Your San Francisco Giants Season Preview

IT IS FINALLY FUCKING HERE. We are done fucking around with Jeff Suppan and talking about cutting Barry Zito and all that other bullshit. Now it is time to return to AT&T park with thousands of fools who never saw a game before last year, at least until they get into a long losing streak in July and go "Hey, this game is boring" and go back to watching WWE or working on their lawns or whatever. Let's take a look at the season.

3/31 @ LAD Motherfucking opening day. Somehow ESPN fucked this up because the Yankees or Red Sox aren't involved in their special Pre Opening Day Extravanaganza. Crack News Team Matier and Ross over at the Chronicle warn us that if you're traveling to LA for the game, don't reach into the bullpen and grab the cap off a Dodger pitcher's head like this fucking douchebag did or you'll get in big trouble. Like, WTF dude? Anyway, I will be at a bar at an undisclosed location watching this with my Trusted Associates.

4/11 LAD Magnet Schedule Day. First game I'm going to this year. I am ALL ABOUT Magnet Schedule Day. I missed it last year because we were out of town and I was kinda heartbroken.

4/28 @ PIT This game starts at 9:35 a.m. our time? Really? Sounds like a good excuse to take a day off work and get bloodies at Clooney's for the game. Oh, you know what might be fun? We should go to Sutter Station instead and laugh at the proletariat as we sip our cocktails on a Thursday morning. GET BENT SUCKERS!!!

5/20-23 OAK The Bay Bridge Series is fun but it's also kind of a pain in the ass because there are a bunch of A's fans running around and you know what A's fans like to do more than anything? Tell you about how they're real fans you're just a bunch of wine-sipping snobs even though every time I go to an A's game there are about 5,000 people there and most of them are talking through the whole game and smoking meth in the seats and yammering about $1 hot dogs so you know what? This thing about A's fans being quote real fans unquote? Is horseshit.

6/6 WAS Here's where we separate the wheat from the chaff. Monday night in June against the fucking NATIONALS. OK, big boy, are you a fan or are you just here to wear a Panda hat? Get your ass out here on a freezing Monday night in June and we'll talk.

7/4 SD July 4 games are fun, and this one starts, oddly, at 2:05, although I kinda like that start time because you can go to brunch late-ish and still make it in plenty of time. So, yes to 2:05 games.

7/15 NYM I'm going to this game too.

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8/23-31 SD, HOU, CHC August has a 10-game homestand (8/1-10) and this 9-game homestand. By now, we'll have an idea of where the Giants are headed this year. The Cubs series (8/29-31) could be huge. Or maybe not! What do I look like, a psychic? OK, there will also be a massive earthquake on August 10. There you go.

9/28 COL There are only 12 home games in September, so get your tickets now. We close with a homestand against Colorado that could either be electrifying or a complete charade. You know what? I'm going to go ahead and call it now. Playoffs at the least, and probably make it to the NLCS. If they repeat, I am naming my first son Cody Buster Panda Freak. Unless somebody else has already taken that.