Just give me the money and no one gets hurt

I just hied myself on down to Ye Olde Bankrupte Banke to withdraw about $18,000 to fund the TK-Super Hot Irish Girlfriend Wedding Extravaganza that's coming up this summer. Apart from the fact of my mild surprise that YOBB actually had the 18K to give out, my request caused a mild-to-moderate tizzy in the branch.

The teller, who we'll call "Joan" for no particular reason, looked at my withdrawal slip and said, "Eighteen thousand dollars? Do you want that in cash?"

I was a little startled by that question and said no, that a check would be fine. I pictured myself carrying a paper bag full of bundles of twenties out of the bank. Would they drop a die pack in just out of force of habit?

Joan consulted with a nearby teller and opined that she wouldn't mind it being deposited into her account. I bet, Joan! I provided, upon request, a driver's license and major credit card. Calls were then placed to higher-ups.

Joan and Higher-Up consulted telephonically about how to handle this unforeseen circumstance. Information from my CDL was transmitted. Joan then asked the puzzling question of where I lived BEFORE the address on my license. That was like 10 years ago and I had to think hard. I finally came up with the street name and, after some reflection, the street number as well. I guess I got it right, because our little game of This Is Your Life continued.

Meanwhile, I have selected a blue lollipop from a bowl on the counter and have been busily sucking away at it. SHIG informs me that my entire mouth - teeth, tongue, lips - is now a rich blue color. Will this affect me getting the money?

Oh, here's Joan. "What state were you born in?" I only have to think about this one for a second, and I got it right, too!

Joan asks who to make the check out to, and jokes for the second time that she'd like it in her account. BACK OFF, JOAN. YOU'RE NOT GETTING THE MONEY. It goes into SHIG's name for deposit in her account, for various complicated financial reasons that I'm not at liberty to discuss. We walk across the street and immediately deposit it into her account. She looks gleeful.

I haven't heard from her in over an hour. Starting to get worried.

Have a good weekend!