epically disastrous interviews she did with Katie Couric or her repeatedly blaring absurdities on those rare occasions when she was able to form an English sentence or her sneering approach to, well, everything, or maybe quitting her job as the Governor of Alaska for no coherent reason at all, could it? Couldn't have been any of those things. No, it was probably a rumor about her kid's birth that maybe - maybe - 10 percent of the American public has even HEARD. God, the stupid never stops with Debra Saunders.
[Oh, and one more thing - even if, in some alternate universe that Debra Saunders calls home, the Trig thing really did bring down Sarah Palin, she fucking deserved it. Lest we forget, Palin supported Trump's ridiculous Obama birth certificate nonsense. As ye sow, etc.]
Fourth, I can't remember the fourth thing.
Have a good weekend, errbody!
Friday, April 29, 2011
The Grand Unified Conspiracy Theory
In 1977, Jimmy Carter used the Philadelphia Experiment to travel back in time and take two dinosaur eggs from fellow Illuminatus Thomas Jefferson’s Monticello home. He put one of the eggs on the Roswell UFO and sent it to England and stored the other one in a janitorial closet in the basement of the Washington Monument. One of the eggs hatched in 1926 and became Queen Elizabeth II.
Years later, Franklin Roosevelt and the Bilderberg Group engineered Pearl Harbor to benefit International Paper, who would make the ration books used during the war. It was around this time that Moses appeared to L. Ron Hubbard and gave him a microfilm that contained all Scientific Knowledge in the Universe. Unfortunately, Hubbard ate part of the microfilm, thinking it was blotter acid, and mistranslated the rest. This would be the basis of Scientology.
After the war, David Rockefeller and the Trilateral Commission invented Jell-O as a mind control substance. When Jell-O proved ineffective, they switched tactics and began implanting subliminal messages in episodes of “Gunsmoke” and in Petula Clark albums. John F. Kennedy accidentally learned of the backward making operation and so Dean Martin was sent to kill him. Dean Martin is an alien. Lee Harvey Oswald just happened to be there. Jack Ruby accidentally shot Lee Harvey Oswald when he was supposed to shoot the startled-looking guy next to him, who was also an alien. This has nothing to do with the rest of this stuff; it was just some unrelated alien-on-alien violence.
In 1961, the second dinosaur egg hatched and Obama was born. Ironically, the egg had just been with Rockefeller in Kenya when Rockefeller was there on safari, but the egg actually hatched in the main galley of a TWA flight from Kinshasa to Montreal. When it was later learned that there may have been some alien egg residue left on the plane, it was shot down when it was flying as TWA Flight 800. The Masons decided to have a Hawaiian birth certificate prepared because the original plan was to make Hawaii and independent kingdom and Obama would be the King of Waikiki. This plan was abandoned when that title was used for a 1978 Burt Reynolds comedy that flopped at the box office.
The moon landing actually happened just as NASA reported. However, Neil Armstrong lost the film on the way home and the whole thing had to be recreated. To do this, all the Apollo 11 astronauts actually went right back to the moon and filmed the whole thing over again. There were also some aliens there too.
Most of the main Illuminati and aliens were running AT&T. They wanted AT&T broken up because one of the aliens spilled a full glass of wine on Nikola Tesla at a party in Hoboken in 1981 and there was a whole big thing about it and everyone was pissed. This ruined Tesla’s plan for him and Regis Philbin to control people by using high-intensity microbursts. Later, Tesla and Philbin invented a new people control technology, but it has only a short effective range. They are currently planning to install 726 mind control boxes in San Francisco to test the new technology.
Flouride is perfectly harmless and is effective at reducing tooth decay. However, the Council on Foreign Relations spread rumors that it is harmful pretty much just for kicks.
In 1982, Obama died in a Coca-Cola and Pop Rocks accident. He was replaced by an identical, but slightly less cool, copy.
Tupac Shakur faked his own death to pursue his real interest in professional football scouting. He actually died under mysterious circumstances in 2007 after advising the San Francisco 49ers to draft Alex Smith with the first overall pick of the 2005 NFL draft.
Years later, Franklin Roosevelt and the Bilderberg Group engineered Pearl Harbor to benefit International Paper, who would make the ration books used during the war. It was around this time that Moses appeared to L. Ron Hubbard and gave him a microfilm that contained all Scientific Knowledge in the Universe. Unfortunately, Hubbard ate part of the microfilm, thinking it was blotter acid, and mistranslated the rest. This would be the basis of Scientology.
After the war, David Rockefeller and the Trilateral Commission invented Jell-O as a mind control substance. When Jell-O proved ineffective, they switched tactics and began implanting subliminal messages in episodes of “Gunsmoke” and in Petula Clark albums. John F. Kennedy accidentally learned of the backward making operation and so Dean Martin was sent to kill him. Dean Martin is an alien. Lee Harvey Oswald just happened to be there. Jack Ruby accidentally shot Lee Harvey Oswald when he was supposed to shoot the startled-looking guy next to him, who was also an alien. This has nothing to do with the rest of this stuff; it was just some unrelated alien-on-alien violence.
Whoops.
In 1961, the second dinosaur egg hatched and Obama was born. Ironically, the egg had just been with Rockefeller in Kenya when Rockefeller was there on safari, but the egg actually hatched in the main galley of a TWA flight from Kinshasa to Montreal. When it was later learned that there may have been some alien egg residue left on the plane, it was shot down when it was flying as TWA Flight 800. The Masons decided to have a Hawaiian birth certificate prepared because the original plan was to make Hawaii and independent kingdom and Obama would be the King of Waikiki. This plan was abandoned when that title was used for a 1978 Burt Reynolds comedy that flopped at the box office.
The moon landing actually happened just as NASA reported. However, Neil Armstrong lost the film on the way home and the whole thing had to be recreated. To do this, all the Apollo 11 astronauts actually went right back to the moon and filmed the whole thing over again. There were also some aliens there too.
Most of the main Illuminati and aliens were running AT&T. They wanted AT&T broken up because one of the aliens spilled a full glass of wine on Nikola Tesla at a party in Hoboken in 1981 and there was a whole big thing about it and everyone was pissed. This ruined Tesla’s plan for him and Regis Philbin to control people by using high-intensity microbursts. Later, Tesla and Philbin invented a new people control technology, but it has only a short effective range. They are currently planning to install 726 mind control boxes in San Francisco to test the new technology.
Caution: Mind Control Box. (Photo courtesy of the SF Appeal, which is controlled by the Bohemian Club and Italian Freemasons.)
Flouride is perfectly harmless and is effective at reducing tooth decay. However, the Council on Foreign Relations spread rumors that it is harmful pretty much just for kicks.
In 1982, Obama died in a Coca-Cola and Pop Rocks accident. He was replaced by an identical, but slightly less cool, copy.
Tupac Shakur faked his own death to pursue his real interest in professional football scouting. He actually died under mysterious circumstances in 2007 after advising the San Francisco 49ers to draft Alex Smith with the first overall pick of the 2005 NFL draft.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
It's not a party without American Red Cups
Because of the crumbling Irish economy, each Irish citizen living in the US is required, by Irish law, to take in another Irish citizen and support him or her until conditions improve. Thus, we have a Girl From Ireland staying with us in our house.
Nah, I'm just shitting you. The GFI is actually The Wife's oldest friend since childhood, and she's staying with us voluntarily. Actually, I agreed to it when I was drunk and would never have otherwise consented to having a houseguest for 5 weeks but The Wife is good at taking advantage of me. I'm sorta kidding. I mean, GFI is perfectly nice and just as plucky and charming as you might imagine but having anyone in your house for 5 weeks is kind of a drag. Whatever, they're in Vegas right now and I'm revelling in the time alone.
Wait, this had a point. Oh yeah. So one of the benefits of having the GFI around is hearing about the Strange and Bizarre Customs of Her Land, and the one I'm impressed with most so far is the deep Irish need for American Red Cups at parties. (In all fairness, this seems to be a British-Isles-wide phenomenon, and not restricted to Ireland alone.) You know what I'm talking about:
So apparently having red Solo cups is the key to having a successful party in Ireland or Britain because, I don't know, they're American or something. Check it out:
You do see them in every American high school film! That's true! Anyway, as capitalism teaches, every untapped market will eventually be filled. And to fill the American Red Cup market, there's Redcups.ie, your premiere Irish source for American Red Cups! Behold:
20 cups for €4.50 (plus €2 delivery). That's right, for only about $9.20, your Irish pals can party like Desperate Housewives!
Note that the same plastic cups are widely available in white in Britain. White's no good! Remember this whenever people say Americans are weird.
Nah, I'm just shitting you. The GFI is actually The Wife's oldest friend since childhood, and she's staying with us voluntarily. Actually, I agreed to it when I was drunk and would never have otherwise consented to having a houseguest for 5 weeks but The Wife is good at taking advantage of me. I'm sorta kidding. I mean, GFI is perfectly nice and just as plucky and charming as you might imagine but having anyone in your house for 5 weeks is kind of a drag. Whatever, they're in Vegas right now and I'm revelling in the time alone.
Wait, this had a point. Oh yeah. So one of the benefits of having the GFI around is hearing about the Strange and Bizarre Customs of Her Land, and the one I'm impressed with most so far is the deep Irish need for American Red Cups at parties. (In all fairness, this seems to be a British-Isles-wide phenomenon, and not restricted to Ireland alone.) You know what I'm talking about:
So apparently having red Solo cups is the key to having a successful party in Ireland or Britain because, I don't know, they're American or something. Check it out:
You do see them in every American high school film! That's true! Anyway, as capitalism teaches, every untapped market will eventually be filled. And to fill the American Red Cup market, there's Redcups.ie, your premiere Irish source for American Red Cups! Behold:
The Red Cup has been made world famous by its appearence in films and sitcoms such as Desperate Housewives, Superbad, Roadtrip, American Pie, The Social Network, The Hills and music videos by Black Eyed Peas, Fergie, Pharrell Williams, Asher Roth and Ke$ha.
20 cups for €4.50 (plus €2 delivery). That's right, for only about $9.20, your Irish pals can party like Desperate Housewives!
Note that the same plastic cups are widely available in white in Britain. White's no good! Remember this whenever people say Americans are weird.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Things that infuriated me today
1. Tickets for TV on the Radio at The Independent went on sale at noon today. (Well, actually they went on sale a few days ago if you have an American Express card. I'm a normal person and don't have one so I had to wait until today.) At 12:00:01 I clicked "Purchase tickets" and it was ALREADY FUCKING SOLD OUT. FUCK YOU SCALPERS I HOPE YOU ALL DROWN IN A TUB OF HUMAN FECES AND VOMIT.
2. My ongoing War with United Airlines has now escalated, because today they told me I am NOT, in fact, getting the refund that they promised they would give me. I WILL NOT REST UNTIL UNITED AIRLINES IS BANKRUPTED AND THEIR CHAIRMAN IS FORCED TO HANDWASH EVERY URINAL AT CHICAGO-O'HARE. Anyway, now my credit card company is involved. This is not over, United Airlines. I shall see to it that you are destroyed, your offices razed to the ground, and the land where they were is sown with salt so nothing ever grows there again.
3. I'm not at the Giants' home opener. I am going Monday, though.
4. Not really THAT infuriating but my dog is undergoing dental treatment right now and I am embarrassed to say how much it is costing us for our dog to have a shiny white smile that will knock the ladeez out.
5. What, what, WHAT is it about the restaurant industry that makes EVERY GODDAM RESTAURANT think I want music to autoplay when I go to their fucking website? Is there just one web designer for the entire restaurant industry and he or she just fucking loves autoplaying shitty lounge music? Why don't, say, auto dealers or local news sites autoplay music instead of restaurants? Just fucking cut it out. You have GOT to believe us when we say: WE DO NOT WANT MUSIC TO AUTOPLAY WHEN WE COME TO YOUR WEBSITE.
There was something else but I forgot.
OK, I feel better now! Maybe writing a blog is therapeutic. I hope you have a good weekend! The Wife and The Chick Who's Visiting Us from Ireland are going to the Wiener Nationals tomorrow. What a world.
2. My ongoing War with United Airlines has now escalated, because today they told me I am NOT, in fact, getting the refund that they promised they would give me. I WILL NOT REST UNTIL UNITED AIRLINES IS BANKRUPTED AND THEIR CHAIRMAN IS FORCED TO HANDWASH EVERY URINAL AT CHICAGO-O'HARE. Anyway, now my credit card company is involved. This is not over, United Airlines. I shall see to it that you are destroyed, your offices razed to the ground, and the land where they were is sown with salt so nothing ever grows there again.
3. I'm not at the Giants' home opener. I am going Monday, though.
4. Not really THAT infuriating but my dog is undergoing dental treatment right now and I am embarrassed to say how much it is costing us for our dog to have a shiny white smile that will knock the ladeez out.
5. What, what, WHAT is it about the restaurant industry that makes EVERY GODDAM RESTAURANT think I want music to autoplay when I go to their fucking website? Is there just one web designer for the entire restaurant industry and he or she just fucking loves autoplaying shitty lounge music? Why don't, say, auto dealers or local news sites autoplay music instead of restaurants? Just fucking cut it out. You have GOT to believe us when we say: WE DO NOT WANT MUSIC TO AUTOPLAY WHEN WE COME TO YOUR WEBSITE.
There was something else but I forgot.
OK, I feel better now! Maybe writing a blog is therapeutic. I hope you have a good weekend! The Wife and The Chick Who's Visiting Us from Ireland are going to the Wiener Nationals tomorrow. What a world.
Monday, January 31, 2011
I watched Extreme Makeover Home Edition for the first time and I had some thoughts on that
I'm sorry, I don't mean to keep throwing blog posts out at you like they're beads at Mardi Gras and you're showing me your tits, but I forgot I wanted to talk about Extreme Makeover Home Edition. Now, as I understood it, what they do on this show is go to some especially impoverished family who also happens to do really great things and give them a new house, right? So if you live on $12 a day and you also just happen to be raising 13 Down Syndrome kids and you also started a soup kitchen in your garage, EMHE shows up and builds you a new house and then you cry and everyone cries.
SO last night I watched this show for the first time ever and the focus is on this family where one of the daughters died because she was texting while driving. And so now - I am not kidding about this - now they tow her death car around to schools and talk about not texting and driving. I mean, that's a good message and everything, but it seems a little morbid to me. Plus I don't know how you can text and drive. I can't even text and walk. I'm not a teenage girl, though.
There were so many weird things about this show that it's hard to know where to start. But here are a few:
1. Partway through this show, who shows up? JUSTIN BIEBER. I know, right? What the fuck? He signed a pledge not to text and drive. And then he had the Surviving Daughter and her pals out to NYC to watch him perform. Oddly, the whole episode seemed to be about Justin Bieber. OH he has a movie coming out. So it was basically a long-form ad for his new movie.
2. The family looked like they were doing OK! There were pictures of them on their trip to Turkey! I've never been to Turkey!
3. In their new house, one wall was all decorated up with stuff about not texting and driving. Super morbid! How would you like to be reminded of how your daughter died every day? Like if your brother died of a heart attack and one wall of your house was painted with the words HEART ATTACK or HEART ATTACKS KILL KILL KILL and pictures of hearts and stuff? You'd freak out, right?
4. They got like a life-size bronze statue of a bull and built a BBQ grill into it! And the SMOKE COMES OUT THE BULL'S NOSTRILS!!! SO FUCKING WEIRD.
5. The Wife, who has watched this show in the past, points out that they always do the same thing: they find one thing that someone's interested in and then blow it way way way out of proportion. Like say you happen to mention casually to the EMHE guys that you saw "The Godfather" once and thought it was a pretty good movie. Well, they'll run with that and Ty will go "You know, Jackson or whatever your name is is really into The Godfather! Let's build a Godfather-themed Italian restaurant right into the house!!!!!!"
6. Really, did they run out of single moms who take in tons of kids and raise them? They're all good? Are we down to families whose daughter died while texting and who, coincidentally, could use a new house to keep their shit in when they're not busy jetting off to Turkey?
SO last night I watched this show for the first time ever and the focus is on this family where one of the daughters died because she was texting while driving. And so now - I am not kidding about this - now they tow her death car around to schools and talk about not texting and driving. I mean, that's a good message and everything, but it seems a little morbid to me. Plus I don't know how you can text and drive. I can't even text and walk. I'm not a teenage girl, though.
There were so many weird things about this show that it's hard to know where to start. But here are a few:
1. Partway through this show, who shows up? JUSTIN BIEBER. I know, right? What the fuck? He signed a pledge not to text and drive. And then he had the Surviving Daughter and her pals out to NYC to watch him perform. Oddly, the whole episode seemed to be about Justin Bieber. OH he has a movie coming out. So it was basically a long-form ad for his new movie.
2. The family looked like they were doing OK! There were pictures of them on their trip to Turkey! I've never been to Turkey!
3. In their new house, one wall was all decorated up with stuff about not texting and driving. Super morbid! How would you like to be reminded of how your daughter died every day? Like if your brother died of a heart attack and one wall of your house was painted with the words HEART ATTACK or HEART ATTACKS KILL KILL KILL and pictures of hearts and stuff? You'd freak out, right?
4. They got like a life-size bronze statue of a bull and built a BBQ grill into it! And the SMOKE COMES OUT THE BULL'S NOSTRILS!!! SO FUCKING WEIRD.
5. The Wife, who has watched this show in the past, points out that they always do the same thing: they find one thing that someone's interested in and then blow it way way way out of proportion. Like say you happen to mention casually to the EMHE guys that you saw "The Godfather" once and thought it was a pretty good movie. Well, they'll run with that and Ty will go "You know, Jackson or whatever your name is is really into The Godfather! Let's build a Godfather-themed Italian restaurant right into the house!!!!!!"
6. Really, did they run out of single moms who take in tons of kids and raise them? They're all good? Are we down to families whose daughter died while texting and who, coincidentally, could use a new house to keep their shit in when they're not busy jetting off to Turkey?
Monday, December 27, 2010
Xmas is over and it's time to bitch
Happy Monday. I hope you had a good Christmas or Chanukah or whatever the fuck you do. I wish I could say I was in a better mood but I've been drinking for like a week straight and I'm tired and cranky now.
Have you seen this ad?
What the fuck. First of all, if you've got robots that are so advanced that they can engage in robot hand-to-hand combat, wouldn't somebody have thought to install a Robot Destroyer Laser? I mean, these fuckers are million-dollar machines fighting with Stone Age technology. It's like having a steam-powered Blu-Ray player. "Hold on, we'll watch the rest of Avatar as soon as I put more coal in the boiler!"
Second thing: Jesus Christ, dude, did you know it's possible to fucking exist for more than 30 seconds without watching TV? It's a subpar sci-fi film, not a fucking dialysis machine. I think you can fucking live without this bullshit for the seconds it takes to make a cup of tea and get to the bedroom. Fuck.
Next: I occasionally listen to "Fresh Air" on NPR because I'm a Coastal Elite and that's how we do. I was just listening to the podcast from 12/23 because I obviously have nothing better to listen to this morning. So we have Music Critic Ken Tucker's list of the Best Albums of 2010 and boy is Ken Tucker wrong as fuck. His best album is by someone called Tracy Thorn. It's horrible. Here's a song from it. See what I mean?
Oh, as it turns out she's the chick from Everything But the Girl. Figures.
He also has Joanna Newsom on his list so you can tell he's showing off for other rock critics. The only people who listen to Joanna Newsom are rock critics and the mentally insane.
(I know this is going to make me sound pretentious as fuck, but I really liked Kanye's album. Also: The Monitor, by Titus Andronicus; This Is Happening, by LCD Soundsystem; Wavves' King of the Beach and a bunch of other stuff I'm not going to get into here because the last thing the world needs is another douchebag pontificating about music.)
Have you seen this ad?
What the fuck. First of all, if you've got robots that are so advanced that they can engage in robot hand-to-hand combat, wouldn't somebody have thought to install a Robot Destroyer Laser? I mean, these fuckers are million-dollar machines fighting with Stone Age technology. It's like having a steam-powered Blu-Ray player. "Hold on, we'll watch the rest of Avatar as soon as I put more coal in the boiler!"
Second thing: Jesus Christ, dude, did you know it's possible to fucking exist for more than 30 seconds without watching TV? It's a subpar sci-fi film, not a fucking dialysis machine. I think you can fucking live without this bullshit for the seconds it takes to make a cup of tea and get to the bedroom. Fuck.
Next: I occasionally listen to "Fresh Air" on NPR because I'm a Coastal Elite and that's how we do. I was just listening to the podcast from 12/23 because I obviously have nothing better to listen to this morning. So we have Music Critic Ken Tucker's list of the Best Albums of 2010 and boy is Ken Tucker wrong as fuck. His best album is by someone called Tracy Thorn. It's horrible. Here's a song from it. See what I mean?
Oh, as it turns out she's the chick from Everything But the Girl. Figures.
He also has Joanna Newsom on his list so you can tell he's showing off for other rock critics. The only people who listen to Joanna Newsom are rock critics and the mentally insane.
(I know this is going to make me sound pretentious as fuck, but I really liked Kanye's album. Also: The Monitor, by Titus Andronicus; This Is Happening, by LCD Soundsystem; Wavves' King of the Beach and a bunch of other stuff I'm not going to get into here because the last thing the world needs is another douchebag pontificating about music.)
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Today's Worst Groupon of the Day
$50 for a Narrated, GPS-Guided GoCar Tour ($103 Value)
Hey, ever wanted to feel like a complete fucking idiot? I guess you could wear a WWE t-shirt or watch an episode of "Two and a Half Men," but what if you wanted to get some fresh air and see some sights at the same time?
Ever feel like tooling around town in a banana-yellow plastic box with a lawnmower engine while wearing a helmet and trying to pretend people aren't laughing at you?
Then Groupon has a deal for you.
That's right! For only $50, instead of $103, you can be one of those people! VROOM VROOM! It has a racing stripe. You have finished First in the Please Kill Me 500.
(Incidentally, in case you haven't heard, Google is in the process of buying Groupon for FIVE BILLION DOLLARS. I am not fucking kidding. FIVE FUCKING BILLION DOLLARS. I mean, obvi people like Groupon and it's a big success all around and YAY LOOK WE GOT 20 CUPCAKES FOR $5 and whatnot, but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST $5,000,000,000?!!?! WHAT THE FUCK.)
(So at first I was like "Awww, I shouldn't make fun of plucky little Groupon, but FUCK THAT. Now the founder of Groupon who's probably 24 years old and was born after Scooby-Doo went off the air is going to be filling his hot tub with $100 bills and Cristal and Thai hookers.)
Now, when I see someone in a GoCar - which isn't very often, since I'm rarely in the Fisherman's Wharf area, except when I need to pick up an "Alcatraz Mental Ward" sweatshirt or eat at Bubba Gump's - I usually resist the urge to cut them off and see how a GoCar fares against an American-made bumper, but I can't guarantee that all drivers will be so charitable.
(SIDE NOTE: Have you ever looked at the list of stores in Pier 39? HOLY SHIT. "Lefty's, the Left Hand Store"! 2 different magnet stores! "WE BE KNIVES"!!!! The mind reels.)
This has been your Worst Groupon of the Day.
Hey, ever wanted to feel like a complete fucking idiot? I guess you could wear a WWE t-shirt or watch an episode of "Two and a Half Men," but what if you wanted to get some fresh air and see some sights at the same time?
Ever feel like tooling around town in a banana-yellow plastic box with a lawnmower engine while wearing a helmet and trying to pretend people aren't laughing at you?
Then Groupon has a deal for you.
We may be smiling, but our souls are dying.
That's right! For only $50, instead of $103, you can be one of those people! VROOM VROOM! It has a racing stripe. You have finished First in the Please Kill Me 500.
(Incidentally, in case you haven't heard, Google is in the process of buying Groupon for FIVE BILLION DOLLARS. I am not fucking kidding. FIVE FUCKING BILLION DOLLARS. I mean, obvi people like Groupon and it's a big success all around and YAY LOOK WE GOT 20 CUPCAKES FOR $5 and whatnot, but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST $5,000,000,000?!!?! WHAT THE FUCK.)
(So at first I was like "Awww, I shouldn't make fun of plucky little Groupon, but FUCK THAT. Now the founder of Groupon who's probably 24 years old and was born after Scooby-Doo went off the air is going to be filling his hot tub with $100 bills and Cristal and Thai hookers.)
Now, when I see someone in a GoCar - which isn't very often, since I'm rarely in the Fisherman's Wharf area, except when I need to pick up an "Alcatraz Mental Ward" sweatshirt or eat at Bubba Gump's - I usually resist the urge to cut them off and see how a GoCar fares against an American-made bumper, but I can't guarantee that all drivers will be so charitable.
(SIDE NOTE: Have you ever looked at the list of stores in Pier 39? HOLY SHIT. "Lefty's, the Left Hand Store"! 2 different magnet stores! "WE BE KNIVES"!!!! The mind reels.)
This has been your Worst Groupon of the Day.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Mad Men #13: FMK
Ummmmmmm, OK, how about: Faye, Meghan, and Dr. Rape.
Friends, we are here. We have reached the End of Our Journey and it has been a strange one, what with the Chocolate Bunnies and the slapping and all the trips to California and whatnot. Now I can finally stop taking notes while watching the TV.
Let’s kick things off with Faye over at Don’s place. He’s got a “sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.” Maybe he read the spoilers on Twitter, too! Faye’s the one who should have the sick feeling, speaking of spoilers. OH SNAP.
Don’s taking a meeting with the American Cancer Society. For the first time ever on this show, there’s a meeting where everyone’s not smoking. Looks like ACS has the same offices as the Susan Ross Foundation on “Seinfeld.” Back at the office, Ken won’t play ball and ask his Father in Law to join a foursome. I think they’re talking about golf. God, I hope so.
Did you know that Creeper Glen is played by Matthew Weiner’s son? It’s a good thing Dad runs the show, because that kid cannot fucking act. I mean, I’m sorry and it feels bad to criticize a 12-year-old or however old he is, but it’s really apparent when he does all these scenes with Kiernan Shipka and she’s basically Meryl Streeping his Keanu all over the floor. ANYWAY Creeper Glen shows up at Chez Bets to say goodbye to Sally since they’re moving to Rye and CG says “I say goodbye to people all the time” in his creepy Children of the Corn way and Betty comes home and he is so BUSTED and then she gets mad and fucking FIRES CARLA!?! BITCH! You can’t go around firing Carla! She was cool and plus now the show is whiter than the Brady Bunch.
So Don’s off to Cali again and needs some help with the kids. Maybe Megan wants to come! That’s a good audition for the Mrs. Draper role that’s currently open. As a matter of fact, she does want to come! To California, I mean. Nudge nudge. So off they go and they are in the COOLEST HOTEL ROOM OF ALL TIME and Megan is teaching the kids some weird-ass foreign songs and generally being cool. Meanwhile, Don goes over to visit Stephanie, who looks like she could have just walked out of Pop's. I guess hipsters always look like hipsters. She gives him Anna’s old engagement ring. HMMMM MAYBE FORESHADOWING?????
Back at the hotel, Don’s having a High Life and reading some Le Carre. He goes next door to see Meg. She was told she can never become an actress with teeth like that. She is a little horsey, to be fair. But cute enough! Time to get it on like Donkey Kong. These two. Always with the sexing. Then the next day she’s got the kids at the Super Cool Diner and one of them knocks over a milkshake and Megs is just cool as a cucumber and we’re supposed to think that Betty would be FREAKING OUT and going “FUCK YOU, YOU LITTLE MONSTERS, YOU’RE GETTING MILKSHAKE ON MY BEAUTY” and instead Meg is all “I got this,” and Don’s like “Whoa.”
Hey, what’s this now? Peggy’s drumming up some bidness with Topaz pantyhose! No one’s very excited. I’m not that excited either. “Topaz, it is a brand of pantyhose.” They’re going to have to come up with something catchier than that!
Then we get to the big moment. Don proposes to Megan! “Megan, will you accept this dead chick’s ring? Hopefully whatever she had isn’t contagious.” And she’s all “I don’t know what to say.” It’s fucking Don Draper, figure it out. Later Peggy comes in and she’s like “Are you going to fuck or marry every chick in this office but me?” She’s got a point! Don calls Faye to dump her. I don’t know, man, I think they’ve been on 5 dates and the rule is that you have to dump someone in person if it’s been 5 dates. But she doesn’t want to meet up. Oh well. Bye, Faye!
So Joan’s on the phone with Dr. Very Short Lifespan. I’m kind of amazed he doesn’t get blown up during their conversation. Wait, he knows she’s pregnant? I guess she’s keeping the baby. Honestly, can you ever hear that phrase without “Papa Don’t Preach” popping into your head? Anyway, he’s just as slimy as ever. He’s gonna look good in a casket, though!
I hope next season starts in 1976. I want Don in a leisure suit, hot-tubbing with a couple of stewardesses.
Friends, we are here. We have reached the End of Our Journey and it has been a strange one, what with the Chocolate Bunnies and the slapping and all the trips to California and whatnot. Now I can finally stop taking notes while watching the TV.
Let’s kick things off with Faye over at Don’s place. He’s got a “sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.” Maybe he read the spoilers on Twitter, too! Faye’s the one who should have the sick feeling, speaking of spoilers. OH SNAP.
Don’s taking a meeting with the American Cancer Society. For the first time ever on this show, there’s a meeting where everyone’s not smoking. Looks like ACS has the same offices as the Susan Ross Foundation on “Seinfeld.” Back at the office, Ken won’t play ball and ask his Father in Law to join a foursome. I think they’re talking about golf. God, I hope so.
Did you know that Creeper Glen is played by Matthew Weiner’s son? It’s a good thing Dad runs the show, because that kid cannot fucking act. I mean, I’m sorry and it feels bad to criticize a 12-year-old or however old he is, but it’s really apparent when he does all these scenes with Kiernan Shipka and she’s basically Meryl Streeping his Keanu all over the floor. ANYWAY Creeper Glen shows up at Chez Bets to say goodbye to Sally since they’re moving to Rye and CG says “I say goodbye to people all the time” in his creepy Children of the Corn way and Betty comes home and he is so BUSTED and then she gets mad and fucking FIRES CARLA!?! BITCH! You can’t go around firing Carla! She was cool and plus now the show is whiter than the Brady Bunch.
So Don’s off to Cali again and needs some help with the kids. Maybe Megan wants to come! That’s a good audition for the Mrs. Draper role that’s currently open. As a matter of fact, she does want to come! To California, I mean. Nudge nudge. So off they go and they are in the COOLEST HOTEL ROOM OF ALL TIME and Megan is teaching the kids some weird-ass foreign songs and generally being cool. Meanwhile, Don goes over to visit Stephanie, who looks like she could have just walked out of Pop's. I guess hipsters always look like hipsters. She gives him Anna’s old engagement ring. HMMMM MAYBE FORESHADOWING?????
Back at the hotel, Don’s having a High Life and reading some Le Carre. He goes next door to see Meg. She was told she can never become an actress with teeth like that. She is a little horsey, to be fair. But cute enough! Time to get it on like Donkey Kong. These two. Always with the sexing. Then the next day she’s got the kids at the Super Cool Diner and one of them knocks over a milkshake and Megs is just cool as a cucumber and we’re supposed to think that Betty would be FREAKING OUT and going “FUCK YOU, YOU LITTLE MONSTERS, YOU’RE GETTING MILKSHAKE ON MY BEAUTY” and instead Meg is all “I got this,” and Don’s like “Whoa.”
Hey, what’s this now? Peggy’s drumming up some bidness with Topaz pantyhose! No one’s very excited. I’m not that excited either. “Topaz, it is a brand of pantyhose.” They’re going to have to come up with something catchier than that!
Then we get to the big moment. Don proposes to Megan! “Megan, will you accept this dead chick’s ring? Hopefully whatever she had isn’t contagious.” And she’s all “I don’t know what to say.” It’s fucking Don Draper, figure it out. Later Peggy comes in and she’s like “Are you going to fuck or marry every chick in this office but me?” She’s got a point! Don calls Faye to dump her. I don’t know, man, I think they’ve been on 5 dates and the rule is that you have to dump someone in person if it’s been 5 dates. But she doesn’t want to meet up. Oh well. Bye, Faye!
So Joan’s on the phone with Dr. Very Short Lifespan. I’m kind of amazed he doesn’t get blown up during their conversation. Wait, he knows she’s pregnant? I guess she’s keeping the baby. Honestly, can you ever hear that phrase without “Papa Don’t Preach” popping into your head? Anyway, he’s just as slimy as ever. He’s gonna look good in a casket, though!
I hope next season starts in 1976. I want Don in a leisure suit, hot-tubbing with a couple of stewardesses.
The 5-minute campaign: A proposal
Is everyone else as sick of political ads and campaigning in general as I am? I've got fucking Rafael Mandelman knocking on my door at 10 a.m. on a Sunday which is still Early Time at my house and leaving me mash notes that say "SORRY I MISSED YOU!! LOVE U LOTS!!! XXOO RAFFI" or something like that and every 30 seconds on TV I have to see an ad about Texas oil companies funding Prop Something and Carly Fiorina shipping jobs overseas and GOD SO MANY MEG WHITMAN ADS MAKE IT STOP.
Last Saturday we gave up and put a sign at the bottom of our stairs that said "No Canvassers Please" and you know what? It was SO NICE not having anyone knock on our door and our dog FREAK OUT and lose his shit for one day.
I have an idea for political ads, and here it is. All politicians running for office get ONE, 5-minute ad, and THAT'S IT. You can do whatever you want with your 5 minutes, but you better make it count, because that's all you get. You can gaze meaningfully at the Bright Future or you can spend the whole time talking about what a shitpile your opponent is, but at the end of 5 minutes, YOU ARE FUCKING DONE.
Wouldn't that be nice? Don't give me any First Amendment crap about how this violates free speech either. The First Amendment says "Congress shall make no law . . . abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press," but guess what? The freedom of speech and of the press is abridged all over the place every day. Want proof? Try putting a show called "Fucking Orgies" on ABC during primetime and see what happens. The FCC fined Fox $25,000 for a horse ejaculation joke, so you can guess what would happen to our new show "Fucking Orgies."
ANYWAY. I'll do the Mad Men recap later. I'm in the middle of something here.
Last Saturday we gave up and put a sign at the bottom of our stairs that said "No Canvassers Please" and you know what? It was SO NICE not having anyone knock on our door and our dog FREAK OUT and lose his shit for one day.
I have an idea for political ads, and here it is. All politicians running for office get ONE, 5-minute ad, and THAT'S IT. You can do whatever you want with your 5 minutes, but you better make it count, because that's all you get. You can gaze meaningfully at the Bright Future or you can spend the whole time talking about what a shitpile your opponent is, but at the end of 5 minutes, YOU ARE FUCKING DONE.
Wouldn't that be nice? Don't give me any First Amendment crap about how this violates free speech either. The First Amendment says "Congress shall make no law . . . abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press," but guess what? The freedom of speech and of the press is abridged all over the place every day. Want proof? Try putting a show called "Fucking Orgies" on ABC during primetime and see what happens. The FCC fined Fox $25,000 for a horse ejaculation joke, so you can guess what would happen to our new show "Fucking Orgies."
ANYWAY. I'll do the Mad Men recap later. I'm in the middle of something here.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Mad Men #12: Why I'm Quitting Tobacco. Not personally, I mean.
Man, this whole operation is going down the tubes. Don's trying to scare up some Bean Business with Mr. Heinz, but they won't commit because SCDP might not be around in 6 mos.! That's some bullshit! But he's right about one thing. Pickles are funny.
The business consultant guy or whoever he is who looks like Dr. Bunsen Honeydew says SCDP should stick with what they know: delicious cigarettes. There's gonna be a new brand of Chick Smokes. Are we seeing the birth of Virginia Slims? Awesome.
HEY SWEET CREEPER GLEN IS BACK. He's chatting up Sally while wearing an Arizona Cardinals uniform. They talk a lot about Bets. WONDER WHY. But hey, any excuse to get Creeper Glen back in the mix. Later we see Sally playing Go Fish with Dr. Edna. My shrink never played Go Fish with me! Fuck, for $125 an hour I should have gotten fucking Baccarat. Then later Bets catches Sally hanging out with Glen and Glen bolts even though they're not doing anything. YET, anyway.
Don runs into Midge from the Village. Remember her? She was that boho chick he was banging in season 1 or 2 or thereabouts and smoking The Pot and reading Frank O'Hara and all that jazz. LITERALLY. Anyway, she's looking pretty good but she's on the smack. Let's go over to Midge's for some whiskey and chicken cordon bleu with her creepy-ass husband. She's running some kind of art for sex scheme. DD throws her some money and takes Number 4. Oh, Midge. You've really let yourself go. You know what else is like drinking 100 bottles of whiskey while someone licks your tits? Pride in a job well done! Not really.
Dr. Honeydew comes around again and tells everyone at SCDP there's no cig company business after all. FAIL. Shit is going downhill. Everyone freaks out. Peggy wants to change SCDP's name. They should change it to "BBDO"! Those guys seem to be doing well. They could probably get a ton of business just by accident. Oh wait, even better, how about just "Puppies"? Everyone loves puppies!
Back at Don's pad, he stares at Number 4 for a LONG TIME and then oh shit he's gonna write in the journal and here comes that awful voiceover oh wait no, it's cool, he's writing "Why I'm Quitting Tobacco" and publishing it in the New York Times and basically being a fucking GAME CHANGER and being DISRUPTIVE and all kinds of dot com startup bullshit. Um, the other partners don't like it so much. Bert hates it so much that he's taking his shoes and leaving. That's sad! I'll miss Weird Old Bert. Then that fucking Ted Chaughough calls up and pretends to beMayor Quimby Robert Kennedy and HA HA HA I hope you get killed by a hippie who writes "KILL THE PIGS" in blood on your wall.
Hey, where did Don get all that damn money? He's walking around with $125 in cash, which is like $7,500 in today's money and he's paying Pete's partnership stake and basically he's just got gobs of fucking cash.
Next week's the season finale. I'm rooting for a "Who shot Ted Chaoughough?" cliffhanger.
The business consultant guy or whoever he is who looks like Dr. Bunsen Honeydew says SCDP should stick with what they know: delicious cigarettes. There's gonna be a new brand of Chick Smokes. Are we seeing the birth of Virginia Slims? Awesome.
HEY SWEET CREEPER GLEN IS BACK. He's chatting up Sally while wearing an Arizona Cardinals uniform. They talk a lot about Bets. WONDER WHY. But hey, any excuse to get Creeper Glen back in the mix. Later we see Sally playing Go Fish with Dr. Edna. My shrink never played Go Fish with me! Fuck, for $125 an hour I should have gotten fucking Baccarat. Then later Bets catches Sally hanging out with Glen and Glen bolts even though they're not doing anything. YET, anyway.
Don runs into Midge from the Village. Remember her? She was that boho chick he was banging in season 1 or 2 or thereabouts and smoking The Pot and reading Frank O'Hara and all that jazz. LITERALLY. Anyway, she's looking pretty good but she's on the smack. Let's go over to Midge's for some whiskey and chicken cordon bleu with her creepy-ass husband. She's running some kind of art for sex scheme. DD throws her some money and takes Number 4. Oh, Midge. You've really let yourself go. You know what else is like drinking 100 bottles of whiskey while someone licks your tits? Pride in a job well done! Not really.
Dr. Honeydew comes around again and tells everyone at SCDP there's no cig company business after all. FAIL. Shit is going downhill. Everyone freaks out. Peggy wants to change SCDP's name. They should change it to "BBDO"! Those guys seem to be doing well. They could probably get a ton of business just by accident. Oh wait, even better, how about just "Puppies"? Everyone loves puppies!
Back at Don's pad, he stares at Number 4 for a LONG TIME and then oh shit he's gonna write in the journal and here comes that awful voiceover oh wait no, it's cool, he's writing "Why I'm Quitting Tobacco" and publishing it in the New York Times and basically being a fucking GAME CHANGER and being DISRUPTIVE and all kinds of dot com startup bullshit. Um, the other partners don't like it so much. Bert hates it so much that he's taking his shoes and leaving. That's sad! I'll miss Weird Old Bert. Then that fucking Ted Chaughough calls up and pretends to be
Hey, where did Don get all that damn money? He's walking around with $125 in cash, which is like $7,500 in today's money and he's paying Pete's partnership stake and basically he's just got gobs of fucking cash.
Next week's the season finale. I'm rooting for a "Who shot Ted Chaoughough?" cliffhanger.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Mad Men #11: Stop me at 3. This is 1.
Only 2 more weeks! Before we get started, stop what you’re doing, get down upon your knees and watch Jon Hamm on “Between Two Ferns.”
OK, we begin at a lesbian beach party or something and Stalker Abe is all crushed up on Pegs and they go back to her place and he’s all “God I love your shoulders” and man, that line works 100% of the time because they’re hitting it.
Meanwhile, Cosgrove and his butchy wife or fiancée or whatever are out to dinner with Leland Palmer. Some advertising douche tells Cos that Lucky Strike bailed and he’s all “O RLY?” and ad douche is like “YA RLY,” and Cos has to go and Leland Palmer looks upset. After some minor interstitial scenes that aren’t worth getting into this leads to an Important Office Meeting with All Our Leads and Roger’s all like “No way, doodz” and he pulls the Old Fake Phone Call and you gotta be shitting me, no one notices? SO FAKE. If Bert Cooper would look up from his tentacle porn, he’d even notice.
Pete keeps coming to the hospital. I think Trudy is either getting some Botox or is about to have a baby. Dad in Law wants Pete to join Ted Chaoughough. Pete’s not too crazy about this idea. Ted sweetens the deal by offering to teach him how to drive! Awww, that’s sweet. Maybe take him to a ballgame and get him some cotton candy and that’ll do the trick.
Here’s the Big Office Meeting we’ve been expecting. Are they going to sing Happy Birthday? No, they’re going to say that everyone’s losing their jobs. No, they’re saying everything’s fine. That’s probably not true. Peggy’s getting back to work on the Playtex account. This will be the dirtiest ad campaign in history. “Playtex keeps your hands soft, so handjobs are better!” No wait, how about “Playtex…for soft, vaginalike hands.” Hmmmm, no, something like that, though. Speaking of the sex, here comes Stalker Abe. He’s posing as a delivery man! Here is your Special Delivery! Of sex in your office!
There’s a whole Roger-Joan thing that lasts all episode and it’s mostly Roger calling up Joan and whining and begging for it. It’s like the 1965 equivalent of a text at 2 a.m. that says “hey wanna fuk lol.” Finally he goes over to her place and she dumps him in person. But does she still have his baby? DUN DUN DUN.
Later, what’s his face sexually harasses Pegs for a while and then doesn’t tell her that she has lipstick on her teeth and she gives the Playtex presentation looking like she’s just been feasting on dead infants. This is a good look for Playtex, though, because they seem to like it. She’s also wearing her cheerleader outfit again which also might help.
Late night meeting with Don and his new Canadian Sexretary. About damn time. That Faye was getting all difficult with her “No, I won’t give you my secret information.” She eventually gives him a hot tip on the vinegar sauce and beans account at Heinz or something. Meanwhile, Sexretary wants to learn what goes on here. What goes on here is sex and drinking. It’s like spring break but with better clothes. She’s an artist from Montreal. Whatever, let’s bang.
OK, we begin at a lesbian beach party or something and Stalker Abe is all crushed up on Pegs and they go back to her place and he’s all “God I love your shoulders” and man, that line works 100% of the time because they’re hitting it.
Meanwhile, Cosgrove and his butchy wife or fiancée or whatever are out to dinner with Leland Palmer. Some advertising douche tells Cos that Lucky Strike bailed and he’s all “O RLY?” and ad douche is like “YA RLY,” and Cos has to go and Leland Palmer looks upset. After some minor interstitial scenes that aren’t worth getting into this leads to an Important Office Meeting with All Our Leads and Roger’s all like “No way, doodz” and he pulls the Old Fake Phone Call and you gotta be shitting me, no one notices? SO FAKE. If Bert Cooper would look up from his tentacle porn, he’d even notice.
Pete keeps coming to the hospital. I think Trudy is either getting some Botox or is about to have a baby. Dad in Law wants Pete to join Ted Chaoughough. Pete’s not too crazy about this idea. Ted sweetens the deal by offering to teach him how to drive! Awww, that’s sweet. Maybe take him to a ballgame and get him some cotton candy and that’ll do the trick.
Here’s the Big Office Meeting we’ve been expecting. Are they going to sing Happy Birthday? No, they’re going to say that everyone’s losing their jobs. No, they’re saying everything’s fine. That’s probably not true. Peggy’s getting back to work on the Playtex account. This will be the dirtiest ad campaign in history. “Playtex keeps your hands soft, so handjobs are better!” No wait, how about “Playtex…for soft, vaginalike hands.” Hmmmm, no, something like that, though. Speaking of the sex, here comes Stalker Abe. He’s posing as a delivery man! Here is your Special Delivery! Of sex in your office!
There’s a whole Roger-Joan thing that lasts all episode and it’s mostly Roger calling up Joan and whining and begging for it. It’s like the 1965 equivalent of a text at 2 a.m. that says “hey wanna fuk lol.” Finally he goes over to her place and she dumps him in person. But does she still have his baby? DUN DUN DUN.
Later, what’s his face sexually harasses Pegs for a while and then doesn’t tell her that she has lipstick on her teeth and she gives the Playtex presentation looking like she’s just been feasting on dead infants. This is a good look for Playtex, though, because they seem to like it. She’s also wearing her cheerleader outfit again which also might help.
Late night meeting with Don and his new Canadian Sexretary. About damn time. That Faye was getting all difficult with her “No, I won’t give you my secret information.” She eventually gives him a hot tip on the vinegar sauce and beans account at Heinz or something. Meanwhile, Sexretary wants to learn what goes on here. What goes on here is sex and drinking. It’s like spring break but with better clothes. She’s an artist from Montreal. Whatever, let’s bang.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Mad Men #10: Guess who's not getting a "Best Dad Ever" mug for Christmas this year?
Here are a few surprises: Joan's pregnant! And Sally gets to see The Beatles! And Lane has a Black Girlfriend!
First things first. Joan's knocked up and tells Roger. He wants to know if she's seen the 1978 Billy Crystal vehicle "The Rabbit Test". Oh wait, I might have that wrong. He wants to know if she's had a rabbit test. Joan only buys cruelty-free cosmetics, so the answer is no. Later, they go to the doctor, who has all the affable likability of Josef Mengele. Have you ever noticed that doctors on this show, as a rule, are not exactly portrayed lovingly? Someone had a bad experience at the doctor's as a child! I'M ON TO YOU MATTHEW WEINER.
Anyway, Rog wants to keep the baby but this is a bad idea, even though Doctor Rape is never, ever coming back from Vietnam and Rog seems to think that every Army Wife has been knocked up by the neighbor. Plus, the last thing the world needs is the Unholy Offspring of Roger and Joan. So, following a little pregnancy boozing & smoking, Joan's off to the Abortion Doc, who thankfully does not appear on camera because I'd hate to see what Weiner would do with him.
So Joan has the aborsh and that's the end of that. Or at least I think she does! Were they like making it all ambiguous so we don't know? MYSTERY. Also, I see big things in Hilary's future and it's probably for the best.
Speaking of the Folsom Street Fair, HERE'S LANE'S DAD! Lane thinks he's getting a visit from the Too-Obviously-Named Nigel, who I gather is his kid, and instead SURPRISE IT'S DISTANT AND DIFFICULT DAD INSTEAD. At least, I hope that's what happened, or Lane's gift of stuffed animals and balloons is WAY creepier than I thought. Lane and Dad and Don all go to the Playboy Club for dinner and Lane makes a big show of inviting his Black Girlfriend over and Dad's all like "Whatever" and Don's all like "Whatever" and it's pretty much a bust. Then later Lane meets up with her and calls her his "Chocolate Bunny" and I almost died from how awesome that is.
Lane's Dad comes over and Lane and Chocolate Bunny are there and they're all about to go out and, whoops, Guess Who's Not Coming to Dinner? (I stole that joke from Julia, or I think it was Julia, I was kind of buzzed, so credit her for that or whoever said it.) Nobody's coming to dinner is who because Chocolate Bunny leaves and then Dad smacks Lane with his cane and then steps on his hand! WHOA, ABUSIVE DAD! Don pays good money for this kind of shit and you're just giving it away!
OK, meanwhile SCDP is trying to get this big Defense Contractor client because cigarettes and Vicks Vapo-Rub aren't evil enough. So this leads to a big background check and Holy Shit now everyone's going to find out about Don's Secret History! Well, unless he can put a stop to it. Don is FREAKING OUT and tells Pete to call someone he knows or something and put a stop to this. Then he goes and just tells Faye all about it! WTF!
Oh, 2 more things: Lee Garner from Lucky Strikes fires SCDP and this is going to be big trouble, and Trudy is EXTREMELY PREGNANT. Next week is going to be the tits, I can already tell.
First things first. Joan's knocked up and tells Roger. He wants to know if she's seen the 1978 Billy Crystal vehicle "The Rabbit Test". Oh wait, I might have that wrong. He wants to know if she's had a rabbit test. Joan only buys cruelty-free cosmetics, so the answer is no. Later, they go to the doctor, who has all the affable likability of Josef Mengele. Have you ever noticed that doctors on this show, as a rule, are not exactly portrayed lovingly? Someone had a bad experience at the doctor's as a child! I'M ON TO YOU MATTHEW WEINER.
Anyway, Rog wants to keep the baby but this is a bad idea, even though Doctor Rape is never, ever coming back from Vietnam and Rog seems to think that every Army Wife has been knocked up by the neighbor. Plus, the last thing the world needs is the Unholy Offspring of Roger and Joan. So, following a little pregnancy boozing & smoking, Joan's off to the Abortion Doc, who thankfully does not appear on camera because I'd hate to see what Weiner would do with him.
So Joan has the aborsh and that's the end of that. Or at least I think she does! Were they like making it all ambiguous so we don't know? MYSTERY. Also, I see big things in Hilary's future and it's probably for the best.
Speaking of the Folsom Street Fair, HERE'S LANE'S DAD! Lane thinks he's getting a visit from the Too-Obviously-Named Nigel, who I gather is his kid, and instead SURPRISE IT'S DISTANT AND DIFFICULT DAD INSTEAD. At least, I hope that's what happened, or Lane's gift of stuffed animals and balloons is WAY creepier than I thought. Lane and Dad and Don all go to the Playboy Club for dinner and Lane makes a big show of inviting his Black Girlfriend over and Dad's all like "Whatever" and Don's all like "Whatever" and it's pretty much a bust. Then later Lane meets up with her and calls her his "Chocolate Bunny" and I almost died from how awesome that is.
Lane's Dad comes over and Lane and Chocolate Bunny are there and they're all about to go out and, whoops, Guess Who's Not Coming to Dinner? (I stole that joke from Julia, or I think it was Julia, I was kind of buzzed, so credit her for that or whoever said it.) Nobody's coming to dinner is who because Chocolate Bunny leaves and then Dad smacks Lane with his cane and then steps on his hand! WHOA, ABUSIVE DAD! Don pays good money for this kind of shit and you're just giving it away!
OK, meanwhile SCDP is trying to get this big Defense Contractor client because cigarettes and Vicks Vapo-Rub aren't evil enough. So this leads to a big background check and Holy Shit now everyone's going to find out about Don's Secret History! Well, unless he can put a stop to it. Don is FREAKING OUT and tells Pete to call someone he knows or something and put a stop to this. Then he goes and just tells Faye all about it! WTF!
Oh, 2 more things: Lee Garner from Lucky Strikes fires SCDP and this is going to be big trouble, and Trudy is EXTREMELY PREGNANT. Next week is going to be the tits, I can already tell.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Mad Men #9: She seemed fine a minute ago!
Well, well. Like all right-thinking women, Faye has finally succumbed to Don Draper’s charms and is giving up the goods in a most furniture-disturbing way. She better get slappy if she wants this to be a recurring role, though, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. Then DD takes off and leaves her in his apartment with the awesome line “I’m taking everything interesting with me.” O RLY? I didn’t see you taking your Stewardess Porn and fusion reactor and coin collection with you!
Back at the office, Roger’s hitting on Joan again. Oh, Roger. Guess what? Her husband’s been called up to Vietnam. Start the clock! This guy has less than a season to live, I bet. Or else he’ll come home a Damaged Man, like Rambo. (Incidentally, what was Rambo’s first name? Does anyone remember? It would be awesome if it was, like, “Nigel” or “Bert”.) But probably not. We should just start calling him Friendly Fire now.
What’s the Lesbian’s name? I can’t remember. Oh, wait, it’s Joyce. That seems about right. Joyce comes around again and takes Pegs out to P.J. Clarke’s to meet up with Abe. Abe from the Marijuana Party. Abe is like Chris Daly with fewer F-Bombs. He talks a lot about the Oppressed and Corporations and stuff. But he’s not down with Women's Struggle for Equality! That bums out Pegs, because she’s one. She’s good at getting drinks from the bartender, though! Women are always good at that. Wait, that was sexist.
Hey, do you think there’s still home delivery for Swedish Massage, like Roger sent Joan? I bet there is, but it’s called something different now. Sigh, now that Craigslist got rid of Adult Services we’ll never know. Anyway, another scene of Roger hitting on Joan. WE GET IT, WEINER. Get to the good part.
OK, now Abe shows up at the office. This is the Face of Pre-Internet Stalkery. You used to have to do your stalking in person, like a man. Or I guess you could hire a private detective or something, you get the picture. Anyway, Abe wants to post a disturbing screed on Peggy’s wall, but since there’s no Facebook or Internet or computers or electronic stuff, he has to hand it to her in person. AWKWARD.
There’s a whole thing with Fillmore Auto and a stuttering guy that I wasn’t really paying attention to that much about so you can read about that somewhere else.
Guess what? They had Take Your Daughter to Work Day back then, except daughters had to find their own way to the office and it involved an old lady on the train. That’s how Sally shows up at SCDP, anyway. Or this is the start of a new sitcom!! “Don & Co.”!!!! I like it! Don gets Faye to babysit her because Faye’s a Woman. They go to Don’s and watch Oprah or something.
Then something happens but I’ve been alerted that some people don’t like spoilers so if you understand Pig Latin, don’t read the next sentence. Issus-may Lankenship-bay ies-day. I’m going to miss her quips. That scene where they sneak her body out is kind of a comic highlight of the whole season. Whoops, that may have been a spoiler right there. Anyway, Roger uses the occasion to hit on Joan some more. Then they get mugged and this prompts them to have a quickie in the alley. That’s how most people react to getting mugged.
Sally’s spending the night at Don’s place. They have Girl Talk on the couch about Faye. Don like Faye! Like, really likes her! Then they work on their collages. Later, DD picks up his journal and I’m scared the voiceover’s going to start again but WHEW just a false alarm. The next morning, Sally makes Rum Waffles. I hope the Mad Men Cookbook comes out soon, because I’m going to start making Rum Waffles all the time.
Then there’s this really weird scene at the end when Sally’s running in the office and falls down and suddenly like 5 Office Ladies appear and DD’s new secretary is all comforting her and I guess she’s going to be New Mommy someday. Then Bets comes by for the Sally handoff and all the Office Ladies appear in the doorway like they’re the Chorus or something and they should be chanting “BEEEEETTTTTYYYYYY…..you are moooorrrrrrrtalllllllll.” This is funnier if you’ve ever seen any Euripides.
COMING UP NEXT WEEK: Everyone says things with A LOT OF EMPHASIS.
Back at the office, Roger’s hitting on Joan again. Oh, Roger. Guess what? Her husband’s been called up to Vietnam. Start the clock! This guy has less than a season to live, I bet. Or else he’ll come home a Damaged Man, like Rambo. (Incidentally, what was Rambo’s first name? Does anyone remember? It would be awesome if it was, like, “Nigel” or “Bert”.) But probably not. We should just start calling him Friendly Fire now.
What’s the Lesbian’s name? I can’t remember. Oh, wait, it’s Joyce. That seems about right. Joyce comes around again and takes Pegs out to P.J. Clarke’s to meet up with Abe. Abe from the Marijuana Party. Abe is like Chris Daly with fewer F-Bombs. He talks a lot about the Oppressed and Corporations and stuff. But he’s not down with Women's Struggle for Equality! That bums out Pegs, because she’s one. She’s good at getting drinks from the bartender, though! Women are always good at that. Wait, that was sexist.
Hey, do you think there’s still home delivery for Swedish Massage, like Roger sent Joan? I bet there is, but it’s called something different now. Sigh, now that Craigslist got rid of Adult Services we’ll never know. Anyway, another scene of Roger hitting on Joan. WE GET IT, WEINER. Get to the good part.
OK, now Abe shows up at the office. This is the Face of Pre-Internet Stalkery. You used to have to do your stalking in person, like a man. Or I guess you could hire a private detective or something, you get the picture. Anyway, Abe wants to post a disturbing screed on Peggy’s wall, but since there’s no Facebook or Internet or computers or electronic stuff, he has to hand it to her in person. AWKWARD.
There’s a whole thing with Fillmore Auto and a stuttering guy that I wasn’t really paying attention to that much about so you can read about that somewhere else.
Guess what? They had Take Your Daughter to Work Day back then, except daughters had to find their own way to the office and it involved an old lady on the train. That’s how Sally shows up at SCDP, anyway. Or this is the start of a new sitcom!! “Don & Co.”!!!! I like it! Don gets Faye to babysit her because Faye’s a Woman. They go to Don’s and watch Oprah or something.
Then something happens but I’ve been alerted that some people don’t like spoilers so if you understand Pig Latin, don’t read the next sentence. Issus-may Lankenship-bay ies-day. I’m going to miss her quips. That scene where they sneak her body out is kind of a comic highlight of the whole season. Whoops, that may have been a spoiler right there. Anyway, Roger uses the occasion to hit on Joan some more. Then they get mugged and this prompts them to have a quickie in the alley. That’s how most people react to getting mugged.
Sally’s spending the night at Don’s place. They have Girl Talk on the couch about Faye. Don like Faye! Like, really likes her! Then they work on their collages. Later, DD picks up his journal and I’m scared the voiceover’s going to start again but WHEW just a false alarm. The next morning, Sally makes Rum Waffles. I hope the Mad Men Cookbook comes out soon, because I’m going to start making Rum Waffles all the time.
Then there’s this really weird scene at the end when Sally’s running in the office and falls down and suddenly like 5 Office Ladies appear and DD’s new secretary is all comforting her and I guess she’s going to be New Mommy someday. Then Bets comes by for the Sally handoff and all the Office Ladies appear in the doorway like they’re the Chorus or something and they should be chanting “BEEEEETTTTTYYYYYY…..you are moooorrrrrrrtalllllllll.” This is funnier if you’ve ever seen any Euripides.
COMING UP NEXT WEEK: Everyone says things with A LOT OF EMPHASIS.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Mad Men #8: The ether, the blindness, and then I got the goggles
Oh God this is painful watching Don write in his My Little Pony diary and having these awful voiceovers frame the whole episode. “Dear Diary, today I fucked a secretary and then went for ice cream!!!!!!! I got pistachio!!!!!!! I love Frank Sinatra.” Please, Weiner, no mas. I don’t know why I even bother with Mad Men anymore now that there’s a new season of Rehab: Party at the Hard Rock. One day I’m going to teach a grad-level seminar on Rehab: Party at the Hard Rock and we’ll talk about the symbolism of the tiki cups with the potentially sabotaged holes in them and also about Matt’s character arc. That show rules.
OK, so it looks like Don’s trying to cut down on the boozing, maybe after Pegs called him out on it last week. Unfortunately, you can’t smoke while you’re swimming or I’m sure he’d try. He’s doing laps and journaling and going to yoga now I guess. Hey, the Stones finally arrive on the soundtrack! About fucking time! Then Don leaves the N.Y.A.C. and puts on those sunglasses I WANT SO BADLY and then there’s a long voiceover about corn or some shit. NO MORE VOICEOVERS.
This episode is actually not about Don and His Boring and Trite Diary but instead about Women in the Workplace. Joey is VERY MEAN to Joan and boy is he gonna get it. You do not fuck with Joan, I am serious. Back at her place, Joan has a breakdown and seeks solace with Future Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall Inscribee Doc, who just wants to hit it. Actually, I find that hitting it really does fix almost anything, so maybe he’s on to something.
Oh, Don’s making a Life List! 1. Climb Mt. Kilimanjaro. 2. Float down to the bottom of the pool just like Bill Murray in “Rushmore.” 3. Have sex with January Jones. Oh wait, that’s mine. Number 3 is mine, my mistake. 3. Buy stock in Canadian Club.
OK, so it looks like Don’s trying to cut down on the boozing, maybe after Pegs called him out on it last week. Unfortunately, you can’t smoke while you’re swimming or I’m sure he’d try. He’s doing laps and journaling and going to yoga now I guess. Hey, the Stones finally arrive on the soundtrack! About fucking time! Then Don leaves the N.Y.A.C. and puts on those sunglasses I WANT SO BADLY and then there’s a long voiceover about corn or some shit. NO MORE VOICEOVERS.
This episode is actually not about Don and His Boring and Trite Diary but instead about Women in the Workplace. Joey is VERY MEAN to Joan and boy is he gonna get it. You do not fuck with Joan, I am serious. Back at her place, Joan has a breakdown and seeks solace with Future Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall Inscribee Doc, who just wants to hit it. Actually, I find that hitting it really does fix almost anything, so maybe he’s on to something.
Oh, Don’s making a Life List! 1. Climb Mt. Kilimanjaro. 2. Float down to the bottom of the pool just like Bill Murray in “Rushmore.” 3. Have sex with January Jones. Oh wait, that’s mine. Number 3 is mine, my mistake. 3. Buy stock in Canadian Club.
A million restaurants in Manhattan, and Don and Bethany and Cryptkeeper and Bets all have to show up at the same one. Betty sees DD and needs a gimlet stat. Meanwhile, Bethany needs more from Don. Like maybe a nickel for milk at school, because she’s about 16. CK and his buddy have some political talk, while Bets retreats to the bathroom to suck down a smoke because she’s tensed out. More gimlets, please.
Two car rides home with two different results! In Car #1, we have Bets freaking out and Cryptkeeper calling her drunk. In Car #2, we have Bethany – WHOA, BETHANY – umm, that’s some advanced shit for 1965! I didn’t think blow jobs in the back seats of cabs started until the mid-70s at the earliest, but I always knew Bethany was ahead of her time.
Let’s return to the office now, where Terminal Joey is preparing a vodka and Mountain Dew. Hey, Joey, did we go to college together? I went through a vodka and Mountain Dew phase. Actually, it was a vodka and anything phase – Coke, coke, Sprite, Gatorade, milk, water, whatever was handy. ANYWAY, this is all prelude to the Important Vending Machine Meeting that Joan and Lane have and I guess the vending machine is supposed to symbolize something but I don’t know what. Joey puts a mean drawing in Joan’s window and Joan tells all the kidz they’re going to get killed in Vietnam but they’ll just get deferments so probably not. But then Peggy, who is wearing a cheerleader skirt for some reason, fires Joey! Holy shit! He doesn’t really take it all that well. He’s kind of a dick but we’ll miss him. Joan’s pissed, though, because she had her own ways of handling that little prick and she didn’t get to do some Joan-Fu on his ass.
Don goes by the Old Homestead and picks up his boxes and Cryptkeeper is mowing the lawn like he’s in a Viagra commercial. Then he goes inside and shit, dude is fucking ripped. He’s like that guy from the Bowflex ads who’s like 55 and plays bass in a band and whatever. What do they, have Gold’s locations in Ossining in 1965 or something?
Let’s wrap this shit up. Don goes out with Faye FINALLY and they get some chianti and start making out in the cab and NOW she’s ready to give it up since she got in a fight with her BF and told him to shit in the ocean but DD’s not giving it up. Great strategy! If you don’t want to get laid, I mean. Anyway, later Don shows up at his kid’s birthday party and Cryptkeeper stares at him REAL HARD and there’s no music over the closing credits.
No Roger, so that’s an automatic 15-point deduction.
Two car rides home with two different results! In Car #1, we have Bets freaking out and Cryptkeeper calling her drunk. In Car #2, we have Bethany – WHOA, BETHANY – umm, that’s some advanced shit for 1965! I didn’t think blow jobs in the back seats of cabs started until the mid-70s at the earliest, but I always knew Bethany was ahead of her time.
Let’s return to the office now, where Terminal Joey is preparing a vodka and Mountain Dew. Hey, Joey, did we go to college together? I went through a vodka and Mountain Dew phase. Actually, it was a vodka and anything phase – Coke, coke, Sprite, Gatorade, milk, water, whatever was handy. ANYWAY, this is all prelude to the Important Vending Machine Meeting that Joan and Lane have and I guess the vending machine is supposed to symbolize something but I don’t know what. Joey puts a mean drawing in Joan’s window and Joan tells all the kidz they’re going to get killed in Vietnam but they’ll just get deferments so probably not. But then Peggy, who is wearing a cheerleader skirt for some reason, fires Joey! Holy shit! He doesn’t really take it all that well. He’s kind of a dick but we’ll miss him. Joan’s pissed, though, because she had her own ways of handling that little prick and she didn’t get to do some Joan-Fu on his ass.
Don goes by the Old Homestead and picks up his boxes and Cryptkeeper is mowing the lawn like he’s in a Viagra commercial. Then he goes inside and shit, dude is fucking ripped. He’s like that guy from the Bowflex ads who’s like 55 and plays bass in a band and whatever. What do they, have Gold’s locations in Ossining in 1965 or something?
Let’s wrap this shit up. Don goes out with Faye FINALLY and they get some chianti and start making out in the cab and NOW she’s ready to give it up since she got in a fight with her BF and told him to shit in the ocean but DD’s not giving it up. Great strategy! If you don’t want to get laid, I mean. Anyway, later Don shows up at his kid’s birthday party and Cryptkeeper stares at him REAL HARD and there’s no music over the closing credits.
No Roger, so that’s an automatic 15-point deduction.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Mad Men #7: The mouse symbolizes something. I'm sure of it.
Sorry this is a day late. No, actually I’m not really sorry at all. Yesterday The Wife and I went to Red’s Java House and had burgers and beer in the sun and then we went to SF MOMA and saw the “From Calder to Warhol” exhibit which is basically just a taste of the 1000s of pieces the Fishers are donating and it’s pretty fucking awesome. Plus it was a really nice day. Plus no one ever reads these anyway. I mean, I used to get huge numbers of hits for the Bachelorette recaps and I don’t get many for the MM recaps and that maybe says something sad about Our Society and Culture or maybe means nothing at all. Boo hoo poor me.
Oh, also last night I watched Bachelor Pad and let me tell you straight up, that shit is PAINFUL. Like Grade A excruciating. And this is coming from a guy who analyzed every episode of an entire season of the Bachelorette.
OK, where are we? We’re at the Samsonite pitch meeting. The kidz want to do something with Joe Namath and it’s all very confusing and Don doesn’t like it and frankly I don’t either. How about instead we see Anson Wong shoving snakes into a sturdy Samsonite bag and then he looks at the camera and says “I’ve got a SNAKING suspicion that only Samsonite bags work for me! Get Samsonite today!”
Now we see that Duck is drinking in his semi-darkened apartment and he has sent Peggy a birthday gift, which is a business card for a made-up ad agency. Duck says he’s “falling apart” and the only cure for that is a shot of Pegs. Don’t worry, we’re going to see more of Duck soon.
So for her birthday, Mystery Fiancé is taking her to the Forum of the Twelve Caesars, which was apparently a Very Fancy Restaurant on 57 West 48th Street.
But wait! Don’s making her work on her birthday! Now who’s going to eat the Oysters of Hercules with Mark? Oh, holy shit, he’s got Peggy’s whole family there! Apparently Mark doesn’t know Peggy very well, because this is not a selling point for her. Mark’s totally giving her a hard time and Peggy’s all “I have to work late” and Mark’s all “Waaaah, come on,” and then he breaks up with her over the Black Courtesy Phone! Good riddance, I say.
Thus we begin the Night of Peggy and Don. They start out with a good fight about who had the idea for Glo-Coat and then move on to the Roger tapes. Whoa, Ms. Blankenship was the “Queen of Perversion”! Ugh, try scraping that mental image form your mind. Roger’s memoirs may prove to be unfit for public consumption. Anyway, the night continues and gets a little rom-commy. There’s a mouse in the office and then it’s gone and Don says solemnly “There’s a way out of this room we don’t know about.” DUN DUN DUN!!!! This is FRAUGHT WITH MEANING. Discuss amongst yourselves.
Off to dinner at the Greek diner. Wait a minute, Don’s not drinking. WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS? They’re having a Deep Conversation. “Oh, wow, I saw my father die too!” It’s like the 1965 version of coke talk. Then on to a bar. Oh, I like this bar! It’s like Radio in Oakland but with the lights turned up. In the past, you used to be able to see in bars. Now that’s considered passé. That’s why I keep knocking drinks over. Sort of. Anyway, is Peggy drinking a Cosmo? She’s like the Ur-Carrie Bradshaw! Holy shit, there’s a grad thesis just sitting there. Go ahead and take it.
Back to the office. Don pukes violently in the SCDP bathroom. Nobody ever pukes on this show after drinking all day. It’s actually kind of refreshing. Oh shit, here comes the Duckster! He is fucked UP. This office is like the Grand Central Station of Drunk. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Duck’s about to drop a deuce in Roger’s office! Oh, Duck. I guess the fact that you’re in the wrong office is the least of your problems. Duck and Don settle this with a good old-fashioned Drunk Fight and Pegs shows him out.
Tim to pass out on the couch. The ghost of Fake Wife appears, carrying her trusty Samsonite suitcase into the afterlife, where she will appear in a guest-starring role on “Castle,” the worst show I have ever seen, even worse than “Bachelor Pad,” even worse than that midget dating show. Anyway, I imagine this scene is also Fraught With Meaning. The good news is, Don and Pegs don’t hook up because ew.
So the next day Don’s got a fresh shirt and looks marginally presentable but Peggy’s going to have to do the Walk of Shame even though she didn’t even get any. Now it’s time for the Scenes from the Next Episode, which every week reveal absolutely nothing about what’s going to happen.
I’ll tell you one thing that’s going to happen: Next Sunday and Monday I will be Out of The Local Area and so this recap will be substantially delayed. Please direct your complaints to the Managing Director. I want to eat a rare steak and watch two men pound each other.
Oh, also last night I watched Bachelor Pad and let me tell you straight up, that shit is PAINFUL. Like Grade A excruciating. And this is coming from a guy who analyzed every episode of an entire season of the Bachelorette.
OK, where are we? We’re at the Samsonite pitch meeting. The kidz want to do something with Joe Namath and it’s all very confusing and Don doesn’t like it and frankly I don’t either. How about instead we see Anson Wong shoving snakes into a sturdy Samsonite bag and then he looks at the camera and says “I’ve got a SNAKING suspicion that only Samsonite bags work for me! Get Samsonite today!”
Now we see that Duck is drinking in his semi-darkened apartment and he has sent Peggy a birthday gift, which is a business card for a made-up ad agency. Duck says he’s “falling apart” and the only cure for that is a shot of Pegs. Don’t worry, we’re going to see more of Duck soon.
So for her birthday, Mystery Fiancé is taking her to the Forum of the Twelve Caesars, which was apparently a Very Fancy Restaurant on 57 West 48th Street.
But wait! Don’s making her work on her birthday! Now who’s going to eat the Oysters of Hercules with Mark? Oh, holy shit, he’s got Peggy’s whole family there! Apparently Mark doesn’t know Peggy very well, because this is not a selling point for her. Mark’s totally giving her a hard time and Peggy’s all “I have to work late” and Mark’s all “Waaaah, come on,” and then he breaks up with her over the Black Courtesy Phone! Good riddance, I say.
Thus we begin the Night of Peggy and Don. They start out with a good fight about who had the idea for Glo-Coat and then move on to the Roger tapes. Whoa, Ms. Blankenship was the “Queen of Perversion”! Ugh, try scraping that mental image form your mind. Roger’s memoirs may prove to be unfit for public consumption. Anyway, the night continues and gets a little rom-commy. There’s a mouse in the office and then it’s gone and Don says solemnly “There’s a way out of this room we don’t know about.” DUN DUN DUN!!!! This is FRAUGHT WITH MEANING. Discuss amongst yourselves.
Off to dinner at the Greek diner. Wait a minute, Don’s not drinking. WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS? They’re having a Deep Conversation. “Oh, wow, I saw my father die too!” It’s like the 1965 version of coke talk. Then on to a bar. Oh, I like this bar! It’s like Radio in Oakland but with the lights turned up. In the past, you used to be able to see in bars. Now that’s considered passé. That’s why I keep knocking drinks over. Sort of. Anyway, is Peggy drinking a Cosmo? She’s like the Ur-Carrie Bradshaw! Holy shit, there’s a grad thesis just sitting there. Go ahead and take it.
Back to the office. Don pukes violently in the SCDP bathroom. Nobody ever pukes on this show after drinking all day. It’s actually kind of refreshing. Oh shit, here comes the Duckster! He is fucked UP. This office is like the Grand Central Station of Drunk. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Duck’s about to drop a deuce in Roger’s office! Oh, Duck. I guess the fact that you’re in the wrong office is the least of your problems. Duck and Don settle this with a good old-fashioned Drunk Fight and Pegs shows him out.
Tim to pass out on the couch. The ghost of Fake Wife appears, carrying her trusty Samsonite suitcase into the afterlife, where she will appear in a guest-starring role on “Castle,” the worst show I have ever seen, even worse than “Bachelor Pad,” even worse than that midget dating show. Anyway, I imagine this scene is also Fraught With Meaning. The good news is, Don and Pegs don’t hook up because ew.
So the next day Don’s got a fresh shirt and looks marginally presentable but Peggy’s going to have to do the Walk of Shame even though she didn’t even get any. Now it’s time for the Scenes from the Next Episode, which every week reveal absolutely nothing about what’s going to happen.
I’ll tell you one thing that’s going to happen: Next Sunday and Monday I will be Out of The Local Area and so this recap will be substantially delayed. Please direct your complaints to the Managing Director. I want to eat a rare steak and watch two men pound each other.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Today's Movie Pitches
Labor Day
Bruce Willis plays Doc Hotson, a recently-retired FBI agent who decides to take a leisurely Labor Day trip to Washington D.C. However, his Metro train is hijacked by terrorists. That Iraqi guy from Lost is the lead terrorist. They’re going to load up the Metro train with explosives and blow up the Washington Monument. Or something that the Metro runs under, doesn’t matter. Bruce Willis foils their plot, while falling in love with Cameron Diaz, who is a normal person on the train for no reason.
Tagline: “This Labor Day, Bruce Willis is ON THE CLOCK.”
[UPDATE: The Wife suggests the much better tagline "This Labor Day, Bruce Willis DELIVERS!"]
Advice Dog
A golden retriever puppy is languishing in a pound in Sarasota, Florida when aliens arrive one night and accidentally abduct him instead of the poundkeeper or whatever you call the guy in charge of the pound. Proximity to alien technology gives the dog the power to speak and when he returns to Earth he gets revenge on the humans by giving really bad advice. The dog is voiced by Seth Rogen. Costarring Brian Austin Green as a kindly shopkeeper.
The Building
A 6-story apartment building is home to a wacky collection of neighbors, like John Turturro and Betty White. It catches on fire, but Bruce Willis leads a brave fire team and rescues everyone, except Jared Leto, whose ghost then haunts Bruce Willis. Meanwhile, the tenants have acquired bizarre supernatural powers after the fire. No one can pronounce Bruce Willis's name and they can all see each other's futures but not their own, so they have to have weekly meetings to see what's going to happen to everyone. Directed by M. Night Shyamalan.
Bruce Willis plays Doc Hotson, a recently-retired FBI agent who decides to take a leisurely Labor Day trip to Washington D.C. However, his Metro train is hijacked by terrorists. That Iraqi guy from Lost is the lead terrorist. They’re going to load up the Metro train with explosives and blow up the Washington Monument. Or something that the Metro runs under, doesn’t matter. Bruce Willis foils their plot, while falling in love with Cameron Diaz, who is a normal person on the train for no reason.
Tagline: “This Labor Day, Bruce Willis is ON THE CLOCK.”
[UPDATE: The Wife suggests the much better tagline "This Labor Day, Bruce Willis DELIVERS!"]
Advice Dog
A golden retriever puppy is languishing in a pound in Sarasota, Florida when aliens arrive one night and accidentally abduct him instead of the poundkeeper or whatever you call the guy in charge of the pound. Proximity to alien technology gives the dog the power to speak and when he returns to Earth he gets revenge on the humans by giving really bad advice. The dog is voiced by Seth Rogen. Costarring Brian Austin Green as a kindly shopkeeper.
The Building
A 6-story apartment building is home to a wacky collection of neighbors, like John Turturro and Betty White. It catches on fire, but Bruce Willis leads a brave fire team and rescues everyone, except Jared Leto, whose ghost then haunts Bruce Willis. Meanwhile, the tenants have acquired bizarre supernatural powers after the fire. No one can pronounce Bruce Willis's name and they can all see each other's futures but not their own, so they have to have weekly meetings to see what's going to happen to everyone. Directed by M. Night Shyamalan.
Tagline: "This is not your usual kind of building"
Monday, August 30, 2010
Mad Men #6: It's a relief to see someone worse than me!
OK, before I get to the mondo weirdness that happened on the Men last night, let me first begin with an unhinged rant about the Claremont Resort and Spa in Berkeley, California.
It goes like this: fuck you, Claremont Resort and Spa. First of all, the room that we got for our discounted rate of $180 was almost smaller than any other hotel room I’ve ever stayed in, including in Lower Manhattan. The only potentially smaller one was in London, and I think it was cheaper. But hey, at least the closet was fucking huge! Should have pulled the bed in there and luxuriated. Also, the fuck is up with the $24 “facility fee”? The facility is the fucking hotel, which I just paid $180 a night for, you jackass. And $24 to park overnight? You guys just love the way “$24” sounds, right, because you just keep adding it. To sum up: blow me.
OK, on to the show. Jane’s brother or cousin or something is trying to get a job. He’s a weird little weasel who puts other people’s ads in his book. He’s an appli-can’t. See what I did there? PA-POW!!! Roger’s funny again and not as racist. “I told him to be himself. That was pretty mean, I guess.” Fucking ZING. How much fun would it be to hang out with Roger at Tosca or Top of the Mark for about an hour? Martinis are on me. Especially if they cost 25 cents like they did in 1965.
Oh, yay, it’s a flashback that doesn’t involve a mule or that goldarn truck that weren’t start or some other Okie shit. No, here we see The Creation Myth, in which Roger comes to Don’s fur store and is very mean to Don! He buys a mink for Joan, whose hair in this flashback is not really all that inspiring. It makes me a little sad. Anyway, Don’s going to totally stalk Roger for a while now. This is how people did it before Facebook. You had to do your stalking in person. Like a man.
One of our main plots this week is Peggy working on the Vick’s campaign with Edgy Art Guy, who you can tell is edgy because he’s wearing a leather jacket. He’s also a fucking tool. Anyway, Pegs and Edgy Art Guy are involved in the weirdest scene so far this season. Now, if I said “Peggy and a guy in a leather jacket and a stupid smirk get naked in a hotel room with some Vick’s Vapo-Rub,” you’d be thinking “safeword,” not “writing some killer copy,” right? But that’s what happens and that’s about it except for some small penis jokes. I wasn’t crazy about this whole plot in general but I’m sure it’s Very Important. Basically any scene without Joan in it bores me a little now.
Here we are at the Clios! The Clios take place in the middle of the day? At least it’s Friday. Oh, there’s Duck! Back on the sauce. That’s the Duck we love. He gives the Clios a good go-around and gets escorted out. Ted Chaouaough shows up with, oddly, a Major General in tow. Wouldn’t it be awesome if you could hire Generals to hang around with you and like go to Zeitgeist with you or bowling or whatnot? Anyway, the Sterling Boys win for the so, so weird Glo-Coat ad BUT WAIT we have to rush back to the office because the Life Cereal people are there!
Whoa, everyone is shitty drunk. Don has three hairs out of place so he’s obviously totes wasted. Mikey hasn’t been invented yet or killed in Vietnam so we have to make up a different campaign for Life cereal. Oh, wait, Mikey supposedly died from mixing Pop Rocks and soda. What? That's stupid. Mixing pop rocks and heroin, maybe. Anyway, Don suggests “Life is like a box of chocolates” but everyone looks confused because Tom Hanks isn’t a retard yet. Neither is everyone else who paid to see that P.O.S. Then Don totally steals the Appli-Can’t’s “Cure for the Common Breakfast” business and everyone loves it. This means they have to hire that little fuck. Wow, is he ever small! Small like a fox. Wait, that doesn’t mean anything. I shouldn’t inhale these Glo-Coat fumes.
Next we see Don and Roger and Joan in their Native Environment, which is a bar. Faye shoots down Don. He has Lost His Mojo and now has to sleep with the Cake Mix Girl to get it back. Roger almost picks a fight with General Demeanor, who points to his Ass-Kicking Ribbons and then has to leave because Ted’s leaving. But wait! Don obviously goes on some kind of bender because he goes to bed with Cake Mix but wakes up with Doris the Waitress who calls him “Dick.” Capital-D Dick. What the fuck happened here? Don is clearly Out of Control.
We wrap up the whole flashback thing with Don showing up for work and telling Roger that he said “Welcome aboard” when Roger said no such thing. This is just like on Seinfeld when George just showed up to work after Mr. Tuttle never told him whether he got the job or not! Except that George doesn’t spend all day drinking and banging waitresses. That would have made Seinfeld much, much better, though.
You know how people are giving their kids old-fashioned names like Rose and Mabel and Hazel? Dottie still hasn’t caught on yet, has it? Maybe this episode will do the trick! Gertrude’s not coming back either. Oh well.
It goes like this: fuck you, Claremont Resort and Spa. First of all, the room that we got for our discounted rate of $180 was almost smaller than any other hotel room I’ve ever stayed in, including in Lower Manhattan. The only potentially smaller one was in London, and I think it was cheaper. But hey, at least the closet was fucking huge! Should have pulled the bed in there and luxuriated. Also, the fuck is up with the $24 “facility fee”? The facility is the fucking hotel, which I just paid $180 a night for, you jackass. And $24 to park overnight? You guys just love the way “$24” sounds, right, because you just keep adding it. To sum up: blow me.
OK, on to the show. Jane’s brother or cousin or something is trying to get a job. He’s a weird little weasel who puts other people’s ads in his book. He’s an appli-can’t. See what I did there? PA-POW!!! Roger’s funny again and not as racist. “I told him to be himself. That was pretty mean, I guess.” Fucking ZING. How much fun would it be to hang out with Roger at Tosca or Top of the Mark for about an hour? Martinis are on me. Especially if they cost 25 cents like they did in 1965.
Oh, yay, it’s a flashback that doesn’t involve a mule or that goldarn truck that weren’t start or some other Okie shit. No, here we see The Creation Myth, in which Roger comes to Don’s fur store and is very mean to Don! He buys a mink for Joan, whose hair in this flashback is not really all that inspiring. It makes me a little sad. Anyway, Don’s going to totally stalk Roger for a while now. This is how people did it before Facebook. You had to do your stalking in person. Like a man.
One of our main plots this week is Peggy working on the Vick’s campaign with Edgy Art Guy, who you can tell is edgy because he’s wearing a leather jacket. He’s also a fucking tool. Anyway, Pegs and Edgy Art Guy are involved in the weirdest scene so far this season. Now, if I said “Peggy and a guy in a leather jacket and a stupid smirk get naked in a hotel room with some Vick’s Vapo-Rub,” you’d be thinking “safeword,” not “writing some killer copy,” right? But that’s what happens and that’s about it except for some small penis jokes. I wasn’t crazy about this whole plot in general but I’m sure it’s Very Important. Basically any scene without Joan in it bores me a little now.
Here we are at the Clios! The Clios take place in the middle of the day? At least it’s Friday. Oh, there’s Duck! Back on the sauce. That’s the Duck we love. He gives the Clios a good go-around and gets escorted out. Ted Chaouaough shows up with, oddly, a Major General in tow. Wouldn’t it be awesome if you could hire Generals to hang around with you and like go to Zeitgeist with you or bowling or whatnot? Anyway, the Sterling Boys win for the so, so weird Glo-Coat ad BUT WAIT we have to rush back to the office because the Life Cereal people are there!
Whoa, everyone is shitty drunk. Don has three hairs out of place so he’s obviously totes wasted. Mikey hasn’t been invented yet or killed in Vietnam so we have to make up a different campaign for Life cereal. Oh, wait, Mikey supposedly died from mixing Pop Rocks and soda. What? That's stupid. Mixing pop rocks and heroin, maybe. Anyway, Don suggests “Life is like a box of chocolates” but everyone looks confused because Tom Hanks isn’t a retard yet. Neither is everyone else who paid to see that P.O.S. Then Don totally steals the Appli-Can’t’s “Cure for the Common Breakfast” business and everyone loves it. This means they have to hire that little fuck. Wow, is he ever small! Small like a fox. Wait, that doesn’t mean anything. I shouldn’t inhale these Glo-Coat fumes.
Next we see Don and Roger and Joan in their Native Environment, which is a bar. Faye shoots down Don. He has Lost His Mojo and now has to sleep with the Cake Mix Girl to get it back. Roger almost picks a fight with General Demeanor, who points to his Ass-Kicking Ribbons and then has to leave because Ted’s leaving. But wait! Don obviously goes on some kind of bender because he goes to bed with Cake Mix but wakes up with Doris the Waitress who calls him “Dick.” Capital-D Dick. What the fuck happened here? Don is clearly Out of Control.
We wrap up the whole flashback thing with Don showing up for work and telling Roger that he said “Welcome aboard” when Roger said no such thing. This is just like on Seinfeld when George just showed up to work after Mr. Tuttle never told him whether he got the job or not! Except that George doesn’t spend all day drinking and banging waitresses. That would have made Seinfeld much, much better, though.
You know how people are giving their kids old-fashioned names like Rose and Mabel and Hazel? Dottie still hasn’t caught on yet, has it? Maybe this episode will do the trick! Gertrude’s not coming back either. Oh well.
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