TK's Earthquake Tips

Doesn't it seem like there are more earthquakes than usual these days? Maybe it just seems that way, but already in 2011 we've had 7.0 or higher quakes in Argentina, Chile, Pakistan, China, and 2 in Japan, counting the one today. And the one today was fucking HUGE.

Like any Normal Person, it makes me think we're due. With that in mind, let's go over a few things you'll need to know when the Next Big One hits here:

BEFORE THE QUAKE

- Make sure you have your earthquake supplies ready. That should include a long roll of gauze that you can wrap around your head to heighten the "badly wounded" effect. Also, a bottle of vodka is a good idea. You'll need a radio of some kind. Get a combination CD/radio player with Biggie's "Life After Death" pre-loaded because that will be good Post-Disaster music.

- If you don't have a pet, consider getting one. Besides being a fun companion, a pet is a self-contained food supply. Also, a long-haired cat's pelt can make an effective small blanket. Don't bother with gerbils or other small rodents. You can't make it work, calorie-wise.

- Prepare an Earthquake Plan. This should include a location where you'll meet up with your friends and family (DO NOT PICK THE 500 CLUB I ALREADY PICKED THAT AND WE ALL NEED TO HAVE OUR OWN PLACE) and one person designated to liveblog the whole thing.

DURING THE QUAKE

PANIC. Also, try and get some video on your phone. BONUS if it's of a shaking bookcase with shit falling out.

AFTER THE QUAKE

- The first thing you should do is try and figure out who your Leader will be in the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare that you now inhabit. Try to gravitate towards people wearing animal skins and carrying guns. The Leader should be charismatic but also quietly assured and have a spiritual side that he doesn't reveal, except maybe in one scene with Mila Kunis.

- You will need to rebuild the shattered world, so be the first to loot a nearby hardware store.

- Try to stay out of the Rivers of Blood. God knows what weird diseases those people had.

- Now is a good time to slaughter and eat your dog. Save the haunches for yourself.

By following a few simple tips like these, you can greatly increase your chances of surviving and even enjoying the Monster Earthquake That Is Sure to Devastate Our Area.

Have a nice weekend!