Yes, I actually am retarded enough to lock myself out of my own house two days in a row

Any idiot can lock himself out of his own house. It takes a special kind of idiot to do it TWO FUCKING DAYS IN A ROW.


As you may have guessed by now, I am that idiot.

It happened the first time on Monday. Let me first explain that there are 2 entrances to my house - the regular front door and a side security gate that leads down a little alley to my backyard and back door. So Monday I had already come home from work, walked the dog, etc., and then put a baked noodle casserole thing in the oven. I grabbed a bag of recycling and went out the side gate to put it in the bin and CLICK I heard the gate close behind me and went "OH FUCK" to myself. Sure enough, locked out.

So I went to the corner store and used their phone to try and call The Wife to see if she was on her way home and if not could SHE PLEASE MAYBE GET ON HER WAY HOME because I was wearing a t-shirt and it's starting to get cold and I also have a casserole thing in the oven that will solidify into a charcoal-like brick of ruined food if I don't get in the house sometime soon. No answer. Which leads to a whole separate thing about how she never answers her cell phone but let's just forget about that for now.

I alternated between sitting on the front stoop looking dejected (while, BTW, the dog barked incessantly, thinking I was a potential burglar or what have you) and walking down the block to the train stop to see if she'd get off each train as it arrived like some pathetic kid waiting for his absentee father. I was in the sitting-on-stoop-looking-dejected phase when it hit me that I knew a way to break in.

Now I'm obviously not going to detail how to do this, but I'll just say it involves balancing on a wobbly trash can and hoisting yourself up a great height and if you're under about 6'2", there's no way you could do it so don't even try. The upshot of all this is that I made it back inside and the casserole was saved and when The Wife got home about 10 minutes later I yelled at her for not answering her cell phone and she looked at me perplexed about why I was yelling at her about this.

So we ended up laughing about the whole thing and she said, "Well, you'll never do that again!" which is what any normal person would think except I did it again THE VERY NEXT DAY.

Let's fast-forward to yesterday afternoon. Come home from work, toss my keys on the table, greet the dog who, as usual, is OVERJOYED TO SEE YOU and CAN'T BELIEVE YOU CAME HOME AGAIN YAY YAY YAY YAY and is ready for a walk. So I leash him up and grab a poop bag and walk out the door and pull it shut behind me and . . .

FUCK. DID IT AGAIN. Sigh.

So I went ahead and walked the dog secure in the knowledge that at least this time I knew how to get in. Got home and once again executed the Break In Maneuver which was a little more difficult because of various things I don't want to get into but I do want to say that at this point I'm (a) relieved that the neighbors - who can see this whole operation if they look out their windows - haven't called the cops and (b) kinda pissed the neighbors haven't called the cops. HEY, SOMEONE'S BREAKING INTO MY HOUSE HERE! LITTLE HELP, PLEASE!

The Wife says I need to have a key on a little string around my neck like a retarded kid. HA! I say.