The 5-minute campaign: A proposal

Is everyone else as sick of political ads and campaigning in general as I am? I've got fucking Rafael Mandelman knocking on my door at 10 a.m. on a Sunday which is still Early Time at my house and leaving me mash notes that say "SORRY I MISSED YOU!! LOVE U LOTS!!! XXOO RAFFI" or something like that and every 30 seconds on TV I have to see an ad about Texas oil companies funding Prop Something and Carly Fiorina shipping jobs overseas and GOD SO MANY MEG WHITMAN ADS MAKE IT STOP.

Last Saturday we gave up and put a sign at the bottom of our stairs that said "No Canvassers Please" and you know what? It was SO NICE not having anyone knock on our door and our dog FREAK OUT and lose his shit for one day.

I have an idea for political ads, and here it is. All politicians running for office get ONE, 5-minute ad, and THAT'S IT. You can do whatever you want with your 5 minutes, but you better make it count, because that's all you get. You can gaze meaningfully at the Bright Future or you can spend the whole time talking about what a shitpile your opponent is, but at the end of 5 minutes, YOU ARE FUCKING DONE.

Wouldn't that be nice? Don't give me any First Amendment crap about how this violates free speech either. The First Amendment says "Congress shall make no law . . . abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press," but guess what? The freedom of speech and of the press is abridged all over the place every day. Want proof? Try putting a show called "Fucking Orgies" on ABC during primetime and see what happens. The FCC fined Fox $25,000 for a horse ejaculation joke, so you can guess what would happen to our new show "Fucking Orgies."

ANYWAY. I'll do the Mad Men recap later. I'm in the middle of something here.