Band-Aid in 3-D: Coming Next Summer

As has been noted by other members of the snarkeratti, yes, they are, in fact, making a movie based on the board game "Battleship," and oh, while we're at it, why don't we pull some names from a hat and, what, who's this? I pulled Alexander Skarsgard! Who did you get? Taylor Kitsch? Wow, that's random, but OK! Now draw one more! What did you get, Rihanna? No shit! This movie should be called "Three People Snorting Cocaine in the Bathroom at a Party at a Producer's Incredible House in the Hollywood Hills," but I like "Battleship," too!

I mean, really. What. The. Fucking. Fuck.

We've been all collectively moaning for years about how Hollywood is out of ideas; just look at "Car 54, Where Are You?" or the four fucking movies based on a ride at an amusement park or the fact that it's now apparently acceptable to remake movies that came out a year ago. But this, I think, is a new low. Sure, there have been movies based on board games before - remember "Clue", the movie? I mean, at least "Clue" has characters. "Battleship" has little plastic ships and red pegs that always got lost and two fidgety kids going "F-4" and "A-3." Not a lot of premise there, although it sounds like it's right in Keanu's wheelhouse, acting-wise.

So this is where we are. I bet you a million dollars there are a bunch of interesting scripts filled with cool ideas and real emotion and well-drawn characters sitting in a drawer in Burbank somewhere and instead we get "Battleship."

If you're reading this, and you're an agent, I have some ideas I've been working on for a while that we should talk about. I want to pitch "Ritz Crackers: The Movie" and "DustBuster" and "Kleenex Brand Tissues." These are already well-known brands. That's a big opening weekend right there, despite what that asshole Roger Ebert says.

UPDATE: Oh, Christ.