The Agony of the Stolen Car: Chapter 2.

Wanna hear another long boring story about my stolen car? WELL YOU'RE IN LUCK THEN PULL UP A CHAIR.

They found it on Saturday at Laidley and Fairmount in what I guess is maybe Glen Park.


Looks pretty nice, huh? So they call me at like 8:00 p.m. Saturday and tell me it's at Auto Return and I can get it the next day.

(For those of you outside San Francisco, Auto Return is where your car goes if you get towed. People burning in the Lake of Fire in Hell being stabbed by demons with Razor Blade Pitchforks dipped in gasoline say "Man, this sucks, but at least I'm not at Auto Return.")

ANYWAY, on Sunday I entered a Kafkaesque Hell Tunnel trying to get the thing back. First stop is the main police station at 850 Bryant at 9:30 a.m. Sunday to get a "vehicle release." I ask the cop there if I can get a break on the tow fees because my car was stolen. He says "That's totally up to Auto Return. We have nothing to do with that."

Next stop: Auto Return. The total for the towing and one day storage is $481.75. Guess what? I CAN'T HAVE MY CAR. It's in another lot at Pier 70 that's not open on Sundays! FOOLED YOU TK!!!! SIKE!!!! I ask the Auto Return lady if I can get a break on the fees because my car was stolen. She says - and I'm not making this up - "That's not up to us. That's up to the police."

This guy waiting for his car goes "Hey dude. Hey dude. Check this out." He points to a sign on the wall that explains YES AS A MATTER OF FACT THE POLICE WILL REFUND HALF THE TOW FEE IF YOUR CAR WAS STOLEN. You just have to go back to 850 Bryant, M-F, and ask. Thanks, Guy Waiting at Auto Return! You were the most helpful person of the day. I hope you get your car back. Also, sweet Ed Hardy jeans.

I guess I should let the cops know about their Secret Stolen Car Tow Fee Refund Program! Imagine their surprise!

OK, now we're up to this morning. The Wife and I go out to Pier 70 to get my car.

Except no one's driving this car. It's a FUCKING WRECK.

Two wheels are gone. TWO WHEELS ARE GONE. It's on the little temporary wheels that look like they came off someone's Radio Flyer wagon. Ignition is punched and so I can't start it. Driver's side door lock punched. Stereo and speakers gone. Maybe some other interior damage, I don't know.

No fast food wrappers, though, so GUESS I DODGED THAT BULLET!

Now, if I could just get my insurance agent to call me back! STATE FARM, I'LL GIVE YOU $10 IF YOU CALL ME BEFORE LUNCH TODAY! I PROMISE I WON'T HURT YOU! PLEASE CALL ME BACK! PLEASE?! PLEEEEEEAAAASE??!!!