Eyes of the Snake: A Harrowing True Story of Terror and Survival

I knew this day had to come. I just didn't know it was going to be today.

Let me back up. Years ago, when The Wife was still Super Hot Irish Girlfriend, she disclosed that she had one crippling phobia: an intense, irrational fear of snakes. Now whether this has something to do with Ireland being snake-free (and mad props to St. Patrick for that) or is just One of Those Things, I don't know. What I do know is that she once said "If I were in a locked room with a snake and a gun, I would use it to kill myself because I wouldn't be able to go on." It's, like, that bad.

So I knew that one day we would probably be out somewhere and see an actual snake and I just hoped she wouldn't do what she said she would do if she ever saw a snake in the wild, which is have a heart attack and die.

That day, ladies and gentlemen, was today.

Around 1:00 p.m., we took the dog and went up to Bernal Hill, since it was nice out and dogs can run off-leash up there and that's his Thing. Parked the car at the bottom of the hill and got out and started up the pathway that goes up and around the hill. We had maybe gone 40 feet when she grabbed my arm and said "FUCK." I looked up the hill and there it was. Maybe 4 to 5 feet long, crawling across the paved path. Maybe 20 feet ahead. It looked pretty fucking big, actually.

Note: actual snake may have been slightly smaller.

She started breathing really hard and crying. I comforted her by saying "Pull yourself together." She did not find that very comforting. I put my arm around her and we turned around and headed back to the car. She actually held it together pretty well. We passed the same family at the bottom of the hill that we had passed going up about 45 seconds earlier. I wonder what they thought I did to that poor lady.

So we drove away and everyone lived but it was an Extremely Unpleasant Experience. She was fine by about 20 minutes later. By then she was texting people to tell them how she escaped from a 25 to 30-foot snake who was attacking her. We ended up taking the dog to Crissy Field, which worked out fine for him because he likes that even better.

The Wife's OK now. She's never going to Bernal Hill again, though.