Someday soon you will encounter a toddler named Hortense

Take a look at this list of the most popular baby names of 2010. Man, people done give up on Robert and Richard and John and so forth. Now everybody's Ethan and Logan and Spayden and Luther or whatever.

Here's the boys:

Top 10 Boys’ Names of 2010

1. Aiden
2. Jacob
3. Jackson
4. Ethan
5. Jayden
6. Noah
7. Logan
8. Caden
9. Lucas
10. Liam

First of all, when I think "Liam," I naturally think Liam Gallagher, so it's amusing to me that there's a whole crop of alcoholic, hard-partying, abrasive, self-important babies out there writing the same song over and over again.

Why is everyone so crazy about the "ade" sound in names? Aiden, Jayden, Caden, that kind of thing. And seriously, "Jayden"? You have got to be kidding me. That sounds ridiculous. Maybe it's cute for a toddler, but can you imagine sitting down with a thoracic surgeon who says "Hi, I'm Dr. Jayden Smith."

(Oh, check this out. On the full Top 100 list we've also got "Brayden" and "Hayden." Brayden? Really?)

(I do like #77-80: Sebastian, Xavier, Ian and Miles. They co-own a high-end salon in Miami Beach, obvs.)

"Jackson" is one of those names parents give their kid hoping he'll be tough. You don't mess with Jackson. Jackson steals his Dad's Marlboro 100s and knows how to hot-wire cars.

Ethan's not bad, I guess. A little bookish. Noah, what? Noah is the fat kid who sits in the back and never gets to go on the field trips because he forgot to take the permission slip home. He's super-into "Magic: The Gathering."

How are the chicks doing?

Top 10 Girls’ Names of 2010

1. Sophia
2. Isabella
3. Olivia
4. Emma
5. Chloe
6. Ava
7. Lily
8. Madison
9. Addison
10. Abigail

Look out, we've got a garden party from 1922. Seriously, Sophia is #1? Old lady names sure got big, huh? I bet you there's also a ton of little girls named Mabel and Ethel and Rose wandering around. In 3 years, preschool classes are going to sound like an episode of "The Golden Girls" or like the staff of a diner in 1956.

(#70 is "Cadence." Again with the "ade" thing. Plus, you know "cadence" is already a noun with a specific meaning, right? Were you shooting for "Candace" and missed?)

It's all good, though. Variety, spice of life, etc. When I was a kid all the girls were either Jennifer or Amy or something that ends in -acy (or, God forbid, -aci), so at least Ava and Olivia are classing up the joint a little.