This is a partial list of things that unaccountably enrage me and probably shouldn't

1. People who take up 2 parking spaces

2. Perfectly able people who push the handicapped door opener button and then stand there and let the doors majestically swing open like they're the Queen of England

3. Recycling poachers

4. People who yell into their cell phones

5. People who chatter away obliviously on cell phones while they're blocking an aisle in the grocery store or blocking the sidewalk or something

6. Pretty much anyone talking on a cell phone in public, ever. Text, you bastards, text.

7. People who walk more than two abreast on a sidewalk. BONUS: They're walking slowly. DOUBLE BONUS: They're walking four abreast and all talking on cell phones.

8. iTunes

9. "There is a new version of iTunes available. Would you like to download?" Hey Apple, how about saving up the changes and just releasing a new version once every six months, instead of every other day?

10. The bagger at Safeway yesterday who put my bread at the bottom of the bag

11. Fox Sports

These Are the Things I Can Do Without #73, 41

#73: Justin Bieber

Since I'm not 12, Justin Bieber didn't explode into my consciousness like a white-hot supernova with a terrible haircut. No, instead he more or less seeped into my consciousness, like a slime mold with a terrible haircut. Now, I don't have a cold and dead heart and I can appreciate the sugary sweetness of a pop hit as much as the next person, but everything about this sawed-off little suburban nightmare makes my skin crawl.

Take a Xanax so you won't leap from your chair and smash your monitor and then we'll discuss:



Ugh. Ugh. It hurts so bad. Let's just start with the very disturbing fact that this little shit is apparently some type of teen sex idol and his fucking voice hasn't changed. I'm all for exploitation, but that is fucking creepy.

Then there's the faux-gangsta dialect he employs when his Good Friend Usher calls. Now, I imagine in real life and definitely in the world of this video, the only hardship JB has ever known is when he was late to soccer practice or Safeway was out of Honey Nut Cheerios, but you can tell he is DOWN because he says "Yo, Usher," and immediately affects a Fake Black Dialect and says "I can do dat."

I'm not even going to get into the song, an over-compressed, terribly-written, Autotuned-to-the-Gates-of-Hell piece of shit. I will point out that he addresses a young female suburbanite as "Shorty." I know I'm going to come off sounding like an Angry Oldster or a Dangerous Crank, but this really does suck.

#41: Fake Cheetos



I know you're eating macrobiotic and basically you have seaweed for lunch and you share a diet plan with a mature guinea pig and you would never eat swordfish because A it's overfished and B do you know how much mercury is in that? But when you lock the door and get ready to watch Every Mother's Worst Fear with Cheryl Ladd on Lifetime Movies Network, please at least have the dignity to buy ACTUAL CHEETOS, which are awesome and a gift from God, and not some fake Cheetos shit that I wouldn't even give my dog. Thank you.

These Are the Things I Can Do Without #114, 115

#114: Personal Space Invaders

You've got the whole train to be in, homeboy, do you have to stand directly on top of me? What is it about this particular one square foot that's so beguiling?

According to Important Scientific Research, Americans prefer 18 to 24 inches of personal space. (Digression - I encourage you to click on that link, just to enjoy the truly bizarre picture of the multiculti dance party. You just know that white woman in the dashiki is insufferable.) Now, don't get me wrong, I understand that mass transit is what it is and not everyone can be surrounded by their own personal Happiness Bubble on a crowded commuter train. But dude, when the train is MOSTLY EMPTY, there is no goddam reason why you have to stand RIGHT NEXT TO ME like we're dating.

(Further digression - Apropos of nothing, I highly recommend the Edupass guide to Cultural Differences, which is apparently aimed at students coming to the US for the first time. It is just priceless. For example, we learn in the "Toilets" section that "The words 'loo', 'earth closet', and 'usual offices' will generally not be understood by Americans." Earth closet?!?! AWESOME. But personally, I'm using "usual offices" from now on. How fucking cool is that? "Excuse me, I've got to go to the usual offices.")

Same goes in line at the bank. Feeling your hot breath on the back of my neck is pretty much the last thing I want, and it doesn't make the line move any faster if you're surgically attached to my back. Step off a little.

#115: Personalized License Plates

Oh, CHAD50, we could have just suspected that you were an asshole undergoing a midlife crisis as you cruised by in your Jetstream Blue Metallic Corvette. But you had to go and get a personalized license plate and remove all doubt.

Image courtesy of the indispensible Vanity Plates: Creepiness in 8 Characters or Less

What on Earth would move you to get a vanity plate? Can't you see that by putting 2COOL4U on your tag, you're proving the exact opposite? It's too bad that we can't require the numbnuts who get these things to get plates that actually reflect their real beings, like WATADBAG or IH8DADDY.