Product testing: Axe shower gel

Like any right-thinking man, I have been beguiled by the advertisements for the Axe family of grooming products. As you know, the TV ads typically depict a rather humdrum fellow who, upon dousing himself with an Axe product, is set upon by a pack of suddenly sex-crazed young minxes, who have been driven to bacchanalian abandon by the mere whiff of the man's fragrance. Here's a perfect example.

Now, it's possible - possible - that maybe I'm not in the Axe demographic, but in the interest of science, I embarked on a recent experiment to test the accuracy of these advertisements. Since I'm now married, and didn't want to put myself in a situation where I'd be unable to control the gang of women hurling themselves at me, I undertook this test within the confines of my own home.

THE PRODUCT: Axe Phoenix Revitalizing Shower Gel. Not sure what the significance of "Phoenix" is. Perhaps the suggestion that I will rise, phoenix-lile, from the flames of Uncleanliness and Not Getting Laid? Or is the product intended for use specifically in Arizona?



THE TEST: Finished assembling, and then moving around, some furniture yesterday. Became appropriately sweaty. Showered using the Phoenix. Observation: Feels refreshing! Like there's actually some chemical in it that makes your skin feel tingly.


ANTICIPATED RESULT: Wife saying "Oh my God, you sexy piece of meat. Violate me like we're on Spring Break. Let's make Caligula look like Captain Kangaroo. Take me!"


ACTUAL RESULT: "What is that? Are you wearing cologne? Ugh, you smell like you're from Walnut Creek."


There you have it. Axe shower gel. Do not want.