The Bachelor: It’s a very large land full of some very exotic wild animals.

Nearing the Dramatic Conclusion now, and we have found ourselves in South Africa. I hope the wedding is there too! Then they can get t-shirts made that say “We Apar-Tied the Knot in South Africa!” Let’s get started with a bunch of filler. Greatest Moments of Chantal Crying. Ashley worrying because she is a normal person and gets upset that her pretend boyfriend is dating other people. Blah blah blah.

Time for some dating, South African-style! Here comes Chantal. Ohhh, girlfriend’s been stress-eating. Not a good time to hit the Sizzler, sweetie! They’re off on a safari. Not the shooting endangered animals kind, sadly. No, the look-at-the-heavily-sedated-lions kind. Brad sees a giraffe: “This is his home.” Very good, Brad! Now, what does the cow say? They have a little picnic by the river while a hippopotamus malevolently stares at them. Little do they know that this is the most dangerous animal they’ve encountered all day. For real! They start kissing as the hippo stalks them. Well, as much as a hippo can stalk anything, I guess.

Dinner and a long talk about how Important and Serious marriage is. Hey, since that last one didn’t work out, Chantal, how about marrying someone you’ve gone on 5 dates with on TV? That should be a mortal lock for Marriage Success. Chris Harrison sends a little note along and wants to know if they want to hook up in the Fantasy Suite. Chantal is on that like lion on a wildebeest. They go check it out and it’s a big open treehouse kind of thing. Like a lazy susan for predators. Anything that can climb a tree can feast on Chantal’s innards. They probably get it on but I don’t want to think about it.

Next up: Lifetime Emily. Brad picks her up on an elephant, which is the safari equivalent of a Hummer limo but doesn’t come with champagne. They cruise around for a while and then stop for a Meaningful Talk. Brad’s been thinking about Little Rickie “a lot.” CREEPY! Then they make out a little.

Dinner. All these dates are the same. They talk about feelings and whatever and then it’s time to find out if Lifetime is DTF. She says she wants to set a good example for her daughter but, what the fuck, let’s get down. Hope Little Rickie’s not watching! “Now, Little Rickie, when a man and a woman are on a reality dating show and they are provided a free room, then it’s OK to get freakay because Jesus doesn’t look at Africa.”

Ashley time! She’s her typical field-mouse-on-Adderall level of twitchiness. Helicopter ride! But Ash is scared. She has some kind of helicopophobia. Fuck, by this time, Brad could probably FLY the fucking thing, he’s been on so many goddam helicopters. Anyway, the crew sedates her or something and she gets on and they fly off to “God’s Window” which I thought was a kind of LSD but is actually a Kodak Picture Spot in Africa. Brad notes that “it’s a very large land full of some very exotic wild animals.” Guess he’s got his Topic Sentence for his How I Spent My Vacation report all done! They have a picnic and talk about where they might live. She says maybe Southern Maine. Maybe no fucking way, Ashley!

Dinner time! Ashley tells him she can bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan but Brad’s not buying it. He seems more in the market for a Stay At Home Whatever than a Highly Driven Dentist. This is not going well. They head back to the Fantasy Suite and sit awkwardly next to each other. This date needs more drinking or some ecstasy or something. That usually works.

OK, let’s get this shit done. Following a content-free Pre-Rose confab with Chris Harrison, it’s time to cut someone. I think we all know what’s going to happen here. Brad goes down to the Chick Elimination Platform and tells Ash to come with him. They go back behind the hotel and one of the safari guys shoots her in the head and they sell her hide to poachers. Not really, she just gets dumped and put into the Range Rover of Tears, which is subbing for the Limo of Tears because we’re in Africa. Brad pauses for the Dramatic Head Bow Over the Railing. Since there’s 2 roses and 2 chicks, there’s not a lot of dramatic tension here. So our Final 2 are Lifetime Emily and Filthy Rich Chantal. HMMMMM SHOULD I PICK THE CHICK WHO ALREADY HAS A KID AND IS IN LOVE WITH A DEAD RACECAR DRIVER OR THE SUPER RICH ONE??? HMMMMMM.