The Bachelor Finale: I'm Ready for My Happy Ending

So, friends, we have finally arrived at the South African end to our Journey together and we will begin by meeting Brad’s family, which consists of a twin brother named Chad (PAUSE MOMENTARILY – that’s right, Brad and Chad. Oh, Absent Dad, you have quite the sense of humor. You can continue to torture your kids even while away), a Mom who looks like Paula Deen with a bad haircut and a little brother, Wes, who doesn’t look like anyone and is either adopted from some Plump White Kid Adoption Agency or has Ugly Dad instead of Absent Dad. There are, of course, stick-thin sun-blasted Texas wives to go along with the bros, oddly named “Dylan” (or “Dillon,” I suppose) and “Prima,” which are also the names of someone’s cats. Brad greets his family by weeping like an Italian grandmother and it’s really a bit much.

Here comes Chantal to meet the family. Chantal is coming on WAY TOO STRONG and is all ME ME ME I HOPE HE PICKS ME with her bright red chest like it’s some kind of mating plumage and her shiny shiny hair. Mom thinks she’s “precious,” which is Southern for “cute and dumb.” Everyone seems to like Chantal but they’re clearly a little scared of her RELENTLESS INTENSITY and girlfriend just needs to dial it down a notch.

Next day. Time for Lifetime Emily to meet everyone. She brings flowers but forgot her illegitimate child. There is a Very Awkward Moment when Fleshy Wes wants to know where the Baby Daddy is and everyone acts weird and I’m starting to think he’s actually in Witness Protection and then Lifetime recounts the Legend of Racecar Rickie. Wes finds this a “shocking and sad story” but honestly it’s a little played at this point.

(Let me break here to note that I was recently furnished with a copy of In Touch magazine, via which I learned that Lifetime Emily is not exactly the virginal princess she seems, and instead runs through NASCAR drivers like she’s on her own circuit, if you know what I mean, and also is maybe not that fascinated by Little Rickie and also is a bit of a gold-digger. The More You Know.)

So let’s just cut to the chase: The Fam loves Lifetime because (1) she’s a Mom, and the Cat-Named Wives like that and (2) she’s Southern. Lifetime tells Mom that Brad’s an “angel” and this makes Mom all teary. Lifetime knows how to talk to a Southern Mom.

OK, next day. Last date with Chantal. They’re going Shark Diving! Chantal must sense that she’s in trouble because she comes out with her wetsuit unzipped to her crotch but she may as well leave the cage because she’s basically dead in the water at this point. The sharks are all “whatever” and no one gets killed. That night, Brad pops by Chantal’s suite and she’s all “Look! I drew this map of all the places ABC sent us!” and frankly it looks like something Little Rickie could have drawn and Brad’s all “Oh, that’s nice, you stayed in the lines and everything” and then takes off but not before calling her “Channie” which kinda bugs. She is toast and it is clear at this point.

Date with Lifetime Emily. Hopefully they’re going Tiger Wrestling or this just isn’t fair. Oh, helicopter ride! This is bullshit. They sit on a cliff and she says he can’t watch football any more or drink beer at 6 o’clock and obviously she’s never been to Texas. Same deal that night with the suite visit and ABC realizes they have to wring some drama out of this so they have Brad go “I’m ready to be a father” and Lifetime goes “No you’re not” and he says :”Yes I am” and she goes “No you’re not” and then he gets all sweaty and takes off and from what I read, Brad, you’re not going to have to worry about seeing Little Rickie all that much.

We somehow have to fill two hours, so we’re treated to some scenes of the chicks writing in their faux journals and Chantal’s all “I’m ready for my happy ending” but I hate to break this to you Chantal, your happy ending will include you, a limo, and a box of Krispy Kremes. Lifetime, meanwhile, is writing Dale Jr. to tell him she can still see him but he best keep it on the DL.

It’s time. Brad’s off to The Proposal and HOLY FUCK IS HE WEARING A LEATHER SUIT?


OK, it’s time. Chantal’s first and just so nobody is taken unawares, she’s wearing a black dress and Lifetime’s wearing white. Brad does some blah blah blah and you know it’s coming and BOOM Chantal you are a Space Rocket being launched to Planet Dumped. Perhaps your gobs of money will console you. Here’s The Wife, brightsiding the situation: “You made it to the Top 2! That’s good!” True. True.

Time for Lifetime to collect the hardware. Brad blurbles something about wanting to marry her and she says yes. I wonder if Lil Rickie will like New Daddy.

Hey, we have almost a full bottle of wine left so let’s watch After the Final Rose and then kill ourselves. Wow, that is one ugly studio audience they’ve assembled. It looks like they just picked up a Wal-Mart and shook it out into a TV studio. Chantal comes out and cries like always but then we learn she’s got a New Thing Going! He must love her constantly sobbing about Brad. Emily comes out and DAMN she looks pretty good and we learn that things have not been progressing smoothly in Brad and Emily Land, I know SHOCKER. She won’t even marry him right now on this show! What kind of a fucked up bitch won’t get impulse-married in front of an Ugly Live Studio Audience!?! What is this, Iran? Chris Harrison wants to know “What makes a successful Bachelor relationship?” Functional retardation and hair gel, Chris. See you guys next time.

UPDATE!!!!! OH HEY GUESS WHAT I just realized. This blog is 3 years old today. 3 years of sarcasm, boiling rage, ill-informed opinion, TV dating show recaps, and lots of drinking. I owe it all to you guys, the deeply disturbed people who read this. I wish we could all run away together and start our own civilization but instead let's just not do that.

The Bachelor: The Women Tell All. And Then Pile on Michelle.

“The Bachelor: The Women Tell All” is a ritual of public humiliation in which the women who are not one of the Final 2 in the running to be Brad’s TV Wife are heavily made-up and herded onto a soundstage so they can berate one another. It’s horrifying but also fascinating because it confirms what we suspected about these women: they’re much smarter and meaner than they pretended not to be on the show.

BUT FIRST we are treated to scenes of some kind of Bachelor reunion parties in New York and LA. These parties are apparently designed to lure contestants into signing contracts while drunk to appear on the execrable “Bachelor Pad” and also to get Frog Prince Kasey laid. (Which, BTW, I read somewhere he was dating Vienna. That’s a match made in the Ninth Circle of some Reality Hell.)

Anyway, then we’re treated to a recap of supposedly controversial moments on the show and then we go back to live and everyone starts piling on Michelle. Thuis apparently makes for good TV, since Michelle has been cast as the villain this year but maybe she was just sarcastic. I could see that being a problem with this crowd. I’m not sure sarcasm registers. Jackie calls her a “spider,” because Jackie just learned the word “spider” and wants to use it. Also, Madison the Vampire Girl has suddenly developed a personality.

After a commercial break and an opportunity for every single girl to say the phrase “here for the right reasons,” it’s time for Michelle to sit down with Chris Harrison. Chris says it’s “hard to explain until you’re in y’all’s heels.” WAIT WHAT. What’s with the “y’alls,” Chris Harrison? Oh, wait, he’s from Dallas so I guess he can get away with that. Everyone is being very mean to Michelle. “Look at me. I can’t even breathe,” she says. For some reason, this generates applause in the audience. Stacey the bartender says Michelle should have put her child first! That’s very mean! Britt thinks everyone hates Michelle because she’s “ridiculously gorgeous.” WHOA BRITT. That’s a different show.

Now we have segments on a few of the chicks. Nanny Ashley’s dream is to be a great wife and mother. Nanny Ashley, I remind you, is 26 years old. She needs to read Jezebel or a book or something. Dentist Ashley now has brown hair and opines that it was a “defense mechanism” that kept her from TV love. Would that everyone was equipped with such a mechanism. Then she goes into Manic Giggly Mode and we all lose interest again.

Brad comes out and we see some tape of him and Chris visiting a preschool in South Africa and bestowing a hot water heater on them and the whole thing is so staged it’s borderline uncomfortable but I guess a good water heater is a good water heater. The only other thing of interest is an outtake reel they show and WOW HOLY SHIT Brad actually DOES have a personality, they’ve just edited any trace of it out this season. For most of the show he’s been 20 bpm above cadaver stage but on the outtake reel he’s like Robin Williams after an 8-ball. Who knew!

Next week is the finale and then we can move past this together, thank God.

The Bachelor: It’s a very large land full of some very exotic wild animals.

Nearing the Dramatic Conclusion now, and we have found ourselves in South Africa. I hope the wedding is there too! Then they can get t-shirts made that say “We Apar-Tied the Knot in South Africa!” Let’s get started with a bunch of filler. Greatest Moments of Chantal Crying. Ashley worrying because she is a normal person and gets upset that her pretend boyfriend is dating other people. Blah blah blah.

Time for some dating, South African-style! Here comes Chantal. Ohhh, girlfriend’s been stress-eating. Not a good time to hit the Sizzler, sweetie! They’re off on a safari. Not the shooting endangered animals kind, sadly. No, the look-at-the-heavily-sedated-lions kind. Brad sees a giraffe: “This is his home.” Very good, Brad! Now, what does the cow say? They have a little picnic by the river while a hippopotamus malevolently stares at them. Little do they know that this is the most dangerous animal they’ve encountered all day. For real! They start kissing as the hippo stalks them. Well, as much as a hippo can stalk anything, I guess.

Dinner and a long talk about how Important and Serious marriage is. Hey, since that last one didn’t work out, Chantal, how about marrying someone you’ve gone on 5 dates with on TV? That should be a mortal lock for Marriage Success. Chris Harrison sends a little note along and wants to know if they want to hook up in the Fantasy Suite. Chantal is on that like lion on a wildebeest. They go check it out and it’s a big open treehouse kind of thing. Like a lazy susan for predators. Anything that can climb a tree can feast on Chantal’s innards. They probably get it on but I don’t want to think about it.

Next up: Lifetime Emily. Brad picks her up on an elephant, which is the safari equivalent of a Hummer limo but doesn’t come with champagne. They cruise around for a while and then stop for a Meaningful Talk. Brad’s been thinking about Little Rickie “a lot.” CREEPY! Then they make out a little.

Dinner. All these dates are the same. They talk about feelings and whatever and then it’s time to find out if Lifetime is DTF. She says she wants to set a good example for her daughter but, what the fuck, let’s get down. Hope Little Rickie’s not watching! “Now, Little Rickie, when a man and a woman are on a reality dating show and they are provided a free room, then it’s OK to get freakay because Jesus doesn’t look at Africa.”

Ashley time! She’s her typical field-mouse-on-Adderall level of twitchiness. Helicopter ride! But Ash is scared. She has some kind of helicopophobia. Fuck, by this time, Brad could probably FLY the fucking thing, he’s been on so many goddam helicopters. Anyway, the crew sedates her or something and she gets on and they fly off to “God’s Window” which I thought was a kind of LSD but is actually a Kodak Picture Spot in Africa. Brad notes that “it’s a very large land full of some very exotic wild animals.” Guess he’s got his Topic Sentence for his How I Spent My Vacation report all done! They have a picnic and talk about where they might live. She says maybe Southern Maine. Maybe no fucking way, Ashley!

Dinner time! Ashley tells him she can bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan but Brad’s not buying it. He seems more in the market for a Stay At Home Whatever than a Highly Driven Dentist. This is not going well. They head back to the Fantasy Suite and sit awkwardly next to each other. This date needs more drinking or some ecstasy or something. That usually works.

OK, let’s get this shit done. Following a content-free Pre-Rose confab with Chris Harrison, it’s time to cut someone. I think we all know what’s going to happen here. Brad goes down to the Chick Elimination Platform and tells Ash to come with him. They go back behind the hotel and one of the safari guys shoots her in the head and they sell her hide to poachers. Not really, she just gets dumped and put into the Range Rover of Tears, which is subbing for the Limo of Tears because we’re in Africa. Brad pauses for the Dramatic Head Bow Over the Railing. Since there’s 2 roses and 2 chicks, there’s not a lot of dramatic tension here. So our Final 2 are Lifetime Emily and Filthy Rich Chantal. HMMMMM SHOULD I PICK THE CHICK WHO ALREADY HAS A KID AND IS IN LOVE WITH A DEAD RACECAR DRIVER OR THE SUPER RICH ONE??? HMMMMMM.

The Bachelor: Look at this fucking family

We have finally arrived at the Family Visit Episode, which, for the uninitiated, involves the Bachelor (or ‘Rette, as the case may be) visiting the 4 finalists at home. Usually their parents’ homes. Awkwardness and, if we’re lucky, weirdness ensue.

First it’s off to Seattle to meet Chantal’s family. They meet up in a park and Chantal better not get near any open flame because that Forever 21 100% poly shirt would go up like a Molotov cocktail. They drop by Chantal’s house and, as The Wife asked, “How is it this 25-year-old bitch lives in her own huge fully-furnished house?” Worth asking, even if the furnishings are not exactly what I’d pick. Soon we find out when we go to her parents’ HOLY SHIT GINORMOUS FUCKING FAUX ITALIAN MANSION. Jesus Christ, this is what happens when people with zero taste get rich. Dad, who’s clearly had some work done and has a shiny smooth sheen, and Brad go off to Dad’s wing or whatever and Dad shows him his massive “Self-Made Man” sculpture that looks like something you’d get from the SkyMall catalog. Oh God, now Brad’s gotta go on about his Absent Father. Dad says he would approve of their TV Marriage. The only thing missing was a cash register CHA-CHING sound when Brad hears this. Fuck owning a bar, I’mma be on E-Z STREET MOTHAFUCKA.

Hey, in this commercial for L’Oreal “Youth Code,” we are advised that this is a “fantasy scene” and “You can’t actually grow younger.” Fuck you, L’Oreal!

OK, now we travel to Mackahawkamonaka, Maine to see Ashley. This part of Maine is apparently in Canada and everyone’s speaking French and eating poutine, no joke. Hey, they keep calling it “poo-TAN,” but I always heard it was “poo-TEEN.” Which one is right, French speakers? Anyway, poutine is french fries covered with cheese and gravy and obviously was invented by a HUGE STONER. Ashley’s parents live in a normal house and not an Italian-themed casino. Her sister’s all tatted up like a Suicide Girl which I was not expecting. Everyone talks about how Ashley’s almost done with her schooling but WTF? I thought she was already a dentist! Is she going to be some kind of Super Dentist or something? Brad leaves with a paper bag full of household items he’s stolen.

Following what appears to be an actual ad for Shawntel’s Family Mortuary, we arrive in Chico ready to Get Our Dead On. Brad arrives and gets a nice tour of the mausoleum but Shawntel just wants to get him on the prep table and pretend to embalm him. This is making someone in America very hot, I guarantee you. We are fucked as a society. ANYWAY, Shawntel finishes her Faux Embalming and they leave after a quick peek at the crematorium! That’s where they burn up the dead people, Brad!



Shawntel has a couple of blonde sisters who are kinda hot and are named Destiny and Vanessa, so they don’t even have to pick different stripper names! They’re all set. Dad brings up how the plan is for Shawntel to be the Chief Dead Person Dealer-With. Awkward! He lays a serious guilt trip on her but then says it’s cool if she leaves. Maybe Destiny and Vanessa can run the funeral home! It’ll be a Sexy Funeral Home! Ugh, can’t believe I typed that.

Next up: Charlotte, NC, where Lifetime Emily reunites with Lil Rickie. Here comes Brad. Uh-oh, Lil Rickie doesn’t want to meet Brad! “I hate New Daddy! Hate him!” Brad gives her a kite. “Tell him what you want to be when you grow up,” Lifetime says and Brad looks confused but she’s talking to the kid. A racecar driver, I hope! Oh, no, an animal doctor. You and every other girl in the US. Lil Rickie is generally moping and being sullen and is actually kind of a cockblock, if you want to get real. She also kind of sucks at kite flying. They head back to the House That Insurance Money Built and play some Candyland and then Lil Rickie goes to sleep. Brad and Lifetime are sitting downstairs and he gets all weird and won’t kiss her because the kid’s upstairs. WTF? Even Lifetime can’t figure this bullshit out. She finally breaks him down and they have a little front door makeout party. Also, I guess Lifetime doesn't have parents.

Back to NYC. Chris Harrison recaps a little to fill out the 2 hours. Then it’s time to hand out the hardware. Ashley first, then Lifetime, so it’s down to Chantal and Shawntel. SHOW ME THE MONEY. Later, Morticia. She actually takes it pretty well! She’s “never been treated like that in a relationship,” so I guess her past boyfriends have never been on a major network. Oh well. Back to the stiffs with ye.

The Bachelor: Let's Talk It Out.

So we’re off to the tropical isle of Anguilla and the CuisinArt Resort & Spa where the guests learn to dice food into uniform cubes. First we have a Solo Date with Lifetime Emily. The inevitable helicopter arrives to take them, hopefully, to a racecar track. Oh, boo, it’s a private island. Time for Awkward Picnic on the Beach. They have some boring conversation about how pretty it is and then make out. Seriously, both of these lugs are about as interesting as a stick of butter, so maybe they’re perfect for each other. Oblig. dinner on the beach follows. They “liked” their day together! They also like Wonder Bread, mayonnaise, saltines, The Lion King, and clouds. Brad wants to know if he can meet Little Rickie or Rikki or whatever. SPOILER he can, it’s in the promos later in the show. But Lifetime’s all cagey about it. The only damage it could do is that she might get BORED TO DEATH, Emily.

Meanwhile, we are subjected to an ad for “Red Riding Hood” which appears to be a horror movie version of the fairy tale of the same name. WHAT THE FUCK. Really, Hollywood? Next up: “RUMPLESTILSKIN: This Time, It’s Personal.”

Solo Date with the Funeral Director. You guys, sometimes she looks pretty hot and sometimes not. She’s her own personal Hot or Not. They bike around past the poors and then stop at a Totally Spontaneous Farmer’s Market with Steel Drum Band. Shawntel pretends to play dominoes and maybe accidentally just lost 500 Anguilla pounds or rupees or brightly colored beads or whatever they use on Anguilla. Then Crazy Old Voodoo Lady curses them to sit on the grass with huge goblets of red wine and talk. Blah blah blah relationship talk.

Dinner by – wait for it – The Beach!!! More fucking relationship talk. This episode has had by far the most relationship talk and thus, as a guy, has been the most boring for me. Then local legend Bankie Banx shows up to play some reggae mon and also collect on that dominoes money Shawntel owns. He’s gonna dispense a Jamaican necktie on your ass, Shawntel! I just made that up. I don't think there's any such thing as a "Jamaican necktie." The kids escape by swimming in the ocean. You can spot Shawntel by her enormous tramp stamp. That’s not even a tramp stamp. That’s a tramp parcel post. She’s from Chico, what do you want? Getting a tramp stamp is like going to a debutante ball up there.

Solo Date with Britt next. They hitch a ride on a drug cartel kingpin yacht and do a little cliff diving followed by sitting awkwardly next to each other. Clearly Chantal’s been eating Britt’s portions at dinner because girlfriend looks like a few pencils held together by an ugly bikini. Day turns to night on the USS Dumped. Dinner on the fantail features failure loin and socially retarded greens. Britt has less personality than Brad, which means that single-celled bacteria find her “a bit of a bore.” She gets sent off in the dinghy. That’s not a euphemism. Back at Camp Less Dumped Than You, the other chicks console Britt but it is time for her to go.

Group date: posing for swimsuit photos at dawn! It’s every girl’s dream. Chantal regrets eating all of Britt’s food. Ashley and Chantal both pop their tops right the fuck off, but Michelle opts for a little Tongue Time lying on Brad instead and this makes the other 2 sad. Brad knows he fucked up and feels real real real bad. What follows next is the most boring pool party of all time, which consists of Brad and the chicks talking about feelings feelings feelings feelings and everyone cries. Ashley won’t stop blubbering so she gets the Please Stop Crying Rose. That’s a real thing, I know cause I’m a guy.

Time for the Cocktail Party but HOLY SHIT BRAD CANCELS THE COCKTAIL PARTY. In the world of The Bachelor, this news is treated like Kelsey Grammer became the next president of Egypt. After the shock wears off, we proceed straight to the Rose Ceremony. Lifetime Emily, duh, then Funeral Director, and it’s down to Chantal and Michelle. WHOA, he kicked off Crazy Michelle. Surprisingly, she does not murder everyone there including the crew, but silently leaves, plotting how she will kill Brad.

Family visits next week! You know that’s my fave!

The Bachelor: Stalk This Way

We now find ourselves in Costa Rica. This gives the producers a good opportunity to show Brad meandering through the jungle and staring meaningfully at a waterfall. Meanwhile, the chicks arrive at the Springs Resort and Spa, where Michelle hopes Chantal “gets attacked by monkeys. Or apes.” Or some other higher primate. Like Brad!

Solo date with Chantal, the Overly Emotional Normal Girl. Finally, it’s fucking Helicopter Time. Where have the helicopters been this year? They are going ziplining through the jungle, which will be a metaphor for their relationship. Is ziplining a thing? Like, are there ziplining hobbyists and a National Ziplining Association and stuff? Anyway, post-zipping, there’s a picnic by the river and it starts raining and this is also a metaphor for their relationship. Luckily, there is a nearby hotel room to take refuge in! Brad happens to have some dessert handy. Watch that cheesecake, Chantal, looks like you’ve already put on a few! She’s wearing one of his shirts like she’s in a Cotton ad and gets the Almost Naked Rose.

Group date. They’re going Waterfall Rappelling. Jesus, what’s next, BASE jumping? Build and fly your own airplane into a hurricane? I would keep Michelle away from the rope when the other girls are rappelling. She is mad and starts hitting Brad. Here is a preview of the rest of your life with Michelle, Brad. Physical violence and mental illness. I wonder what happened to Michelle as a child.

It’s Hot Springs Bikini Time. Michelle says “Watching Brad take his shirt off makes you want to go home and [bleep] [bleep].” What did they bleep out? “Bowflex drunk”? “Watch House”? “Roofie yourself”? Hey, what does Brad’s back tatt say? What is that, “Prosepia”? Did he sell ad space on his back to a hair restoration product? Pretty smart move, Brad. No one gets a rose. Michelle says, “If he can’t make a decision, I’ll be forced to take matters into my own hands.” Don’t worry, Michelle, the next group date is free diving followed by Russian Roulette, so we should lose at least half the group doing that.

Solo date with Alli. They get on some tiny horses and ride off, followed by even tinier horses. It’s horses all the way down. They go into a cave that Brad says is 40 million years old. That sound you hear is creationists turning off their TVs in disgust. Some horror movie shit goes down inside the cave with bats flying around and lethal spiders and some rock formation called the “Altar” that’s clearly where the human sacrifices happen. Then they get to have dinner sitting upright like normal people. For the first time, there’s a girl more interested in the food than Brad! “What is this, chicken?” No, Alli, it’s Spider Loaf with a Cricket Drizzle. Alli’s been Friend Zoned from way back and she gets the Teary Drive-Away.

Brad’s back in his hotel room trying to “process how he’s feeling” without the help of TV Therapist when Crazy Michelle shows up! WTF is up with this chick and her stalking! She opines that she likes he got rid of Alli but is mad that he kept Chantal. Bitch, get your own dating show! Then you can decide yourself!

Cocktail Party time. Ugh, this is boring. Lifetime Emily knows she said she likes to sabotage relationships but won’t sabotage THIS one. Michelle starts crying to make Brad like her again. She either has a tack in her shoe or is imagining a dead puppy because she is a dead husk and has no actual emotions. Shawntel wants to have a Silence Contest, which does not make for particularly compelling TV. Chantal is in love with Brad and his Dessert Delivery Service.

Let’s hand out some roses. Pretty much what you’d expect. The last one comes down to Michelle or Jackie. Michelle’s human mask almost slips off but she holds it together. Jackie and her nose get the boot and head off to their bright future impersonating that chick from Glee. Next week we are off to “Anguilla,” which, frankly, sounds made-up.

The Bachelor: We're all facing a lot of inner demons today

Just when I thought I was going to give up on a season that features extended segments of the Main Character getting therapy, the Bachelor delivers this week with the awesome spectacle of shoving death in the face of an emotionally fragile girl. AWESOME.

Chris Harrison arrives to kick things off and tells everyone we’re going to Vegas now. Specifically, we’re going to this week’s sponsor, the Aria Hotel, which looks like a waterfall threw up on Logan’s Run and has a website that AUTOPLAYS MUSIC FUCK YOU ARIA. The girls get settled in the Larry Flynt Suite and Shawntel the Mortician goes on her solo date, wearing an outfit that looks like she pulled it out of someone’s dirty clothes pile. But we’ll fix that by going on a shopping spree at Fendi and Prada and whatnot and ABC just bought this chick a $5,000 purse. Too bad ABC’s not a guy or ABC would be getting laid for sure. Then Morticia brings it all back to rub it in the faces of those other bitches! Michelle tries to shoot cancer into Shawntel with her eyes.

Then Morticia gets another date! You get one guess what it’s going to be. If you did not guess “Rooftop Dinner,” you are sentenced to watch “Castle” without taking opiates. YOU’LL TRY HARDER NEXT TIME WON’T YOU. Morticia comes out to him as a funeral director. Brad is scarily too interested. She gives him a little talk about embalming in which she uses the words “leakage,” “orifices,” and “insert,” but even worse, bitch chews with her mouth open. GROSS. Just because your Corpse Friends don’t care doesn’t mean we don’t. Fireworks go off and Dead People Time is over.

Back at the Aria Las Vegas, the chicks are told the Group Date theme is “Let’s Go Speed Dating.” Sadly, this will not involve unlimited meth and wild animals. It’s actually at the NASCAR racetrack! Just when I doubted you, ABC, you pull out the stops and take the chick whose baby daddy was a racecar driver and died on his way to a race out to the track for the “NASCAR Experience”!!!! LOVE IT, ABC!!! Not only that, Dead Racecar Driver crashed at this very track and that ended his racing career. Not his flying to races career, obviously! But the whole thing is so perfectly twisted you have to love it. Did you mate die in a horrible boating accident? TIME FOR WATER SKIING!!!! Fell off a cliff? RAPELLING IS FUN!!!!

Amazingly, SHE IS GOING TO DRIVE THE RACECAR. Little Rickie is very nervous! Lifetime Emily is the last parent she’s got! Luckily, Emily never gets over 35 mph. Then it’s off to the inevitable pool party. It’s basically the Emily Party and chicks is PISSED because Brad’s spending all his time with her. Crazy Michelle takes him aside and tells him there are “a lot of immature girls here.” Chantal cries. I secretly hope Emily made up the whole Ricky story.

HEAD TO HEAD CAGE MATCH DEATH DATE with the Ashleys. Two will go on a date, but only one will return. The sad part is that one will return. The whole thing involves this Super Fucking Retarded Elvis Cirque du Soleil show that oldsters probably cream over but looks like the dumbest fucking thing in the history of theater. Nanny Ashley says she “is going to be fighting a lot of inner demons today.” What, did your boyfriend die in a circus accident? She keeps talking about how she’ll never find love but CHRIST LADY YOU’RE 22 FUCKING YEARS OLD and you live in NYC and you’re reasonably attractive. Fuck finding love, you should be finding the VIP rooms of clubs with professional athletes and mounds of cocaine. Love isn’t going anywhere, sweetie, but you’re only 22 in New York once. Anyway, she gets cut and she and her Silly Bandz are headed back to the Upper West Side. “I feel like someone punched me in the stomach. And the heart,” she says. Ugh, I feel like someone punched me in the head, so we’re even.

Brad places a call to his TV Therapist who’s hanging out on some patio furniture and waiting for the call to get his own syndicated show. TV Therapist makes up some bullshit about trusting your inner voice or something, I don’t know. It’s so boring I kind of blacked out.

Finally, we get to the Cocktail Party and can start wrapping this shit up. He shines on Marissa with some champagne and dessert but she has Dead Chick Walking written all over her. Crazy Michelle takes him in the backroom and, I don’t know, threatens to disembowel his family if he doesn’t pick her. No surprises, Marissa and some chick named Lisa who I don’t think I’ve ever seen before get cut. Onward and upward.

The Bachelor: Crazy Michelle Is Upsetting the Herd

Let us now rejoin Human Lump of Oatmeal Brad and his quest to find a mate. Crazy Michelle begins the show by demonstrating her suitability for the job by giving herself a black eye in her sleep. Around here, we call that I Get the Kids and the House and the Restraining Order When the Cops See This. Oh boy.

Brad goes on a Solo Date with Chantal. I like Chantal! She’s cute and doesn’t seem fucked up, so something’s wrong here. First helicopter sighting of the season! They are off to Catalina Island to have a romantic walk on the beach walk on the floor of the ocean like they’re in some cheap sci-fi movie. WTF? Chantal is terrified of the water but she gamely dons the plastic headgear and goes under and promptly drowns. No, not really. No one ever dies on this show. After that odd interlude concludes, it’s time for the classic Romantic Dinner on the Beach. Chantal’s been married before but “totally” wants to get married again. Unfortunately, Human Lump of Oatmeal is the only Available Mate within arm’s reach. STAY ALIVE CHANTAL I WILL MARRY YOU IF MY CURRENT THING DOESN’T WORK OUT.

Group date time! They’re off to appear with Dr. Drew on Loveline. Dr. Drew now has a clause in his contract where he has to appear on every reality show. Have you ever listened to Loveline? It’s kind of awesome. Every single chick who calls in was abused as a child. And then they talk about anal sex. Apparently being abused as a child is the leading cause of listening to Loveline. Anyway, disappointingly, none of Our Gals want to talk about anal lube or shooting heroin into someone’s penis. Instead, Dr. Drew lamely asks them who’s cheated. Everyone lies except for one chick. Dr. Drew falls asleep from boredom.

Off to a Hot Tub Party at Brad’s pad. Why are some chicks wearing swimsuits and some not? The Wife explains: “Because some of them think they’re fat and aren’t getting into a bikini next to Miss Two Percent Body Fat.” Brad starts having Alone Time with the chicks in like 30-second increments and meanwhile it’s getting all Lord of the Flies in the hot tub and soon somebody’s going to freak out. Britt gets the rose. Wasn’t she the one who was so uptight she wouldn’t hold hands like 2 episodes ago? Now she’s doing Personal Endoscopy on Human Lump with her tongue.

Time for a Solo Date with Crazy Michelle. More helicopters!



Where are they going? Hopefully to a State Facility where Michelle can get the help she badly needs. No, they’re landing on a skyscraper in LA and now they’re going to rappel down the side. Those helmets will certainly be helpful in a 60-story fall. Natch, CM’s afraid of heights. This should cure that.

(SIDE NOTE: Want to rappel over a steep cliff and be totally safe with no problems at all? This eHow article should tell everything you need to know. LOLz.)

Then they take a swim in the obligatory pool and she unhinges her jaw and swallows him whole. On to the rooftop pool dinner. Brad wants to meet CM’s daughter, who is apparently named either Braille or Brill. Maybe he wants to find out if the black eye thing is genetic.

Oh Christ, another meeting with the therapist? Waaaah, Doctor! Should I buy whole milk or 2%? Is Animaniacs any good? Do you like this shirt? Jesus Christ, Brad, grow the fuck up. It's a reality show, not dissociative identity disorder.

Time for the Cocktail Party. Funeral Director reminds Brad that she exists by jumping on him. Whoa, Holy Botox, Batman! I just noticed that her forehead is frozen solid. She makes Nicole Kidman look like a shar-pei. Oh no, now Chantal and her Man’s Chunky Watch are crying! Everyone’s a little emotional. It’s from drinking 24/7. Trust me.

Who gets cut? Marissa! Who the fuck is Marissa? Also Stacey the bartender and Lindsay the pre-Raphaelite first grade teacher and some other chick. Just marry Lifetime Emily and get it over with.

The Bachelor: Dead to Me

If there’s one thing Martin Luther King Jr. would have wanted, it would be for a blandly handsome white man with permanent stubble to be on TV every week picking his next wife from a stable of desperate, attention-craving white women, so YOUR DREAM HAS BEEN REALIZED DR. KING and let’s get on with it.

Nanny Ashley is awarded a solo date and responds with a sound audible only to dogs. Crazy Michelle is ANGRY, a theme we will return to again and again tonight. So off Brad and Ashley go. Is Ashley wearing Silly Bandz? That seems about right. Like many LA daters, they go to Studio A at Capitol Records to record a cover of Seal’s “Kiss from a Rose.” This reminds Ashley of her Dead Father. As we shall see, if you don’t have a Dead Person in your life, you are SOL in this episode. Anyway, they go down the hall and there’s REAL SEAL singing the same song! What a coincidence! Then Mr. Seal plays some other song no one cares about. They go and have dinner on the roof of the Capitol building and she tells him about her Dad dying and then they slow dance and make out. I don’t get why it was such a big secret. Also, it appears that Brad is only capable of kissing while slow dancing.

Big Group Date with Crazy Michelle and a bunch of others. They go film some faux action movie scenes and it’s mostly boring except when he’s making out with the Funeral Director and Crazy Michelle shoots crazy eyes at them. She is VERY ANGRY. Off to another in what will be a season-long series of rooftop pools. Chantal gets to try out her Dead Father story and see if it beats Ashley’s. It seems she hadn’t talked to him in 15 years and calls him up and he was dead. That’s better than Ashley’s!

Back at the house, Lifetime Emily is telling the Dead Racecar Driver story and JESUS CHRIST THIS EPISODE HAS MORE DEATH THAN A SMALLPOX EPIDEMIC.

Cut back to the pool. Brad is chatting up Alli. The girl, not the obesity pill. It’s fine and blah blah blah whatever when EEE EEE EEE there’s Crazy Michelle stalking up on them!!! Run!! Save yourselves!! Apparently no one died on Michelle, so she’s SOL tonight. Morticia gets a rose. She’s obvi in the lead because she gets to see dead people every day!

Solo date w/ Lifetime Emily. What is she wearing? Some kind of gramma shawl thrown over a Laura Ashley bedspread jumper. They get jetted off to Santa Maria and have dinner in a hay-covered barn lit by candles! That thing is going to go up like, I don’t know, like a hay-covered barn with candles everywhere. Perhaps sensing her own imminent fiery death, Lifetime breaks down and tells the Legend of Racecar Ricky, which ends, maybe, in a plane crash? “They flew there, and the plane never landed there,” she says. Some say it still flies through the night skies! If you listen closely to the wind, you can hear the sound of a 750 horsepower V-8! Lifetime gets a rose because everyone who has a Death Story gets a rose. Michelle’s Dad should sleep with one eye open tonight!

Brad is pacing around the Bachelor Mansion and looking troubled. Here comes a Guest Therapist With an Accent to sort him out! This guy is clearly angling for his own Dr. Oz-type show. He tells Brad about his father dying. Not really, he tells him some bullshit about opening his heart or something. I wasn’t really listening.

We’re getting there. Cocktail Party. Brad chats with Alli, who has a good story about Dad cheating on Mom and surprising her with a new sister but disappointingly, no one dies in the story so Brad kind of loses interest. HERE COMES CRAZY MICHELLE throwing herself in his path. He manages to get away and is having Feelings Time with Morticia when Michelle creeps up AGAIN. She demands an explanation about WHY HE’S KISSING THOSE OTHER GIRLS. I don’t know where to start with this crazy bitch.

Oh no, it seems that Madison is leaving! She takes out her Vampire teeth to show she’s serious. She may not be Here for the Right Reasons.

It’s finally fucking time for the Rose Ceremony. Madison books in the middle of it because she feels like the other girls deserve it more. Brad, don’t look so concerned. She’s a model in NYC rocking some serious sideboob. Her options include rock stars and investment bankers. She’s gonna be fine, trust me.

Yadda yadda yadda all the usuals get a rose. The last one goes to Stacey. Who the fuck is she? Is she on this show? This week’s cuts: Older Chick and Tiny Mouth. Between the two of them, they show off the 2 ways to leave: Angry Defiance and Weepy Sadness. There is a better life waiting for all of us.

Bachelor Jesus: The Girls of Galilee

It’s only Week 2 and I’m already dying over here. Why did they have to put this on during Sober January? Only 2 more weeks. I know three weeks is the 31st but that’s close enough motherfucker. Don’t make me watch this show without booze any more please.

Time for some dating! Dr. Hairflip is up first. She dons some kind of Tinkerbell-meets-Lady-GaGa getup and off they go. He drives her down an isolated dirt road where he rapes and murders her. Oh, wait, this isn’t Lifetime. They come across some kind of electrical switch which she flips and sadly is not electrocuted but instead they are at some kind of Super Creepy Carnival of the Woods that would scare the crap out of Stephen King. I mean, there is blood literally dripping from the Tornado.

(SIDE NOTE: To confirm all your worst fears about carnival rides, please consult RideAccidents.com regularly. Thank you.)

So they have some wholesome-y type fun and a big makeout session and puke up wine coolers or whatever people do at carnivals. Dr. Hairflip has an alkie dad who’s MIA and is probably the guy outside Zain’s liquors on 3rd Street. This prompts Brad to whine some more about his Absent Dad. Oh, for fuck’s sake, every fucking episode we have to hear about this deadbeat. At this point I want him to appear and go “OK!!! I’M RIGHT FUCKING HERE!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT!!??!!” Hairflip gets a rose.

Next we have 15 Crazy Bitches in a Hummer limo for what’s either a group date or a rap video. It’s some kind of bullshit Red Cross thing to encourage people to give blood. I’ve already slit my wrists so Mission Accomplished. So they’re filming fake PSAs. Ugh, this is painful to watch. Britt says she doesn’t want to do the threesome scene because she’s a food writer from Woodinville, Virginia, but then she basically makes Girls Gone Wild look like Little Women and I guess Woodinville is more fun than we knew. Michelle is an Attention Whore because she’s not getting enough attention. This behavior is rewarded, just like in real life.

Now it’s off to the rooftop pool at the Roosevelt Downtown, which is a loft building that went bankrupt. Just like this show, creatively. BAM see what I did there? Anyway, Melissa the Crispy Waitress is embroiled in some kind of conflict with Raichel. Michelle wants to dissect him and peel away the layers. So do we all, Michelle. So do we all.

Solo date with Jackie the Emotionally Underdeveloped Artist Who Needs a Nose Job. It is to be her very own “Pretty Woman Experience”! Except getting paid to fuck strangers. They go to the Hollywood Bowl and have dinner on stage and talk. Jackie says she never had a boyfriend in college but can’t bring herself to tell him she was a LUG. She gets a rose for some reason. Then SURPRISE!!! Train appears. Now they have to listen to Train play. I know what you’re thinking: “This isn’t a commercial for something or the receptionist’s desk. Why is Train playing?” Oddly, they don’t kill Train and then themselves like any sane person would do. Man, I don’t get paid enough to listen to this.

Time for the Cocktail Party, a perfect end to a day of boredom and loathing. Michelle swoops in to grill Brad about his dietary habits and fave coffee. She’s crazy, which I like. Then some time alone with Lifetime Movie Emily. Blah blah blah. When are you gonna tell him about Racecar Baby, Emily? Spring it on him after the engagement, that’s the ticket.

More Crispy Melissa-Raichel fighting. Raichel says “Jesus does love me. That’s why I will stay.” She is apparently on a different dating show! Bachelor Jesus! “On this date, I thought we would feed all of Echo Park with this loaf of artisan bread and then take a ride on my magic carpet! I will grant you three wishes. You may not wish for additional wishes.” That’s how Jesus works. (NOTE TO ABC: THIS IS MY IDEA DO NOT STEAL IT.)

Oh hey, here come Roberto and Ali to see who is Here for the Right Reasons! Ali lost her dime store extensions and now looks like a Real Live Girl. They will interview the potential candidates for the job of Future Wife and see who measures up. Knowing Ali and Roberto, I imagine the first question might be “Can you help us with the TV Guide crossword? What is Cheers star Ted?”

Finally, God help us, time for the cuts. Bye to both troublemakers Crispy Melissa and Jesus-dating Raichel. Then Keltie, who admits she will die alone. This was her last chance. Apparently Keltie has never tried Walking Into a Bar Anywhere in America. Anyway, whatever.

The Bachelor: At least one of us had therapy to prepare for this nightmare

I actually wasn’t going to do this season until I realized that (1) it’s coming on during Sober January and because it’s SJ my life resembles that of a Bubble Boy with agoraphobia and there really won’t be much else to write about and (2) I don’t remember what 2 was. So I guess I’m stuck with it.

Chris Harrison tells us this will be the Most Shocking Season Yet! Does that mean they finally found someone normal to be on the show? Oh, no, it doesn’t. They found Brad, who’s been on the show before. That’s how bad it is. The selection of people who want to be debased on national television is so thin that we must resort to subjecting the same poor fucks to this treatment over and over.

Brad apparently “stunned and infuriated” people the last time he was on the show by – NOT MAKING THIS UP – not picking anyone at all. That’s right: America was driven to tears of rage by Brad’s refusal to marry someone he had known for 6 weeks on national TV. HOW COULD YOU FAIL US IN THIS WAY BRAD? The whole experience sent Brad into therapy. He’s better now or something.

Let’s meet some chicks! Dentist, Funeral Director, Nanny with Dead Father Issues, Executive Assistant who Has Live Father Issues and is Divorced, a self-described “Manscaper,” a Faux Vampire/Model/Obvious Child Abuse Survivor, and a Walking Lifetime Movie with a Dead Racecar Husband and a Girl named Rickie. Or Ricki. Or Rikki. This is not made plain. Because Dad was named Rickie. The Wife sums it up: “These are clearly the sociopaths from other seasons who weren’t picked to be on the show.” So mean!

Time for Brad to sit down with Chris Harrison and talk about his therapy. Blah blah blah his Dad was never around and said he was going to pick him up and then never did and then had him come live with him and then kicked him out. Brad, let me help you out:


Oh, here come the chicks he didn’t pick 3 years ago for a Fake Confrontation. They both sit with their massive engagement rocks proudly on display. As it turns out, he did not Ruin Their Lives. Chris Harrison looks a little disappointed. This shit is faker than WWE. He says they have made him a better person. That’s the Zoloft, silly!

OK, let’s meet the psychos. The first chick slaps him because America is Mad at Him and also she has anger issues and sees him as her Distant Father. I think. Nanny Ashley grabs his ass. She is a good influence on her young charges! Then we have some chick in Katy Perry shoes and a stripper dress. Ashley the Dentist flips her hair a lot and screams desperation. Madison has fake – I mean, I think they’re fake – vampire teeth. She is one big Bag of Fucked Up. I kind of love her.


Jackie the Artist wants him to pinky swear that he won’t break her heart. I’m guessing her “art” involves fingerpaints and gluing macaroni to construction paper. Desperita does a fake marriage proposal. That will make someone nervous!

Another round of 15. Jesus, this is a lot. Oh, it’s the Mortician! “I think you can make anyone look good,” Brad says. Especially the recently deceased! Jill leads right off with “I’m ready to get married.” Can’t believe she’s single! “J” says it’s her birthday. She is asking for a full name this year. Then more come. God they keep coming. Like locusts.

OK, time to meet and greet with the Ladeez. He has to explain the Last Show Bullshit over and over and over. SO FUCKING BORING. Oh, first appearance of the phrase “Here for the Right Reasons!” That’s a classic. I think I also heard “Not here to make friends” earlier. The Manscaper does a little Manscaping on his wrist. Thank God that was the extent of it. Horrific details about Male Waxing then follow. Artist Jackie is going to sing. This turns out to be not such a great idea. She is a Strong Candidate to be the Kasey of this season. Alli wants to know if her ass looks fat. Some chick keeps stalking Brad around and “stealing him away” over and over and it gets really creepy and depressing.

Lifetime Movie gets some alone time. She’s not willing to settle. Except for a loser with father issues on national TV, I guess! MADISON TIME!!!! She tries to come off as all normal which is challenging when you look like Count Chocula crossed with a Barely Legal model. She is serious about being here! And being demonstrably damaged.

OK, let’s cull some bitches. Nanny Ashley gets the First Impression Rose and gets to stay. Madison gets the Childhood Trauma Survivor Rose. Lifetime Movie and Manscaper and Dr. Hairflip and Morticia and The Slapper all get to stay. Sorry, if you have a Big Chin you will not be riding this ride. Britnee weeps openly. Believe me, Britnee, this is not the end of the road.

COMING UP THIS SEASON: We travel to exotic destinations to watch desperate crazy people hurl themselves at one another. Way to go, ABC!